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to want to anything BUT meet OH's ex....

(26 Posts)
Ladyanonymous Thu 02-Dec-10 17:34:21

Sounds silly but I have always felt a bit inferior to my OH's ex wife. They have 2 DC's (whom I adore) and have been separated about 3 years - she left him and at the time he was devastated. He now says he feels they were never really suited and when she changed her mind and asked him back (just before we met) he said no - they were however sleeping together occasionally right up until a week before I met him which has always made me feel a bit :S.

They have a good relationship which is friendly (which I am very happy about) but she only lets us have the kids when its a good time for her and when he does a 300 mile round trip to collect them she gets him to do favours/has asked to borrow money - I feel he panders to her a bit and that she has the upper hand - mainly because of the kids but he has said their marriage was like this too - so for some reason it really bugs me that he is still like this with her.

I haven't met her yet although we have texted and its all really friendly, I wrote her a letter when she freaked out about me meeting the kids explaining I didn't want to step on her toes, and I understood how she might be feeling as my kids have a "stepmum" too, and she then allowed them to come and they have regually for the last 8 months. I have given her a lot of things my kids have grown out of etc.

NYD we are taking the kids back - its our 1st anniversary and mine will be away. I suggested to OH that I could come and meet her as there will be room in the car for me. He said he will suggest it to her. Today I was looking for something for him and found a letter he had written to her before they split up and it expessed how much he loved her wanted her to be his wife still etc (I know I was out of order to read it). While always loving and affectionate to me his has told me he will never marry me because he never wanted to be married in the first place which has always made me feel a bit "second rate".

As the day approaches when I'm possibly going to meet her I am dreading it and just don't want to go there and start comparing myself to her esp with a possible hangover on NYD.

WIBU to completely chicken out and tell OH that I will go for the journey but to drop me off at a Cafe while he drops the DC's off?

I possibly am grin

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 17:39:17

What is this really about? The fact you caught him out lying to you and rewirting history? you will find a lot of divorced people do this and a lot of delusioned women believe them!

thefurryone Thu 02-Dec-10 17:41:10

YABU but understandably so, no one likes the thought of their partners being with someone else even if it was in the past.

That said being retrospectively jealous is pointless, unless you marry the boy you met at school then our partners are always going to have had someone else in their lives that they cared about.

At the moment all of the comparison's you're making are in your head so once you do meet her you're more likely to start being a bit more rational about the situation.

thefurryone Thu 02-Dec-10 17:42:38

I don't get where he lied to her. I read it as his wife left him, he didn't want her to and told her so in a letter, but then later down the road when she wanted to get back together he'd changed his mind.

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 17:47:43

I read her post differently to you, that he wanted to marry wife in letter and told op that he never wanted to marry!

Ladyanonymous Thu 02-Dec-10 17:48:26

He didn't lie about anything confused

Ladyanonymous Thu 02-Dec-10 17:49:57

He married her although told me he wasn't sure on his wedding day it was the right thing to do - when the marriage susequently broke down he wrote the letter saying how much he wanted her to still be his wife and how he loved being her husband.

He has told me he will never marry me.

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 17:49:58

Today I was looking for something for him and found a letter he had written to her before they split up and it expessed how much he loved her wanted her to be his wife still etc (I know I was out of order to read it). While always loving and affectionate to me his has told me he will never marry me because he never wanted to be married in the first place which has always made me feel a bit "second rate".

thefurryone Thu 02-Dec-10 17:50:51

Slightly pedantic but there is a difference between wanting someone to still be your wife and not wanting to get married in the first place.

Sorry OP we're probably not helping much!

Ladyanonymous Thu 02-Dec-10 17:51:42

Yes I accept there is.

pjmama Thu 02-Dec-10 17:52:10

He wrote the letter years ago in a state of emotional turmoil at a hard time in his life. People change and move on and he may view his marriage differently now with the benefit of hindsight. That letter had nothing to do with you or how he feels about you.

I'd just go and meet her and get it over with.

thefurryone Thu 02-Dec-10 17:52:37

Also it's also not unusual for someone who has a failed marriage to not want to get married again. He's actually being very honest with the OP for admitting that he doesn't want to get married again rather than avoiding the subject or pretending he will want to in a few years like many man would.

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 17:53:08

I am really confused now... I don't know anyone who does not have second thoughts on their wedding day, most people admit to it divorced or not!

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 17:54:49

true thefuryone

Ladyanonymous Thu 02-Dec-10 17:58:24

Yes Furryone good point. I don't know if I even want to get married again - I just don't like the fact that it is not an option.

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 18:02:17

Is the issue then, about your oh and marriage rather than meeting his ex wife?

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 18:03:22

Another reason some marry again is that they enjoyed being married, and some don't want to marry again because they did not like marriage!

Mummynumber2 Thu 02-Dec-10 18:04:39

Lady, if it helps I'm very pleased I met dp's ex although I was very worried about it too. It sounds like she's not going to be too hostile towards you. It made my, and my dbd's lives much easier over the years. I think your dp having an ex constantly in the background is always going to be difficult. I try not to think about them being together, after all we all have a past it's just that most of us are able to bury it!

Good luck.

thefurryone Thu 02-Dec-10 18:06:47

It is very annoying when people make such sweeping statements about what they want to do in the future. But no marriage doesn't mean no long term commitment, my Uncle has now been with his partner for much longer than he was ever with his wife.

AphraBen Thu 02-Dec-10 18:07:37

You know what, this isn't going to go away or necessarily improve. You need to meet her, she will be far less significant in reality and possibly that will improve for you, the more often you see her, than if you leave her in the corners of your mind if you know what I mean.

I would personally cut my losses now and move on but if you want the relationship to work you are always to some degree going to have to be 2nd fiddle, because there are children involved. Sorry to sound negative, just trying to lay out the realities. I have a friend who is in exactly the same position and has been for several years. she now just shrugs and gets on with how it is.

Mummynumber2 Thu 02-Dec-10 18:14:41

Aphraben why second fiddle? Sorry your sister's having a bad time.

My experience of being a sm has been very positive. You don't have to meet her of course lady but it may put your mind at rest if you do.

Mummynumber2 Thu 02-Dec-10 18:16:00

Sorry, your friend not sister!

peeringintothevoid Thu 02-Dec-10 18:28:18

YANBU to feel trepidatious about meeting her.

I think it's completely understandable that he wanted to save his marriage when it was on the rock, despite having doubts about getting married in the first place. You're right - you shouldn't have read the letter, but at least you learned that your DP is a man who takes his commitments seriously.

If I were you, I'd take comfort from the fact that he turned down the offer of a reconciliation just before you met - he wouldn't have done so if he still wanted to be with her.

Your issues with him 'indulging' her (if that makes sense), you probably need to discuss with him. Is he doing so to smooth the relationship with his children, possibly?

I wouldn't want to meet my DP's ex with a stinking hangover, I have to say, but you did suggest it in the first place... grin

Buy some milk thistle tincture from the health shop (Carduus marianus), and drink loads of it before you go to bed. And hey - he'll be celebrating NYE with you, not her - who cares what she thinks of you? smile

fedupofnamechanging Thu 02-Dec-10 18:43:37

I think that you should tell your DP that you would be happier if there was a bit of distance between him and his ex. He really shouldn't be doing odd jobs for her, lending her money etc. He should no longer be her 'go to' person, because they are divorced, he is in a relationship with you, and you feel this blurs the boundaries a bit too much for your comfort.

Getting married is no guarranttee(sp?) of lasting happiness. If it was then you would both be with your previous spouses and no one would ever get divorced. I think if it has all gone wrong before, then it is natural to have less faith in marriage than if it had all gone well. I think what is bugging you is that he did marry her (albeit reluctantly), but isn't prepared to marry you. You ought to discuss this with him, but think you are going to have to readjust your way of thinking about it if you want the relationship to continue.

If it's not something he really wants then there is no value to it.

Mum2HarryandBen Thu 02-Dec-10 18:46:49

The new partner wanting the father to stop doing jobs around the house for his children when they live with their mother can begin bad feeling and cause parental anamosity, sometimes it is easier when entering a family to leave them to what is now working, at the end of the day he is probably doing it for his kids own good, and they and their happiness in the eye's of any good parent come before his new relationship!

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