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To find my mum's behaviour strange & upsetting

(26 Posts)
redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 20:31:45

My mum and I have always had a bit f a difficult relationship. When I became pregnant at 23 I was still living at her (very large) house (and paying full rent). She gave me two weeks to leave the house and we didn't speak throughout my pregnancy, it was very hard as I literally had no one. When DD was born she was a good grandparent and she looked after her two full days a week so I could finish my degree. I am now married with two more DC's, mum lives 10 minutes away but we see her once a week for an hour when we invite her round, as soon as she's finished her meal she makes her excuses and leaves. She never offers to come over and see the children and we can't go to her house as she cats and DC's are allergic. She doesn't seem to want to be close to me, whenever I speak to her about personal things she changes the subject, which I find upsetting. To everyone else she is sweetness and light and comes across as very warm which makes me feel worse. Has anyone had similar experiences and does it sound like this is strange behaviour?

kittycat37 Sat 01-Jan-11 20:36:21

Does your mum have any mental health issues? It does sound like very inconsistent and upsetting behaviour. She was supportive when you were doing your degree so why not now?
Have you managed to ever ask her about her changed attitudes?

classydiva Sat 01-Jan-11 20:36:46

Sounds normal to me, she clearly does not want to be reminded of how she acts, probably deep down fees guilty but by not talking about it it means she can forget how she behaves.

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 20:42:01

I think when I was a single parent she felt like she had to be there for me and DD, now I'm married maybe she feels she no longer has that responsibility..

I also think she realises I know first hand how manipulative and selfish she is so doesn't like being around me and reminded of it

maras2 Sat 01-Jan-11 20:46:24

Do you have a dad Red?

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 20:51:54

Yes, he sees a lot of my DC's and we get on great. They divorced when I was 14 and don't speak to this day

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 20:53:03

I feel like just stopping inviting her round as it really upsets me but DC's love her (when she can be bothered to see them) and I want them to have a good relationship with their Grandma

olderyetwider Sat 01-Jan-11 20:54:46

Maybe she just wants her own life?

kittycat37 Sat 01-Jan-11 20:56:11

Perhaps you could temporarily stop inviting her? And then when she reacts you could use it as an opportunity to say 'I've wanted to ask you about x,y,z' ??

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 20:56:50

I have thought it could be as simple as that, and can kind of understand why she mighy not want to spend time with me but I find it hard to understand why she doesn'tseem bothered with her grandchildren

kittycat37 Sat 01-Jan-11 20:57:13

older - she has her own life - only goes round for an hour a week? hmm

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 21:00:11

She doesn't work, she's a lady of lesuire and has no hobbies/commitments except for drinking and smoking

kittycat37 Sat 01-Jan-11 21:00:54

I went through a phase with my Mum when I had to say to her, basically, she needed to make more effort with my DCs if she wanted to get know them. Except I didn't phrase it like that. She did respond well. But my Mum is fundamentally kind and well meaning. Perhaps redshinyshoes, you just have the misfortune of having one that isn't nice? Not your fault in any way - we don't chose our parents.

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 21:00:56

I might give that a try kittycat

monkeyflippers Sat 01-Jan-11 21:06:08

That must be so upsetting for you. Do you have any siblings? How does she act with them?

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 21:16:06

One younger brother, he's young free and single so they don't see too much of each other

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 21:17:47

Kitty cat, did she give you any reason for not making an effort?

kittycat37 Sat 01-Jan-11 21:29:09

I don't think she really realised she hadn't been, redshinyshoes IYKWIM. But I knew she hadn't and eldest DD obviously thought so as she began making about 'I would like to do things sometimes with Grandma X like I do with Grandma Y'. I sort of put it to my Mum in terms of 'you know DD1 really misses you and she'd love it if you read her a story when we see you on Tues'. I think actually my Mum had lacked a bit of confidence about offering to do things like that and maybe there was also a bit of pride involved. Anyway, once the ice was broken things improved a lot. I had been a bit hurt, thinking my Mum wasn't that bothered, but actually now I think it was more complicated than that. Hopefully that's the case with your Mum and she's not just opting out of the relationship with her GCs.

PercyPigPie Sat 01-Jan-11 21:32:07

Does she not deal with intimate relationships very well? Do you have siblings, how is she with them and her own mother?

PercyPigPie Sat 01-Jan-11 21:32:27

PS: I don't meant sexual when I say 'intimate'.

redshinyshoes Sat 01-Jan-11 21:41:39

Actually she doesn't deal with intimate relationships well now I think about it, is quite distant with her own mother and other family members, gets on well with strangers and her friends though

clumsymumluckybaby Sat 01-Jan-11 21:47:38

my mum is very much like this,she doesnt want to spend any time with me or my dc's,even calling my dd 'a horrible child' to my aunt who had never met her (she isnt,shes sweet and kind,and only 2 ffs) but she adores my dsis kids who live abroad.
we moved closer to home to see more of the gp's all others have seen alot of my dc's and adore them.but not my mother,we only get contact when i initiate it.and we never speak about anything 'intimate' at all.
she even 'went on holiday' 3 days before my due date with ds,she was supposed to be the emergency childcare for dd.shock
it is particualy hard as everyone thinks she is a saint.

im considering just not contacting her,and seeing how long it takes her to realise...

im afraid i dont have any advice,but you are not alone...maybe we should start a club...

kittycat37 Sat 01-Jan-11 21:50:27

sad clumsy - she sounds mean.

clumsymumluckybaby Sat 01-Jan-11 21:58:19

thanks kitty luckily we have fil and his wife,who are utterly amazing,just the best gp's you could ask for,and they stepped in at the last min(very close call though as my labour only lasted an hour!shock

in fact thinking about it,strangers, friends, people who live out of the country... she gets on with really well,they all love her and assume she is an angel,but anyone she should be close to,she is hostile towards,or doesnt contact at all.hmm

Curiousmama Sat 01-Jan-11 22:04:18

sad that's awful clumsy.

redshinyshoes she sounds quite selfish. Don't think I'd be ihviting her round if it were me.

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