to ask for confirmation that DP's rels are visiting at the weekend

[napoleona]

trivial query alert: but its really done my head in! i have asked dp each day this week for confirmation if his rels are visiting us this weekend. they have been invited and im happy that they come to see us. but dp threw a massive wobbly last night saying ''you've changed so much since we first got together , why do you have to know, its abnormal that you need to know whats happening!'' then he starts a tirade about how crap things are between us. am i being control freak? or is it ok to want to know if we have people coming this weekend? to put it in contaxt a bit: this saturday i am also having major dental surgery so will be a little bit sore after that, i am really happy for them to come as we dont get that many vistors and the kids love it, and also my sister is coming sunday already so i am just trying to organise it all in my head. so dp got up and left this morning for work and has just text me saying soory for being nasty, but things have really changed and its not good for all of us, but i love you and if you dont want to continue i will understand. it feels like he wants me to say its ok you can go, i will take the blame!! AIBU about a)the weekend and b) that he wants a get out clause? thanks for reading, it is dull.

[FreudianSlimmery]

YANBU. Is his outburst really out of the blue or are you having other problems? Sounds a bit passive-aggressive IYSWIM, in that he's been bothered about other stuff for a while.

[pozzled]

YANBU. Presumably (like most couples) it was much easier to be relaxed and spontaneous when you first met- no kids etc. I suppose your DP expects you to have food ready for his relatives if/when they do come?

Personally I think you are being remarkably tolerant to play host when you have major dental surgery planned.

Agree with SGM that you need to sit down and have a good talk.

[onceamai]

Relatives coming: You don't say if it's just a drop in or if they have to stay over, ie, coming a long way, and all the stops have to be pulled out. If it's a drop in I guess you might be a bit U but if they need actual entertaining I think notice is only right and proper.

Poor you though. It sounds as if DP realises he's gone over the top. Is he finding being a family unit and the responsibilities that go with it tough. Can you talk through the problems; perhaps even seeing someone from Relate or similar.

Thinking of you and hope it turns out OK.

[ENormaSnob]

You really need to speak to your dp.

Yanbu re the visit from rellies.

[girlywhirly]

Yanbu to want to know the situation regarding the relatives visit. Especially if you will be expected to cater for them, involving meal planning and extra shopping. Also trying to be sociable while possibly in pain and even spitting blood after your surgery, I had a wisdom tooth out and was spitting blood for the best part of a day, not a good look.

I'm concerned about DP attitude towards you. No concern for your wellbeing re the surgery, totally self-absorbed about how crap things are for him, and things have changed, but with no attempt to discuss or find ways of improving things between you.

If he does want a get out, he's trying to make you force him out rather than being pro active and telling you that he wants to go. You do need to talk about this. Do you know definitely that the relatives have been invited, if it was down to him to ask them he may not have done so given the problem between you, and is annoyed whenever you ask. Do they know about your surgery, I'd be mortified if I arrived somewhere and found the host ill and no-one had told me, I would have postponed the visit. Don't assume you'll be up to eating, let alone cooking.

He says he loves you, in which case he should be willing to do whatever it takes to explore what will make the relationship work. Counselling would be a good place to start.

[CrazyPlateLady]

Wow! Can't believe he reacted like that to a perfectly reasonable question. Of course you want to know if they are coming at the weekend, particularly as you are having surgery.

It does sound like he is laying at your feet for a get out clause I'm afraid.

You need to have a serious chat with him as he is obviously unhappy with your relationship. His outburst to that question was totally OTT.

[napoleona]

thank you all so much for replies. im at work so will be brief! the rels were invited by him, they are hsi rels, but then he hasnt followed up to see if they are def coming, this is why i was asking him to see if he has finalised plans. they will need catering for but not necessarily overnight depending on how drunk they get! re his looking for a get out clause i reminded him this morning in my text reply that he said this exact same thing a year ago that i have changed etc etc and obv we have not got anywhere so if he wants to finish things he does not need my permission. he has now emailed to say he needs time to think. so do i! i tried relate last year and he refused to come. looks like i was right that he over reacted due to his looking for a way out! and yes we have 2 kids now and i work so of course things/i have changed!! thanks all x

[CrazyPlateLady]

Poor you.

Could you try a temporary separation? He sounds like he is being a bit of a twat tbh, sorry.

If I had a text or email like that from DH, I would probably just tell him to go if he felt that way.

Hope you can work it out.

[ENormaSnob]

napoleona, sorry to read your latest post.

To me it sounds like he wants to end the relationship but doesn't have the balls to say it outright.

Fuck him, what do you want in all this?

I think you would get some good advice by posting on relationships.

I also think you should start looking at getting your finances in order and preparing practical stuff in case you do split up.

[napoleona]

cheers all. i guess i will try to have a think myself about what i want. i dont really want a second broken home for my kids (one is his, one not) but i am pissed off at being told the whole time that i have changed im no fun etc etc. i work bloody hard in a stressful job and i have kids and i do all/most the house stuff and childcare. i really do everything i can to make dp life as easier as poss as he has a horrible commute everyday. but i am constantly on the go. constantly knackered. as for finances in order, well i would have to claim benefits as we rent and i only work 25 -30 hours per week. anyway thanks all for your help, most reassuring that i am not being a total nut for asking if his family coming over!!