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Opinions gratefully received !!

(12 Posts)
STRIPEYTOP Tue 21-Jun-11 12:30:14

I found out yesterday that my husband has designed a website for someone that promotes having extra marital affairs. I did not find out from my husband. I am sickened from a moral standpoint for all the obvious reasons, but also from an emotional angle, as two years ago when our relationship was in tatters, he had a friendship with an old school friend for about 6 months that developed into something a bit more and resulted in a kiss, nothing else. Both stopped the friendship after that (she also married with kids) altho I feel he may have continued had it not been for her. I was deeply hurt and has taken me a long time to come to terms with, married for 16 years with 4 kids. So I am wondering if this is interfering with my view on this. He said we need the money (which is true) and that he shouldnt have done it and wants no more to do with it, this is only after me asking him about it, otherwise I probably would never have known. views please ladies!

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 12:34:17

My view is he's just a 'designer' it's that simple.

He's not running the website, he didn't invent the idea and it's not his business.

A bit like a Christian designing a website about Islam. You don't have to agree with it to earn your wages.

Fernier Tue 21-Jun-11 12:36:33

my dh is a developer i dont think he would accept this job and he has refused jobs which included content we didnt agree with in the past. so YANBU UNLESS (and a big unless) he was struggling to find work and you rely on the income, in which case what choice did her have?

hiddenhome Tue 21-Jun-11 13:06:53

I wouldn't be happy about this at all if it was my dh sad

Extra marital affairs are so damaging, but people just seem to accept them as the norm these days. Very sad.

Triphop Tue 21-Jun-11 13:09:46

Agree with Fernier. I would turn down work for moral reasons until I really needed the money, then I suspect I would be more flexible. Not ideal, but true.

WhoAteMySnickers Tue 21-Jun-11 13:13:32

YABU. It was work. Morals don't put food on the table and roof over your children's head. You've admitted that you needed the money.

STRIPEYTOP Tue 21-Jun-11 13:13:34

This is what I feel that they are so so damaging and have such a knock on effect especially for children involved - and I feel these sites actively encourage them in a very light hearted 'fun' way. It is sad and that is how I feel. Fernier, we do need the money but not on the breadline or desperate, we could have lived without it ! and WL, thanks for the comments which do put it into perspective a little, but I wouldnt liken it to a religious website, although it is still about opinions, you could still respect anothers belief. I'm not sure this sort of website deserves any respect whatsoever.

STRIPEYTOP Tue 21-Jun-11 13:17:15

Agree morals dont put a roof over your childrens head but sticking to principles and having strong ethics is an amazing thing to pass on to your kids, but point taken thank you smile

pollyblue Tue 21-Jun-11 13:17:18

I'm with worraliberty but suspect we might be in the minority.

He designed a site for another person's business which he's completed so his involvement is over. He got paid to do his job, money which you admit you need.

Are you actually more bothered about the fact he didn't tell you? Maybe he was trying to be sensitive and reasoned that there was no need for you to know as you'd be upset about the website's content, so he got on with the job, got paid and hoped not to upset you.

STRIPEYTOP Tue 21-Jun-11 13:20:08

yes pollyblue I think you've hit the nail on the head, although still wholeheartedly disagree with these sorts of sites.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 21-Jun-11 13:26:00

If someone wants to have an affair then they will. These sites don't cause infidelity, but gain financially from what someone was going to do in the first place. I agree that they make having an affair easier, logistically, but if someone is looking at this site then the decision to cheat has already been made. If you DH didn't design the site, then someone else would have.

I think your personal history is colouring how you view this. I think as far as your DH is concerned, he wanted the money and didn't concern himself too much with the actual content of the site. He possibly saw no reason to mention it, as it is just a job to him.

You've now told him that you think it is morally wrong to accept this kind of work and now he knows your views, he would be a fool to touch something like this again.

You are obviously still hurting from what your DH did and I would recommend that you get some help before it eats away at you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 21-Jun-11 14:04:05

I share karma's opinion.

Any married person who wants to have an affair will do so, and all certain websites have done is made it easier for adulterers to play further away from home which unfortunately means that the 'innocent' party is less likely to discover any infidelity.

I suspect that the fact that your dh chose to keep this particular piece of work from you hit a raw nerve just as much as the content of the website, but just because he designed it doesn't mean he's going to use it.

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