DH drunk and talking to me about committing suicide

[dorsetnightrider]

Jesus Christ I'm tired and bored and exhausted.

Earlier this evening DH asked if he could have a glass of wine. I said no but he said he was desperate. I gave in because I didn't want an argument and to be fair our lives are really shit at the moment (financial ruin, lost our baby recently, family feuds etc). I didn't participate in the drinking.

He has polished off the bottle and then some vodka he got from God knows where (we have a no alcohol rule in the house... Though he's broken that many times). It's 3am now and he hasn't stopped stomping around the house with knives and box cutters saying how great suicide would be.

This has happened before.

I'm just SO TIRED. All I want to do is go to sleep. I have work in 5 hours and I don't need this but at the same time I can't sleep knowing he is awake and every move he makes in the house I bolt up and have my ear to the door making sure he isn't actually doing anything stupid.

I've threatened to call the police which seemed to scare him as I was being dead serious. I can't handle him when he's like this.

He has been to rehab and AA but gave up on AA last year, he says due to work commitments. I'm at my wits end.

What do I do?!

[TanteRose]

you poor thing - must be exhausting.

I am so sorry you lost your baby

could you call the non-emergency police number? 101? maybe they can advise

[TanteRose]

btw it sounds as if you would be better off on your own...is that an option?

[AuntyElle]

Appalling situation for you. Don't hesitate to call the police if you feel it's needed. Call the Samaritans to talk you through what's happening right now?
And from tomorrow, to ensure you are never in this situation again...
Are you in Alanon? If you are living with an alcoholic you need to be imo. You should never be in the position of withholding or allowing alcohol to an alcoholic - totally unhealthy and appalling for your own sanity.
Sorry, you probably know all this but didn't want to ignore your post.

[dorsetnightrider]

Thank you for replying at this unholy hour of the day!

Tante I have considered separating from him but doing the maths I simply cannot afford to right now. I will have to find a better paying job (which I'm in the process of doing so I can get out when I need to!). The problem is I love him so much when he is sober.

Aunty, I did consider alanon when DH first started doing AA but didn't think DHs condition was serious enough to warrant me seeking help too. He had been quite good in the months leading up to this episode but I see now from my post I do need to seek help and advice.

[AuntyElle]

Honestly, do go. If you live in a city you can even try more than one group. And give it a few weeks to get used to it. They are really friendly and supportive. They can help you focus on your own life and well being, and clear a bit of the headfuck that being attached to an alcoholic entails. Even looking at their website while you can't sleep might be an idea.

[R3ALLY]

Oh God I could have written this. I hope you're ok. My H does the same, I have suicide notes he has written while pissed... I know exactly what it's like and then you have to get up and carry on as normal. I'm not going to give you advice because I'm in the middle of it myself but I have started talking about it and it makes such a difference. First anonymously on line, then to womens aid and finally to friends. It's fantastic now people know - you feel so alone otherwise. We are going through a process and he's on his. 'Last last' chance. I hope you get support... You don't deserve it. Al anon says you don't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. Take care xxx

[PurplePenguins]

I have the tshirt too. AlAnon were my lifesavers. You haven't said if you have any other children but I do and they helped me deal with the younger ones and Alateen (not sure on spelling) definitely helped my eldest. You need help too not just him. The only real advice I can give you is to talk. Talk to family and friends, AlAnon, anyone you feel comfortable with. It really helps to put things into perspective and sort your life out whether that is with him or without him. You haven't caused it in any way and only he can fix it if he wants to

[R3ALLY]

That's it exactly. It wasn't until I started talking that I realised how much guilt and blame I had internalised. It was like I had been dragged down with him. It wasn't until womens aid took me seriously that I started to realise I shouldn't have to put up with this.

[dorsetnightrider]

Thank you so much for your responses R3LLY and Purple.

Even though it's terribly sad, I'm glad in a way that I'm not the only one with a lovely, beautiful DH who just turns in to a different person when they've had a drink. It's such a sweet relief to talk to others about it!

This morning I got the usual "I'm so sorry" spiel but I didn't have the patience this morning and I mentioned divorce. He got very scared and booked a couples counselling with a psychotherapist for tomorrow for us to go see. Apparently she is one of the top psychotherapists dealing with addiction and often counsels couples together (although we will have to schlep it up to London on a regular basis he said he wants to make it work). That has made me happy. I'm also looking at local AlAnon meetings in my area and am very excited to try one out next week.

But of course I've heard most of this all before so I still have my guard up. I'm willing to make it work because I love him but my patience now is wafer thin.

X

[R3ALLY]

Yeah, we're at the 'sorry' stage too but I've heard it all before. Good idea to go to counselling together, my H went on his own but he clearly wasn't telling her the full story. I think when nobody knows you get fooled into thinking there is something 'normal' about it all - you are 'coping' - but when you see a 3rd party looking shocked it puts things into perspective. Womens Aid were brilliant for me - I had never heard of emotional abuse until I spoke to them. Take care and think of yourself in all of this X

[Squeegle]

Glad he is taking steps. I agree with the other advixe; talk to people you trust- don't keep this to yourself. In your position now I would state boundaries - ie it's up to you if you drink; I'm not your keeper. But if you do I can't live with you any more. That gives him the responsibility. You are not in charge of his drinking. He can do it any way he pleases - but it's up to him. If you are happy to go to couples counselling you should go - but keep your own boundaries.

[YouAreMyRain]

Alanon is for anyone affected by alcohol. I've known children of "dry alcoholics" go to help with the toxic Behaviour patterns, try it and see X

[AuntyElle]

I know AA isn't the route for everyone, but I'd be wary of joining him in couples counselling, when he stopped attending AA due to lack of time. It sounds like he is possibly wanting you directly in his recovery process with him, rather than taking full responsibility for it himself. I would definitely check out the psychotherapist's credentials and approach yourself first.