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AIBU?

nice but still a boyfriend

17 replies

terby · 03/07/2011 19:47

My 11 year old daughter has her first boyfriend. She is very open and honest about it. She lets me read all texts. He seems very nice. Same school. She likes him alot and he seems to aswell. She always listens to me and does what I ask her. She has new confidence. Starting senior school after summer. What should I do?

OP posts:

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oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 19:48

nothing

FabbyChic · 03/07/2011 19:50

You do nothing, why read all her texts? Learn to trust her and give her some privacy. She is only young, boyfriends at that age are just words and texts, they dont actually do anything.

catgirl1976 · 03/07/2011 19:51

yup. nothing.

Hassled · 03/07/2011 19:52

Do nothing but keep the whole relaxed, open vibe going.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 03/07/2011 19:55

Sorry to sound negative, but I feel really uneasy about "relationships" at this age. I was originally in the "they don't really do anything" camp, but have dealt with a particularly horrible CP issue recently where a girl (11) I work with was found to be doing some wholly inappropriate sexual things when left unsupervised with her "boyfriend."

I know this is a one-off (hopefully) and only YOU know your daughter, but I do think these things need monitoring. I think you are right to read her texts.

terby · 03/07/2011 19:57

I am happy that she allows me to read her texts. She is happy to show me. I am getting alot of criticism from my mum and other members of family about it. I had a boyfriend at that age but I would never have told my mum! Although then I didnt see him from one month to the next and we didnt have texts etc. I am worried about reputation and situations she might be faced with.

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AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 19:58

My 10 YO had a 'boyfriend' as well, all very innocent.

Not connected to this lad, but I've made it clear to her (not that I think she'll get up to owt) that I can check her phone and any internet sites she's been on any time I like, because she's only 10.

It's for me to keep her safe, and this is one 'privacy' I won't allow her.

Of course I give her a choice in the matter, she can always not have a phone or go online

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/07/2011 20:01

Continue as you are and give yourself a pat on the back as your dd not only listens to you, she is also open and honest with you.

Maybe you can invite him to your home in the near future, or suggest that he joins you on a family outing or similar in the holidays?

Do you know his parents? If not, make contact so that you can be reassured that you're on the same page with regard to general boundaries.

If you haven't been talking to your dd about sexuality, relationships, etc, now's the time. Above all, be non-judgemental and be there for her with a big box of tissues if it ends in tears.

buzzsore · 03/07/2011 20:02

I think it's perfectly reasonable to read her texts and emails at that age. As for the bf, it's nothing to worry about if he's the same age.

AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 20:06

We were going to invite DDs 'boyfriend' out ice skating or something, but they fell out before we could sort it unfortunately

I'm not denying that some DC do get up to stuff at 11 izzy, or that it's better for them to know what would be inappropriate behaviour, but wouldn't discussing sexuality/relationships with an 11 YO kind of be putting it into their heads that that's what they should be thinking about?

terby · 03/07/2011 20:07

He is the same age and he does seem to be looking out for her. he is it seems considerate. But I am uneasy. I dont personally know the parents, but some members of my family go to church with them. I thought of contacting his mum. Thnks for all the opinions. they really help. I am lost with it.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/07/2011 20:14

What business is it of your dm and family? How did they come to know? Have confidence in your parenting skills and tell them to bug off.

You sound as if you're an understanding mum, and your prime concern should be to keep your relationship with your dd open and honest - please don't turn into one of those shouty judgemental 'don't do as I do - do as I say' parents whose dc are forced to lie about their movements and/or their relationships with the opposite/same sex.

Be as open and honest with your daughter as she is with you; talk about personal and sexual safety, consequences, etc but don't belabour it by turning general chats about a subject into a lecture.

Gay40 · 03/07/2011 20:18

I don't think Chats about Stuff puts ideas in their heads, but I'm inclined towards keeping that open and honest dialogue going. I am working hard on not doing my horrified face, for when the time comes.

terby · 03/07/2011 20:19

Good points well made. Family found out through facebook. She made the mistake of posting that she was in a relationship! She has since changed that back. I am still worried though. Any more gems?

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terby · 03/07/2011 20:23

Can you believe they got together on a school trip to Paris, the city of love.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/07/2011 21:12

I assume that 10/11 year olds have already had some exposure to sex education, Agent, and I would find it odd if parents with children of this age hadn't spoken to their dcs about puberty and sex and relationships in general, and more specifically periods and wet dreams etc.

I don't consider this is 'putting ideas into their head' - much younger children play 'doctors & nurses' and and are aware of the difference between the sexes, and other more 'adult' stuff whether by osmosis or idle playground chatter.

IME, parenting is an ongoing process, and parental knowledge (and hopefully wisdom) is imparted on an age-appropriate and need-to-know basis throughout childhood and beyond.

I was raised by liberal parents who took the view that the less they gave their dcs to rebel against, the less likely they would raise discontented or maladjusted adults.

Anything and everything was (and still is) up for discussion in my parents' house; rules of debate are strictly observed and, although conversations can get heated on occasion, no shouting is allowed.

Respect for the voice of the child is what underpins their credo and, as it worked for them and for me and my siblings, I've carried on the tradition.

Please note that this is not about parents attempting to turn their children into their 'best friends'!!! The parent/adult child relationship is not about 'equals', but it can be extended to 'equal entitlement'.

IMO at some point we have to trust our dcs to plot their path in life as much as they've trusted us to guide them. Of course we may feel some anxiety when our fledgelings are out of our sight, but if we have done our work well any anxiety should be misplaced.

AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 21:29

I agree izzy, it's just that I would usually just answer her questions on stuff like that and not bring things up as such, kind of being led by what she already knows IYSWIM.

On the rebellion front, DD1 asked me what me and her dad would say if she decided to become a hippy and live in a commune (because we're aged metal heads).

I told her I'd say 'That's nice love'

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