I failed again

[imabloodymess]

I am battling bipolar and now alcoholism. It's been getting worse and worse and last night I got drunk at home, had a guy over for sex, went out, did cocaine, went clubbing on my own where I was the oldest person in the place. I keep doing this, I am so consumed with depression, agitation and anxiety that alcohol seems to be my only release. Everyone is angry with me (again) I hate myself so much. My kids are at their dads and I haven seen them in almost a month while I try and get better- I miss them so much it's crushing my soul but I still keep drinking. I feel like my only way out is to end my life, all I do is cause pain and misery to everyone around me. I have so many people wanting me to get better, a CPN a great GP, my mum has moved in to support me and I am starting with turning point tomorrow. I feel so so guilty and Ill I'm on Lithium so drinking really is a big no no, it could kill me and I still can't stop. I hate myself and my miserable life, I just want to get back to
the happy healthy person I was last year where I did 8 months sober, I was running 10ks I was happy and healthy. It's all just such a big mess, I feel like the world is just crumbling around me. I feel I have no strength left and I want to give up 😢

[ScreamingValenta]

No advice but - I hope you find a way back to last year's happy place.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Aw OP. Have you done AA? That works for me. Don't beat yourself up. It's onwards and upwards. Gratitude list? Big Book? We all fall down.

[Timeforabiscuit]

You are around people who know what the score is with your illness, they are professionals and you dont need to put your time into feeling guilt, its happened - but its not tomorrow.

I hope all goes well with turning point.

[imabloodymess]

I couldn't get on with AA, I feel like an absolute disgrace. My mum keeps looking at me with disgust and disappointment, they can't see it's an illness. They just keep getting angry and say I'm not trying hard enough. I just feel I have no control over my addiction which is complicated by my illness. I am severely depressed, my children not being here is crippling me but I know I'm not in a state to look after them. Im so angry I could scream. This isn not how an adult or a mother should behave, I just want it to stop.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

It's definitely an illness! I had exactly the same from my mother. I was on four bottles of wine a day so I have really been there. The AA part that works for me is mainly people who have been in the same place. Keep posting. I totally understand.

[imabloodymess]

In know I'm ill and my bipolar just complicates the whole thing. I have very low self esteem and confidence and look for any attention, usually in the really wrong places! I can't believe some of the things I've done, I'm so embarrassed I can't even say it to anyone. I just want to hide away which I know isn't going to help but my depression is crippling so I drink to alleviate all my symptoms of anxiety, agitation, depression etc which is a viscous circle because the next day I feel worse, I'm so close to giving up, only thing keeping me alive is my kids 😐

[CarolSpatula]

I really feel for you. This really isn’t your fault. You have bipolar and it causes you to act is ways you wouldn’t normally, including drinking. It doesn’t seem like the lithium is working if you’re still having episodes (behaviour you’ve described sounds like hypomania / mixed state?), can you explore different medication? I am on Lamotrigine and it’s been brilliant - I don’t drink now, and this just wasn’t possible before my bipolar was under control because as soon as you go hypomanic all control goes out the window!

[imabloodymess]

I've only been on Lithium for three weeks, I am also on lamotrogine, duloxetine, quetiepine and am pretty much hooked on diazepam. The idea is to wean me off everything else and just have me on the lithium. Problem is my family just think it's all in my control, I feel like I'm having mixed episodes- last night definitely was one and it's been building all week, agitation, being rude/irritable, hyper sexuality but I'm also severely depressed. It all such a mess. If I can stop drinking things will improve but I'm finding it impossible x

[Lobsterquadrille2]

How are you, OP?