How to support DH?

[User0987]

DH is away with friends at the moment. I know he can drink out of control with them so when I couldn't get hold of him this morning I got very worried. Eventually got a message back and he admitted he'd woken up in a pool of sick and no clue how he got there. I tried not to react too negatively but inside I was (and still am!) Worried sick. It was so bloody dangerous and he could've killed himself He admitted he needs to give up alcohol as he just doesn't know when to stop and goes way over his limits. He has never been this bad before but he has reached some pretty dire places.

How do I help him with this? I think it's great he recognises he needs to give up but I also know there's no way he can do this on his own. He has said it before but maybe this time is different as he himself said he could've died so he does realise how serious this is.

[User0987]

Anyone? He drinks most days, regularly downs a bottle of wine and justifies it as "having a bad day" or "it helps with chronic pain" or "just a few drinks with work colleagues / friends" which turns into paraletically drunk. I don't know what to do to help? Do I get rid of all the alcohol in the house? If it's there he'll most likely drink it. He's said a few times he wants to give up but then he always goes back to it. I once suggested giving up for lent and he managed about 2 days

[Tinkobell]

Yes. Do get rid of all the alcohol that's currently in the house...the lot, chuck it all including mouthwash, rice wine & handgels. If he asks why, say because booze has stopped being fun and nearly cost him his life.
What you do OP, is leave him with his addiction and let him hit a proper rock bottom. If he pukes at home and black out, put him into the recovery then leave him til he comes round ....DO NOT clear up, tidy up or anything. He needs to come round, cold with his face caked in dried puke to finally realise that he is not in control. Get all the AA numbers handy and offer to go with him. Don't cover or lie for him, don't give him access to car keys if he's pissed up. This is the tough love you've got to show to push him to self recovery. Nobody can do it for him. Sorry you're going through this, it is v tough. Contact Al Anon for yourself and get support.

[Tinkobell]

If he's away now, go online and look up your next local AA 'open' meeting and just plan to go. If he doesn't want to go, you go, alone, talk to people there, be prepared to learn. But be resolute and go...it'll put the shitters up him. By the way, you don't have to be an 'alcoholic' to attend AA and you don't have to declare that you're an alcoholic ....just a person with a drink issue, which he clearly has. V soon, he's probably going to loose his job getting so paralytic I'd say. A friend of mine was so pissed once they blacked out in the middle of a dual carriageway central reservation ....that was his rock bottom, he quit after that.

[Toomanycats99]

To be honest you can't do much to help! Only he can do it. You can keep the house as booze free as you like but it won't stop him unless he wants to.

And whatever shock remorse he is feeling now will probably wear off.

Sorry to be negative! But speaking from experience!

[AnyFucker]

He can only help himself. The sooner you accept that, the better.

[Bluewavescrashing]

Tell him how worried you are about him and say he needs to get help. GP or AA, preferably both

[User0987]

@Tinkobell he already has. He puked up whilst away and woke up with no idea how he got there. He's bloody lucky he didn't choke on his vomit! He says he doesn't want to end up in that situation again and that he wants to give up alcohol. But he's said that before so I don't have confidence he can do this on his own. Can the GP actually do anything to help?

[User0987]

I think I'm struggling to process it tbh. I feel a mixture of upset and angry. He's a bloody idiot for putting himself in that situation (and that's putting it politely). Of course I haven't told him I feel angry but I did tell him I was upset. I don't think it'll help if I tell him I feel angry and I do know it's not easy to just give up.

If I look for an open AA meeting, would we go together or is it just a supporter's one?

[HowlsMovingBungalow]

A GP can refer your dh to your local drug and alcohol services. Some services you can self refer. If your DH is at risk of heavy withdrawal ie he is physically addicted to alcohol they will offer a detox ( week at home with a detox nurse visiting daily to check blood pressure and administer benzo type meds for withdrawal symptoms) and then arrange for a aftercare plan.

[Bluewavescrashing]

My DH has been through a GP referral and to local addiction service. He found it really helpful and also started antidepressants. When the addiction service felt he was ready he moved on to AA. He's had a couple of minor slip ups but has now been sober for several months. It's possible.

[Tinkobell]

Look. It is encouraging that he says he wants to give it up, honestly it is because in that sentiment he’s acknowledging that he cannot self regulate, that he’s a slave to an addiction and the only way out is permanently quitting. But what you have to understand is that alcohol is a crutch to an addict and is bloody scary to have it withdrawn- because what do you replace it with? This is where the AA can help and don’t delay - just go together. If he’s absolutely serious about wanting freedom and change he will get in the car and go with you to a meeting - if he won’t then he’s not serious tbh and still in denial. I’m afraid I don’t hold great faith in nhs programs - AA offer great support ongoing and can support through relapse as well. I hope this helps! Try to curb your anger and focus on moving forward to some action.

[Tinkobell]

If you look up AA open meetings and also go to one a tiny bit further afield no risk of bumping into anyone. Anonymity is meant to be sacrilege anyway.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Have a look at Al-Anon for yourself. Your DH/DP is not your responsibility.