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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


(27 Posts)
hifi Tue 29-Jul-08 18:52:36


to my shame i distracted and didnt answer, that would mean i would have to mention her birth mother. that in itsef isnt a problem, its the whole thing after i worry about. we do go thru her life book but there are no photos of bm.she left dd straight after the birth and only saw her once after.

i have been running thru loads of scenarios on how i would tell her when it came up, but get really upset about it.

any ideas? it seems so easy in the prep groups.

Kewcumber Tue 29-Jul-08 19:21:17

Ds didn't ever really "meet" his birth mohter so I have a simialr issue. Because of his age I obviously haven't had to deal ith the "tummy" issue. You obviously need to rehearse it - easiest for you to dela with if you are very matter of fact I would have thought "no you grew in another lady's tummy". That will probably do for now and see if she asks anything else.

noonki Tue 29-Jul-08 19:27:42

but from a friend who was adopted do a have a simple explanation ready as to why she then came to you. He said his parents were so open about being adopted that it made it easy to ask but his mum said that he kept asking and asking (as I suppose all kids do about their past)

good luck

hifi Tue 29-Jul-08 19:35:02

her little mind is starting to tick things over. we always say before we came to get you, obviously instead of before we had you, she now says i lived with grandma didnt i. she looks at photos of her foster parents weekly but never mentions them.

you think youve got it sussed till it happenssad

Kewcumber Tue 29-Jul-08 20:23:52

this is just another little hurdle - once you've broken the back of it with her it will become second nature (until the next phase).

Can;t you use her life book to go over her story in a bit more of a divorced fashion (IYSWIM) - do you have a simplified version of a backwards lifebook?

hifi Tue 29-Jul-08 23:08:07

i think you are right kew, i will add a few more bits. i find it very difficult as i cant comprehend how her bm could have rejected her. im sure she will feel that later, thanks.

Kewcumber Tue 29-Jul-08 23:32:28

but her BM didn't know her, thats how it was possible. Thats what I will tell DS - that some people can only look after themselves and that meant his BM didn't stay long enough to find out how wonderful he is.

hifi Tue 29-Jul-08 23:40:37

exactly kew,shes so ours now and its my fault we have never mentioned bm, very little info, no photo, brief description from social worker.i have removed a photo of bm husband who isnt her father as she was asking who he was, save that one for later.

magso Wed 30-Jul-08 12:06:53

Its a difficult one! I thought ds understood despite his LD- we have always been very open and have a picture of BM and look at his life book. Ds helped feed 'orphaned' baby lambs until they went to the field with new mummy sheep.
Around age 5 several classmates had expectant mums then baby siblings so he asked that same question, and seemed to happily accept the answer that he came out of bm tummy, but because bm could not look after him herself, we (who wanted him to be our child join and our family) become his mummy and daddy - so he always had parents to love and lookafter him.
Recently he cried and said he wanted to come from my tummy! I just said yes it would have been lovely if you could have grown in my tummy (which isnt very good at growing babies!)- but he is who he is (his lovely smile, hair and eyes!!), and I love him just the way he is so perhaps it is for the best! He grew so beautiful and kind in BMs tummy!

jofeb04 Wed 30-Jul-08 17:02:40

As someone who was adopted as a young baby I have always known I was adopted. I always remember one thing that my mum and dad said to me - I must have been about 5.

You did not come from my tummy, but, you will always be in my heart.

I have always known some of the circumstances surrounding my birth mum, such as she was young etc, and feel that as my parents mentioned it throughout my young days, we never had that day of "Your adopted@ iykwim.

If its crap advice, ignore it. But I hope it helps - just a different perspective.

Kewcumber Wed 30-Jul-08 17:07:30

its not crap advice job its excellent advice, research shows that those children who handle their adoption best are the ones who can't actually remember being told (ie they were too young to remember and they just grew up with the idea).

jofeb04 Wed 30-Jul-08 17:11:22

Thanks Kew (still searching for bm, got address, no where her brother is.... still haven't done anything with the info yet!).

hughjarssss Wed 30-Jul-08 17:13:56

I was adopted as a baby. It was hard for my parnets to explain it to me as my bio mum is mactually my sister, who had me when she was 15, didn't want me and so I was adopted my nan and grandad. They raised me from birth.

My mum handled it fantastically.She didn't focus that much on my sister until I was older but when I was young and asking question as far as I can remember she told me that as soon as she had seen me she knew that she couldn't let me go, that she was bringing me home to be her special little girl. She kept using the word special. She said I was special because she had choosen me.

I can remember coming away from the conversation just thinking how special I was and how much my mum and dad loved because they had choosen me.

HTH a little bit.

hifi Wed 30-Jul-08 17:35:18

thanks everyone, got a better idea now.

QOD Sat 02-Aug-08 16:15:18

I used the pregnant women around us to explain, dd understood & rarely got/gets upset or fazed.
I use " you grew in my heart not my tummy "

Heifer Sat 02-Aug-08 17:28:59

Another adoptee who was told so early that I always knew.

I have no idea what age I was told, but just have the feeling that I always knew so must have been around 4 I guess.

BUT my mum has said in the past that she thinks she told me too early as I didn't understand and would often tell people in the street etc!

My DD (4.5) asked me only last week about me being in Nanas tummy and I told her. Wish I hadn't really as though she understood she keeps mentioning it whenever she thinks about it. IE if she sees someone pregnant or someone talks about their mum etc, she will say that you have 2 mummies don't you mummy. And I Hate it. as I feel that I have only ever had 1 mum and dad... (who have sadly passed away). So I wish I had waited until she was at least 6 before I told her.

Kewcumber Sat 02-Aug-08 19:58:13

the problem with adoption is that children can't really understand the concept until they are 5 or 6 but I really do believe that it is better for them to know before that probably at the time they are old enough to ask about fat ladies who growing a baby in their tummy. You don't need to say that you have two mummies because you didn't really. You say you had one mummy who was Nana and there was another lady (my social worker recommends you refer to her by her name if you know it based on some research that was done a few years ago) who grew you in her tummy.

You can expand on the birth mother (who grew you) vs the mummy who was your real mummy when they are older.

The telling everyone everything may be unavoidable but its fairly obvious that DS was adopted so I guess I'm not so worried about that.

drspouse Mon 04-Aug-08 15:31:34

I have read that these days it is not really encouraged to tell children they were "chosen" for a variety of reasons, including the idea that perhaps they could not have been chosen, perhaps if they were bad you could choose to send them back.

I know this was a common explanation in the past and probably works well for some kids but there is that risk.

Kewcumber Mon 04-Aug-08 16:07:29

being "chosen" wasnt something that was discussed on my prep course so its not somehitn giI've ever mentally prepared myself to say - besidea technically I didn't choose DS some complete stranger did!

Heifer Mon 04-Aug-08 17:01:43

Being told I was chosen was a huge boost for me tbh as in my case it was true. My parents saw 3 other babies before they picked me (apparently)

I know that I can't take any credit for being so obviously cute etc, but I know that it helped my parents pick me, as did the personal cirumstances that came with me (ie my bm wanting COE parents, and that my BF worked for the same company my dad worked)

I can remember as a child the feelings of being chosen far outweighed any feeling of being abandoned (if fact I never actually had negetive feelings about being adopted at all).

PheasantPlucker Tue 05-Aug-08 10:53:56

I have read this with interest as we had the question raised recently too by dd2. We have an added dimension in that we have a 7 year old birthchild. We have always told dd2 she was adopted, even when she was tiny. She first asked about 'tummies' in a friend's car about 4 months ago.

Thanks to jofeb04 for the advice.

magso Tue 05-Aug-08 12:33:39

Heifer thanks for the reassuring words - it worries me ds will feel abandoned by his bm. I think it is important for children to know they were and are wanted and loved although I can see the choice of word (e.g. chosen) could be difficult for some. Ds likes to be told our family story - how mummy and daddy were sad (he always mentions that bit!!) because they wanted a child - how we waited hopefully, and how pleased we were to get his picture and how we hoped we would be matched to be his mummy and daddy etc.In other words he likes to told about the waiting and hoping before he arrived just as much as the rest of the story.

Heifer Tue 05-Aug-08 14:46:33

magso - no problem, just wanted to express from my point of view so glad it helped in some way.

alysonpeaches Wed 06-Aug-08 11:27:51

It is just as well to rehearse an answer, as children need to be told simply but truthfully, that doesnt mean bluntly. Some details will need to be spared.

dreamylady Fri 11-Sep-09 23:45:27

Magso - just seen your lovely post about how you tell your DS how happy you are that he grew as beautiful and kind as he did in the other woman's tummy. Made me well up and i will definately use that idea talking to our dd who has always known she had a first mummy (who died) before she had me.

hope you're still watching this thread cos I'm really grateful for that. We are not a traditional adoptive family (i'm with dd's biological dad so have become her mum 'by default') so i don't get this kind of advice/support anywhere else.

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