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Sharing etiquette - what are your dos and don'ts?

(24 Posts)
youarekidding Fri 03-Jun-11 17:55:47

Thats it really.

Met friends at beach and said I was taking DS bucket/ spade / rake but only have 1 of each. Took ball/frisbee/ car and all had blow ups each I bought them as a present.

Friend said she has buckets and I suggested she got spades on way as she was stopping to get her DC's flip flops and I only had 1.

Didn't bring her buckets or buy spades as 'couldn't be bothered'

So DS was made - by me and other DC's- to share his all day which was frustrating for him as he couldn't build castles etc. Basically they took turns with just spade or bucket or rake.

I'm a share/ take turns person and always encourage it but I'm wondering if it's OK to say they're his give them to him and you can have a turn when he's done, when he doesn't want them - as it sounds so childish.

Also that when he wants them back should I make him wait (which I do) or again let him have them as they're his?

More a WWYD? what do you do?

MissJanuary Fri 03-Jun-11 17:58:35

Well your friend was definately BU, who would go to the beach with kiddies and not take a bucket and spade?? Its the law.

Well done on you for managing to grit your teeth and allow sharing all day, which does seem a bit crap for your DS.

Imnotaslimjim Fri 03-Jun-11 18:03:53

wow, she didn't get buckets and spades to the beach because she "couldn't be bothered"?? Who does that? And so unfair on your DS

YANBU at all, I'd have said they're his and made the others wait!

bubblecoral Fri 03-Jun-11 18:06:45

I think if the other Mum had a good reason for not having a bucket and spade, I'd make my child share.

If the other child's bucket got broken, left on a bench anything unforseeable and unintentional, then I would explain it to my dc that way, about how it's kind to share because so and so would be upset about the loss of their own

If I was expected to explain to my dc that so and so didn't have a bucket because his Mum was too lazy to find his last night, and is too tight/lazy to pop to the shop and buy another, I wouldn't bother.

youarekidding Fri 03-Jun-11 18:17:16

So I'm justified in feeling a bit of a crappy mother for forcing insisting he share then.

Makes me feel better as next we go I plan to say DS has a wonderful idea of a castle he wants to build so bring your DC's B & S as I'll think he'll be busy with his. grin

I guess sometimes we force the sharing/ turn taking to be fair but it becomes unfair for the sharer if they get limited to what they can do.

Or I might buy DS a bigger spade and they can share his other one if they don't get their own. OMG that sounds childish but what I mean is he'll have his and a spare to share - without being left with nothing.

swash Fri 03-Jun-11 18:30:07

I take 2 buckets and 4 spades - it's just easier that way. Or I forget altogether.

headfairy Fri 03-Jun-11 18:33:35

it's not really on for your friend to not bother bringing the buckets and spades, but you've taught your ds a good lesson in manners... take the high moral ground. You told her to bring the buckets and spades, she didn't, her dcs didn't have any to play with but your ds was kind enough to share. Is he too young to learn about Karma? grin Whatever, it's good karma to share and smile sweetly knowing all along you did the right thing.

smileANDwave2000 Fri 03-Jun-11 18:40:39

petty maybe to some and we all like to teach our kids to share but how lazy is that and horrible prob ruined the day for the kids a bit,she should buy her bloody own , if id been there id have asked her to look after the kids for a min popped to the seaside shop brought what they needed and said here you are kids and told her she can pay you back later not to worry but im a cheeky mare i guess grin

MadamDeathstare Fri 03-Jun-11 18:46:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Fri 03-Jun-11 18:50:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeckadeck Fri 03-Jun-11 19:22:05

Your mate was being a bit lame and selfish but I think you had to rise above it -- it would have been quite petty if you'd told her kids that your DS was getting exclusive access to them all day. Unfair for your DS but ultimately you've taught him a lesson about being magnanimous and the bigger person etc. Which in the long run is more valuable than a nice day at the beach -- there will be others.

TattyDevine Fri 03-Jun-11 19:25:31

I think it depends a bit on the age of the child. It wasn't wrong to make your child share, and it wasn't the children's fault their mother couldn't be bothered, so it was nice to get him to share.

In general my sharing etiquette is as follows:

Take in turns with a toy and wait your turn for things like a slide or swing etc;
If someone has something and you want it, don't take it off them, but in expressing your interest, hope they will not monopolise the toy but let you have a turn in due course;
If someone tries to take something off you, you don't have to relinquish it in the name of sharing, but you must give them a turn without making them wait too long;
If there is a toy of yours that is very very very special that you don't want to share, particularly with younger children, put it away in your bedroom before your guests arrive and do not play with it at all while they are there; nor show it to them;
If someone will not share and their mother or father is not there to enforce it or simply doesn't encourage sharing, play with something and someone else. Natural consequences will teach the child that sharing is the right thing to do eventually, even if their parents don't, if you follow this rule, as they will have no friends!

CrapBag Fri 03-Jun-11 19:33:54

Personally, I would let other children play with it if my child wasn't playing with it at the time, but I wouldn't make him give it up for another child. I don't believe in taking something off another child just because another child wants it. They should wait.

If the other children had it and my child wanted it, I would make a point of saying something like "you can have a turn next" quite loudly but I wouldn't take it off the other children.

I would only make a child share if there was more than 1 item, for example, DS always wants loads of cars to play with but if others want them too, then he has to share them.

As they were your sons things I think it was okay to say that the other children could have a turn when he was ready to share.

I know it's good to teach children to share and be generous but you have to get it right if you don't want them to feel frustrated or upset about it.

I like tatty's sharing rules, especially about putting special things away if possible.

It is good to learn to share but it's also very important to learn that some things are not for sharing and that everyone, even a child, has the right to own special things (expensive or just much loved etc) and they have the right not to share them if they don't want to and shouldn't be forced out of politeness.

I'm not sure how to explain what I mean properly. I know in this case it was a bucket and spade but little things like that to a child can be as important as a car or mobile phone etc to an adult. I think what I mean is that you say he was 'made' by you and the other children to share and he may or may not have been happy about it. Making him share isn't perhaps teaching him the right lesson because he could have resented it a bit rather than made him realise that it can be fun to share and play together. If you put yourself in his place and imagine your friend demanding her turn driving your car or forcing you to let her make calls on your phone because she hadn't brought hers you might not feel that sharing was such a great thing.

How old is your son? Children do have a good idea of what is fair so if your son is older than toddlerhood he would have probably realised quite quickly that his friends weren't having much fun and shared of his own accord.

It wouldn't have killed their mother to buy them even just one bucket and spade to share between them though.

youarekidding Fri 03-Jun-11 20:33:00

I love tattys list too. I have in the past suggested the special toy thing as these same dc's aren't great at sharing their stuff - maybe why its not bought along! hmm It was great until they came to mine and DS special toy was something they wanted to play with (knew he had it but was away as per rules!) Oh the tantrums about how mean he is!

My DS is 6 btw.

TBH I have more stuff such as smaller plastic sand shapes (fish etc) and castles but had said I wasn't taking whole bag today as her DC's would have their B&S. 'cept they didn't confused

Friend suggested going again tomorrow so I will buy 2 more spades and take some of my empty tubs (think halloween sweet type ones).

Was pleased and surprised that never once did he utter the awful line - 'thats mine give it back'.

youarekidding Fri 03-Jun-11 20:36:03

He didn't mind sharing just felt a bit hard after a few hours to watch him having to wait his turn for an item - especially when such a fuss was made if he didn't want to swap the minute he was asked.

youarekidding Fri 03-Jun-11 21:31:13

Friend has rung and we have preliminary planned to do beach. I re iterated she should get some B&S for her dc's but she said she doesn't want to spend any more money.

So I said about bringing wooden spoons and she only has 1 so I said I'll bring another. Then DS can play with his B&S and build his sandcastle he wants too. I may just buy 2 more small spades tomorrow for them even though money is tight and I'll keep them with mine so I know they'll always have them when we go. (prob get ones for 50p somewhere).

Your son sounds really good then. smile

I don't think it should have to be up to you to provide extra toys for your friends children but at least it will help all the children have fun and your son will get to play with his own things for longer if he wants to.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Fri 03-Jun-11 23:32:12

On one hand I understand why you would consider buying extra spades etc. better for all children, more fun.
On the other hand, why should you pay out your own money because she "cant be bothered/ doesn't want to spend the money".
I completely understand your reasons but you do seem to be facilitating this attitude. Is this type of thing a regular occurence?

Your son sounds really good for sharing.

youarekidding Sat 04-Jun-11 11:23:58

We are off in a bit. We went to supermarket this morning and they had some shovel type spades for £1.50. DS asked if he could buy one with his £2 pocket money. They had other smaller ones for 50p. He suggested he buy one so other DC's can share those and he can use his 'supercool new one!'

Funny actually as he obviously thinks like me and I've not discussed this with him. grin

Upshot is I paid the £2 for the spades and...

Oh friend is here and beeping got to go so I'll update later.

Rhinestone Sat 04-Jun-11 13:22:01

Well, here's an opposing view - I don't agree with sharing! I think it's more important to teach children about property rights!

I don't share / lend out my car, my laptop, my iPad, my plasma TV etc. They're mine. And I would expect children to learn that if something doesn't belong to you then it's off limits. End of.

youarekidding Sat 04-Jun-11 18:25:50

Sorry I had to rush off friend had arrived.

Got in car and she had buckets for hers and mentioned getting spades and I said I had 3.

Lovely day no arguments over them and much more relaxed when they could all do the same thing at the same time.

Now I need a shower as sandy and salty. grin

CrapBag Sat 04-Jun-11 19:19:41

I think Rhinestone has a point tbh. We wouldn't hand over our ipods etc to our friends because they didn't have one would we?

I lend DVDs but thats different.

youarekidding Sat 04-Jun-11 19:37:33

I can actually see rhinestones point. I would be the same with expensive equipment.

The B&S are 3 years old though and if they broke through wear and tear easily replaceable - and as others said not fair to upset other children as it isn't really their fault they didn't have them.

I don't let DS use others mobiles etc (except mine) but then I wouldn't let him share his (if he had one!). To me thats an expensive item that people save up for and are precious.

BTW the above ^^ probably makes no sense. grin

PS crapbag Love your name. smile

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