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AIBU?

about DH's behaviour?

25 replies

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:24

I'm fully open to being told I'm beingU. I'm sick and tired at the moment so I don't know whether I'm just being moody.

We have a 5 month old DS and DH is generally great. However, he's had a cold for the last week and he's milked every ounce out of it. Bear in mind that I also have a cold, as does poor DS. DH stayed home from work on Friday and lay about the place making a nuisance of himself before disappearing off to bed for three hours in the afternoon. I was out in the evening so he put DS to bed (an easy job) but that was all he did to help all day. He got up with DS on Saturday morning (which I am thankful for) and I had a lie in, but again he spent the day moaning about being ill and not doing any of the housework he has agreed to do (cleaning the bathroom mainly). I did most of the care for DS. On Sunday I said he could have a relaxing day as it was Father's Day. He basically ignored me and DS for the day, playing on the computer and watching tv. I thought as he's at work all week that he'd like to spend a little time with DS but he did absolutely nothing with him. I offered for us to go out but he said no.

In the evening I developed quite a bad pain in my side and I told DH about. Got a blank face and no concern. Later I mentioned it again, again no offer to help with DS or any concern. DH normally does the first feed at night and I do later feeds and get up with DS at 6. Unusually last night DS woke up before we went to bed so I fed him and he didn't wake up again till 6. DH went in to feed him then rather than just getting up with him as I always do he came in and woke me up. I was furious. I felt like he had no appreciation for how much I had looked after him while he was "sick" and I was annoyed at him ignoring us all yesterday. I spoke to him before he went to work and he did apologise but had excuses as usual. Am I beingU to be upset?

OP posts:

Report

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:27

I was also annoyed that he expected acres of sympathy for his cold but despite the fact that I also had a cold and a bad pain in my side I got no sympathy whatsoever. I do feel at times DH sees me as "mum" - the one who keeps going at all times and looks after everyone else, including him.

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 20/06/2011 09:30

How is he normally?

Was he behaviour typicle of him or was he really not himself?

Also a 5 month old baby will not need to be played with all day.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2011 09:35

"I do feel at times DH sees me as "mum" - the one who keeps going at all times and looks after everyone else, including him."

And that, to me, seems to be the problem. I would be so pissed off if my DH did this to me. YANBU.

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:36

He has set things that he'll do - nappies, baths, first feed, but often he won't do anything "extra" like taking DS out for a walk to give me a break or extra cleaning around the house, so this behaviour is somewhat typical although a little extreme. I sometimes suspect he would be like this all the time if he could get away with it, but he does the minimum to keep me happy, which does bother me. It's sort a blown-up example of how he is in little ways if that makes sense.

I know DS didn't need to be played with all day, not sure why mention that?

OP posts:

Omigawd · 20/06/2011 09:37

Heaven forbid that he actually be ill and that he actually take you at face value when you say he can do what he wants on fathers day!

If this is not his normal behaviour then you are just being moody.....

BoscoIsMyLover · 20/06/2011 09:37

Your DH will only treat you as his mum if you let him. If you are not well tell him "Im not well, here is the kid, Im going to bed for an hour (or 5)...

I put up with this from my DP for far too long, there was no one sick like him, I dont think it was a man thing either..It was just him. My life is much easier now I am more assertive.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/06/2011 09:37

MrSpoc. I totally agree. Looking back through the mists of time to when DD was 5MO, she didn't require a great deal of care or playing with.
If I put her down somewhere, she stayed there. I could get on with doing other stuff (mainly smoking in another room before anyone gets all cross)
OP, I do think UAB a bit U to be honest.

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:40

I totally see your point Omigawd. I'm trying to figure out why this bothers me so much, is it that I really do feel resentful or is it just the tiredness talking? I do love DH and think he's a great guy but I think he's a bit immature at times - he doesn't quite get what being a parent is about. I can understand him being ill, of course I can, my point was that I'm ill too but he didn't really seem to care about that, he just wanted to go to bed and forget about us, or so it seemed.

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WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:41

I'm not sure why people are mentioning DS? Just to clarify, he was ill so he needed attention, and DH didn't feed, change or bath him over the weekend.

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MrSpoc · 20/06/2011 09:42

My thoughts exactly Omigawd.

Op I asked because if he is ill then you need to let him recover.

Sounds like this is all new to the both of you. You both need to sit down and explain how you both feel and what is expected.

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:43

I agree MrSpoc, my issue was that I was also ill but DH didn't show any concern at all.

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MrSpoc · 20/06/2011 09:48

When my boy was first born it was a big shock. Allot had to change and i had to adjust to it.

When i was ill with a cold my wife didnt belive me (man flu, ui was just acting up) and i resented her because of it.

My point is that your husband is ill but from his POV just so happens you are too. Does this make sense?

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 09:49

So what if we both behaved the same way and went off to bed MrSpoc? What would happen to DS then?

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ChaoticAngelofLitha · 20/06/2011 09:50

FFS yes, the OP's DH was ill but so was she and she was expected to get on with it. What would have happened if she had decided to take to her bed and leave a 5 month old to fend for himself.

Why is it okay for him to do fuck all, (this is all weekend, not just Sunday) when the OP had to do stuff like feed and take care of their child.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2011 09:50

You need to talk to him and really spell it out what he is doing/not doing that bothers you. And be very explicit. Do not presume that he knows what you mean. The expecting sympathy but showing none bothers me tbh.

MrSpoc · 20/06/2011 09:58

Op i was trying to give you a perspective.

He was ill and was acting out of character. You both need to talk and nip this in the bud now.

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 10:02

Fair enough Spoc. Had to admit I felt that way Chaotic angel -I don't mind helping DH out even him going to bed for a few hours, it was just the fact that he felt he could just not do anything at all because he had a cold that pissed me off. Even when I had a very severe kidney infection I still looked after DS as much as I could because that's my job as a parent and I can't just stop doing it because I don't feel well.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 10:03

Plus the fact that he didn't give me an extra hour in bed after he did nothing all weekend really upset me, it just seemed so petty of him to wake me up rather than to just get on with it and look after DS.

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JudysJudgement · 20/06/2011 10:12

blimey he sounds like he is doing more than his fair share nappies, baths, first feed,lie ins

you want the blimmin moon on a stick

get a grip is my advice

WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 10:46

I don't consider that more than his fair share Judy, I consider it his fair share and nothing more. Should I be doing all the childcare?

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WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2011 10:46

If you think that's tons, Judy, I think it's you that needs to get a grip.

CinnabarRed · 20/06/2011 10:56

Sounds to me like both of you were poorly and probably a little less tolerant than usual.

As a secondary observation (and this may be out of order and I apologise if so), the manner in which you communicate is quite indirect. For example, you told your DH that you had a pain in your side, but didn't (at least from your OP) state what you wanted from him as a result. You may both benefit if you can be clearer in your expectations.

My DP only takes time off work for illness if he's truly incapable, and I wouldn't expect him to look after our DSs under those circumstances. We've been lucky so far in that our illnesses have all been staggered since the DSs came along, so at least one of us has always been able to take care of them, even if not feeling at our best.

Hope you all feel better soon. My DS2 has been ill all weekend (14 months) and I do appreciate how tough it is with a poorly child.

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WriterofDreams · 20/06/2011 12:35

I think you're right Cinnabar. One reason for the indirect communication is that I expect certain things from DH, things I would have thought aren't too much to expect, such as concern when I'm unwell and perhaps an offer of help. It just feels a bit shit to say "I'm not well" and for the person to pass no comment or to give no offer of help. I suppose I could have said "Will you help me?" and told him what to do but again than plays into the "mum" role - me ordering him around rather than him mucking in.

Thanks for your good wishes - I hope your DS is much better now too. My DS is a fountain of snot and whinging :(

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questionable · 20/06/2011 12:42

I agree re indirect communication. You need to ask him directly 'Will you do x please?'. If he says no, ask why not. It seems you let him get away with quite a lot. Do you think you are a bit of a martyr? Why did you let him do nothing all weekend?

CinnabarRed · 20/06/2011 14:00

Ah, now I don't see asking for something directly as playing "Mum". I see it as a combination of training and plain speaking!

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