Is my attitude to cannabis unreasonable?

[Rosenthal]

DP and I have been together nearly ten years and have recently decided that we would like to start ttc in a year or so. However, we have had a major disagreement and I would appreciate your views:

DP likes to smoke cannabis with friends roughly once a week, either whilst visiting them or in our garden (we don't allow smoking in the house). He does not get really stoned, and his smoking does not affect his behaviour; he just likes to smoke the odd joint to relax. I am not particularly happy about him smoking cannabis, but this is more because of the health risks of smoking the tobacco that goes with it than the cannabis itself.

He has said that if we have a baby he will stop buying cannabis, as he would not consider it a responsible thing to spend money on if we had a child to provide for. However, if he finds himself with friends and there is a joint being passed round, he would still have some. I am not exactly happy about this, but I can accept it.

The problem (for me) is that he says that he would still let friends smoke in our garden in the evening if the child was upstairs in bed. I would not want this to happen, as I think as children become older it becomes difficult to hide things from them, and I do not want, for example, a child coming downstairs in the night to find adults smoking cannabis, or smelling it through an open window and asking questions about what it is. Essentially, I would not want us to do anything that 'normalises' cannabis use or makes it seem acceptable to a child. I just do not think this would be the right example to set as parents.

I think that it would not be unreasonable (in the event that we have children) to explain politely to friends that we would prefer them not to smoke in our garden; we are not judging them but we need to put what we think is right for our children first. If they are true friends, surely they will still come round even if they can't smoke cannabis?

DP's position is that he simply wouldn't invite friends round any more as he would not be prepared to ban them from smoking cannabis. He (quite rightly) points out that I would happily have friends round for a few glasses of wine if we had children, and thinks that cannabis is no different. He says that I am over-reacting just because cannabis is illegal.

What do you think? Is he being unreasonable or am I?

[StayingDavidTennantsGirl]

I think that you would be being both reasonable and responsible to ask your dp's friends not to smoke cannabis in your garden. It is illegal, as you say, and would not be a good example to your children.

If your friends are reasonable people, they will understand this, and accept that your lives have a new responsibility in them, and accept your decision.

I also think that your dp is to be commended for saying he will give up buying cannabis when the baby arrives, and I suspect he will understand your reasons for wanting to stop his friends smoking it in the garden, if you give him a bit of time to think it through, and make it clear to him you admire him for giving up buying weed.

Good luck with ttc, and may all your blessings be little ones!

[dangalf]

I think you're being a bit OTT myself but then again I am an occasional smoker so make of it what you will. I can understand some of your reasons and it wouldn't stop me from going to somebody's hous if I was unable to smoke weed there.

[EmmaBemma]

You'll probably not get a consensus view on this. Personally speaking, I don't smoke hash or weed but only because it gives me the fear these days. Otherwise I would have the occasional smoke and did do after the birth of my first child (never indoors, and always when she was tucked up in bed). In terms of mental competence, I was no worse off than after, say, two glasses of wine. My husband (and friends, when they're over) still partake of the odd toot and it doesn't worry me at all.

BUT, it does worry you and that's your prerogative. You're not being unreasonable at all, cannabis is after all illegal so you've got the full weight of legislature behind you as well as, I'd say, the majority of society. Like dangalf, even when I was a smoker I wouldn't have been deterred from visiting a friend if they didn't want me to smoke in their garden.

[saffy85]

YANBU but it is all down to personal opinion. My own DP has what I consider to be a dependancy on weed which is why I have taken the drastic step of saying he smokes it anymore he can sod off. (been smoking it since he was 13 and has had terrible withdrawal from it in the past- I'm not willing to put up with it anymore) I will not have it in the house, nor will I allow anyone to smoke it in the garden whether my DCs are in the house or not.

The way I see it, it's your home too so if you don't want people to smoke weed in your garden or elsewhere in your home then they shouldn't. It wont kill them to light up elsewhere.

[GetOrf]

No, I am pretty zero tolerance on weed use, as my mother is addicted to it and I can see first hand what it does to someone.

Apart from everything else, it makes them unutterably selfish.

I would absolutely question staying friends with people who would refuse a social visit because they couldn't go and have a joint in the garden, like teenage-minded losers. How sad are they?

It is not the same as a glass of wine. You know exactly what is in a glass of wine and can predict how the alcohol will affect you. It is regulated. Pot isn't.

Plus, I totally agree that you do not want your kids seeing this. My brother grew up having to go upstairs at night because my mother had to have her daily 'smoke'. He is as anti pot as I am and views it as something deeply sad at best, and hugely damaging at worst.

[Yekke]

YANBU. I'd do the same.

If these people are your friends, they will respect your wishes. If they don't they're no friends at all. If your partner decides not to invite his friends round as a result well then you've still achieved what you set out to do. His loss and he's behaving childishly.

[knittedbreast]

its not the same as wine, but it is in tha its just another people do relax/unwind.

i dont know what the issue is if they are smoking in the garden...

[springydaffs]

I loathe the stuff, the evil weed, and won't let anyone smoke it in my home or garden. YANBU

[bringmesunshine2009]

YANBU

I had my fair share of it in my youth, and suspect DH smokes with friends sometimes, but my god, if he or his friends decided to smoke in the garden or house I would raise hell.

It sets such a bad example. As in "its ok to break the laws you don't agree with" (FYI I don't agree with control of cannabis per se, but still don't think it right to break law). Also re normalisation of cannabis-it isn't!

Whilst it has health benefits for some, for those with a predisposition to mental health issues, there is an increased instance of activation/aggravation.

[LetThereBeRock]

YANBU. Personally DP smoking it to me would be a deal breaker in itself.It's not something I'd tolerate,however that's not an issue for you, but I don't want to be around anyone when they're using it,and I certainly wouldn't want anyone using it in my home,and certainly not around my child.

[Yekke]

Another thing is that agreeing to others smoking in your garden now sets a precedent. In theory it's okay atm, the DC are in bed, but what happens when they are too old to be popped to bed at 7pm? What about when they're 11, 12, 13 and joining the late evening barbeques, fully aware of what a joint is?

It will be far harder to tell your friends no then and I don't envy you dealing with the childrens' questions as to why is it okay for Mum's friends to smoke weed but not for them to do it.

[HowlingBitch]

Pfft what a stupid argument typical of a selfish cannabis user. If wine gave off a horrible smelling smoke that could get a small child drunk if exposed to it then it would be illegal too. When you child is older he/she will be running up and down and in and out when you have company it's what they do.

[DialMforMummy]

I can see both sides here really. Ultimately, I don't think it is crazy request.
One thing though, when you have a child your friends might not come around as often as they used to anyway.

[MrsBethel]

YANBU. It's a bad example. Probably not an issue when the kids are tiny, because they won't understand, but unless you nip it in the bud now, it'll be impossible to stop when they gradually do become impressionable.

Personally, I think cannabis should be legal, and I sympathise with your DH's comparison with wine. That's an argument an intelligent adult can easily grasp.

Expecting a child to fully grasp it might be dangerous. If they se your DH out in the garden smoking drugs - will you end up with a child who can think for themselves, or will you end up with a child with no respect for the law?

[iskra]

I can see both sides here.

However, I think you are worrying too much about this. I think you will find that your social life changes a lot once you have a baby. We used to have friends come round to smoke in the garden. Once DD was born it just faded out. Not an issue.

[Rosenthal]

Thank you so much for all your responses, which have helped me to think more clearly about the arguments on both sides. I now feel much happier about talking to DP again and explaining (rationally!) why I feel the way that I do.