Closed infant adoption in UK

[Star555]

Not planning to adopt right now, but just looking ahead a few years...I am interested in eventually adopting an infant locally in the UK (don't want to deal with bureaucracy, language barriers, and high cost of international adoption). Ideally a baby as young as possible (newborn is fine), definitely not over 2-3 years old at the time of bringing the child home. Would like a 100% closed adoption -- deceased/unknown/totally out of the picture birth parent(s) having absolutely no contact with the child. The child should be so young that they wouldn't remember life before adoption.

Is this common, or are most local UK adoptions for older children and open to birth parent contact? How likely is an application for my case to be successfully matched with a baby for closed adoption in a reasonable time (post-Covid of course) ? (Assume that all other factors like my job and health are stable and approved to adopt. I might consider adopting as a single parent or with a partner.)

[MarmiteChocolate]

If you don't want to deal with beurocracy, adoption in the UK will not suit you at all I'm afraid. It can be a long, complex and frustrating journey.

It is very rare for a child to be adopted where there are absolutely no contact plans - most children will have at least postbox/letters each year with birth family. Whether the birth family engage in it or not is another question.

There are very very few babies relinquished for adoption rather than being taken away via the courts.

[Minnie888]

@Star555 I'm sorry if it was unintentional but that feels like a very goady post. Adoption in the UK is, quite rightly, all about the child and their needs. Pretending their birth family don't exist with zero contact may work well for you but imagine the questions that child might have as they grow older that you can't answer. Quite rightly it is expected that children know they are adopted and they know about their birth families as much as possible, it's right and it can also be the least damaging as they grown older and become curious as opposed to one big shock. So to answer your question if you asked these questions to an adoption agency in the uk I would say they'd be concerned you would be the right person to adopt. There is specific training all adopters have to go on the make this and issues related to children with trauma very clear to adopters. Think of what the best thing is for that child growing up rather than what you would prefer.

[MissMeowCat]

Op, You need to do more research around adoption, trauma surrounding adoption that all adoptive people will/can experience, the child may be removed at birth but they will grow up, it isn’t a case of forgetting all children have a right to know their life story. Adoptees have decisions made for them & have to work through the impact of that as they grow up.
There may be some occasions in which no contact is suggested but I think this is rare as adoptive families have training to be as open as possible with the child about being adopted.

I understand the thought process that if a child is removed at birth they will have no”issues”but this is not a clear cut case some will question their identity/who they are etc. It is a much deeper issue than thinking removal creates less trauma. (& yes some people don’t feel they have been affected by being adopted but each persons is different).
I would recommend speaking to adoptive people if possible, they have the lived experience & it’s not always as rosy as it may seem.

Also, going through the adoptive process is still admin/ bureaucracy related as you have paperwork/ training/ home visits/ references etc to contest with it isn’t a simple fill in a form & a baby is produced....

[MissMeowCat]

Just to be clear I meant I understand some people may believe removal at birth will cause no issues but I don’t agree with this viewpoint & think it’s quite naive.

[Rowenasemolina]

What do you mean you might consider adopting as a single parent if with a partner?

You are unlikely to be considered at all, unless your relationship situation has been stable for Several years, and that does not sound like the case for you

[ginislife]

I'd say you need to do a lot of reading around trauma. Just because a baby is removed at birth and adopted doesn't mean they don't know somethings not right. Their mother carried them for 9 months. There's a lot of books on the subject. The Body Keeps the Score is one. They can have FAS, drug addiction, all kinds of issues. You're not necessarily going to get a perfect little baba. They're being adopted for good reason.

[Rowenasemolina]

It doesn’t sound like you have any real understanding of the realities of adoption. You need to do done deep research, including getting a lot of experience of the care of children with serious attachment disorders.

[NotStayingIn]

I am interested in eventually adopting a puppy locally in the UK (don't want to deal with bureaucracy, language barriers, and high cost of international adoption). Ideally a dog as young as possible (newborn is fine), definitely not over 2-3 years old at the time of bringing the dog home. Etc

You get the gist. Your OP is one of the oddest I've read in a while. You've also just described an almost Disney like stereotypical 'easy' adoption process. I assume it's not meant to come across so silly so apologies for being a bit rude about your OP.

[Radglags]

Ah yes, the ‘ideal’ adoption of a newborn from a deceased birth mother

[sabzino]

I think that the ideal adoption I.e deceased birth mother doesn't exist. As their is still the father grandparents etc. Unless the family is dangerous letterbox contact is always encourage and sometimes a photo may be requested that the parent can see in the presence of the social worker. It may be best to look into surrogacy. Either way unless the child is your birth child they will always have two identities which they will be aware of throughout their lives. Might be good to look through some of the blog, vlogs and adoption websites to give yourself a better understanding of adoption

[Jellycatspyjamas]

How likely is an application for my case to be successfully matched with a baby for closed adoption in a reasonable time

I’d say it’s not likely to be approved at all, for all the reasons others have mentioned. Adoption is about finding parents for children, not a doll for you to play with.

Very few babies are relinquished in the U.K., they will most likely have been exposed to drugs and/or alcohol in the womb, and have experienced trauma in utero. The expectation is that the child grows up knowing they are adopted and their adoption story in age appropriate ways. There will usually be some form of contact with the birth family, usually indirect. I’d not expect you to be approved for adoption with the attitude you’ve shown in your OP.

[scully29]

Star I think you've done the right thing asking your questions well in advance of being ready to adopt as everyone starts somewhere and there is a huge amount to learn.

In answer to your questions it is completely uncommon, it just doesn't happen like that. Nor should it, as you will learn as you learn more about adoption as children grow up and want to know their roots - there has been buckets of research and what you should actually aim for is that they are in such a loving safe space with you that they can know their roots and thats ok.

The assessment process is very long and very paperworky/bureaucratic as it needs to be, it takes maybe a year, some much longer. It is very involved and looks at all aspects of your life so yes you are wise to be looking ahead on lifestyle stabilty etc.
To adopt a new born you'd normally be looking at something called foster to adopt but this would actually be a more involved thing with the birth parents. But regular adoption yes you can still adopt a younger child.

As others have said a newborn is not removed for no reason, they are likely to have been exposed to drink, drugs and high stress (perhaps due to domestic violence for example) within the womb all if which takes its toll on baby well being & brain development etc.

But these are all normal things in adoption and as |I always do I highly recommend Adoption UK as they just have the most amazing selection of webinars, from contact with birth parents to fetal alcohol things so all really really helpful in bringing you to a more informed position before you come to the place where you want to adopt.

I saw your other post mention breast feeding an adopted child and I think I recall a recent article in their magazine was on this very topic so may be useful for you and you can find the old copies on their website.

Id do lots and lots of research and watch and read everything you can. Some good starting points as well as Adoption UK might be Sally Donovan books, very readable, and some of the you tube vloggers like Aimme vlog. Work on getting loads of experience with children as well that seems to be a recurring theme at the moment!

[Italiangreyhound]

@Star555. I think others have explained why your starting point is going to raise some issues.

I'd like to ask why you want to adopt. Have you already considered other ways to becoming a parent? My own journey has been quite complicated. IUI to have a birth child and then 6 plus years of fertility treatment with donor eggs and then adoption of a three year old.

I mention this because if you are wishing to begin a family and it sounds like you don't currently have a partner, "I might consider adopting as a single parent or with a partner." This may be a way.

Anyway, it is possible to have fertility treatment with donor eggs, donor sperm, or egg and sperm or embryo. Then issues around birth parents are not such a thing. Although it is still advisable to tell the child of their origins.

I am also wondering if you are from the states, or elsewhere, or if English is not your first language -as I think the term closed adoption is much less uses in the UK.

Lastly, the letterbox contact we, (dh and I) as adopters, have with our son's birth parents is very limited. They no longer reply but we send the letters because we know one day he will want to meet them and understand and we want to have done all we can to facilitate that.

Anyway good luck with whatever you choose.

[EG88]

I don't often "speak up" on posts but I was a little unsettled by some of your thoughts about adoption, OP, particularly around bringing home a new born. We have had our LO since day one of life. I think it's important not to think of a new born as easier and that somehow you can gloss over the adoption part because you have had them from day one. Adoption is as much a part of their story as an older childs. To not acknowledge the adoption and to not reinforce their 'history' (because even new borns have an extensive family history) might makes it seem like this is something the child should be ashamed of. Even a new born will have memories of "life before adoption" because as an adoptive parent of a new born it's your job to create those memories. So while our LO may not remember, he does know that his Mum chose to grew him and kept him extremely safe for 9 months. Even when bringing home a new born you can not gloss over the fact that you went to hospital to get them. That their family were there and that you spoke with them and they asked you things and gave you things to bring home with your LO. These are parts of your child's story and should be told (age appropriately.) Even with a new born you will likely have contact. In some cases alot of contact that might even lead you to forming meaningful relationships with the birth family and pursuing long term face to face contact. The word "new born" may sound simple to you in adoption terms but it brings with it a whole range of emotional complexities and you, as the adoptive parent, will need to make alot of choices that are best for your child not you. Perhaps it would help to take a bit of time to think about whether your list of "ideals" are about your needs or your future childs. I wish you well on your journey as you continue to learn about adoption and how special it is.

[Star555]

Hello all, thank you so much for your honest comments and suggestions! @Italiangreyhound yes I have been living in the States but hope to move back in a few years time. I have heard more about US adoptions but wanted perspective on UK adoptions. I don't want to be pregnant, that's just really it...I'm healthy, but biology/anatomy is too icky for me (but breastfeeding is fine). @Rowenasemolina I think you misread it I said single OR with a partner, not IF. I was indeed thinking of the ideal scenario of adopting a baby relinquished at birth. Basically want the same as an international adoption from an orphanage/children's home (for international adoption there is no birth parent contact, and that is the norm, not frowned upon). I am certainly aware of trauma/future anguish issues and would deal with them with care and attention, but if internationally-adopted babies can grow up well without knowing who their birth parents are, domestically-adopted ones should be no less able. I'm not saying trauma isn't an issue in either case I'm only saying that domestic babies shouldn't statistically be more trauma-prone than international babies, and if international babies can be fine without birth parent contact , so can domestic babies. (I know several people my age who were themselves adopted internationally from other countries to the US, and they have never had issues.) Otherwise international adoptions would cease to happen!

[Italiangreyhound]

Than you for replying Star555.

Your views on domestic and international adoption do show you have spent some time in the states. What I know of international adoption is limited (but I have spoken to a few people because I am old enough to remember when adoption from China and even Romania was more common!

We researched it a lot.

Plus I have watched a lot of documentaries in the 20 odd years between first thinking about adoption (when I visited a Romanian orphanage) and finally adopting domestically almost 7 years ago.

If you do want to go down the international adoption route then I would research this extensively before coming back to the UK. This is because international adoption in the UK is very expensive and also is quite limited in what countries are available to adopt from (my understanding is this is more common in the States).

[Italiangreyhound]

It's possible that some people adopted from overseas don't have issues and some adopted domestically don't have issues either, but I do think 'issues' (sorry I can't think of a better word) related to adoption are very real for many children and adults.

Children adopted from some countries do not have any real knowledge of who their birth parents are or anything to do with their extended birth family. It may be a shameful secret in their country to have a child if not married and therefore even the relinquishing of the child was done in secret.

There used to be a list of videos somewhere on here all about adoption related documentaries etc and some of them are excellent in providing additional understanding.

I don't think domestically adopted children are more prone to trauma but I think it is better understood and if you adopt domestically you may find out a lot more about your new child's medical and family history.

Our son was adopted domestically and we know limited history. I still sit in the doctor's surgery and they say 'Does XYZ run in your family?" I used to explain to the doctor my son was adopted and I didn't know. But he was so upset one time by my explaining that, that I stopped. I now say "Not that I know of."

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes ignorance isn't bliss and sometimes knowledge is power. Knowing more about your child can help you to parent better and look out for them.

Overseas adoption is a wonderful thing but it is costly, it can take a long time, (longer sometimes than domestic adoption) and you may find you have issues you were not expecting.

I also think you are over thinking the birth parent contact. Most people I know who have adopted (in England) don't have face to face contact with any birth family members. If they do, it is usually siblings or grandparents.

The letterbox contact is simply a letter sent, usually annually, from the adopter to the birth parents, and sometimes, replied to by the birth parents to the adoptive parents (this is my experience, it is not to the child, not in our case).

The child you adopt is completely your child, legally and emotionally. They do, however, have another birth family and that is always going to be the way.

I was very keen on overseas adoption many years ago, the high cost, my age and the long wait put me off adopting from China. I do admire anyone who does it, honestly. But I don't think it is necessarily any easier. However, I really do not know how things work in the states so you may have had experience of this that I do not know of.

Good luck whatever you do decide to.

[Tillymintsmama]

With the outlook you have on adoption you seem to have, I think you have ZERO chance of being approved as an adopter by a UK adoption agency. Almost all adoptions in the UK are from children who have been removed from birth parents and the history and identity / contact issues that result from this are hugely important.

[caringcarer]

Most adopted children have postbox contact with birth parents if birth parents want it. The adoption process is very slow and full of paperwork, interviews with SW's and red tape.

[caringcarer]

I am a long term foster parent to a 14 1/2 year old who has been with me from just after his 5th birthday. He can't remember not living with me. Can barely recognise his birth Mother she sees him so infrequently. Supposed to meet 3 times a year. He is lucky if he sees her every 3 or 4 years. He is not bothered at all whether he sees her or not and refuses to call her Mum, even though she tells him to. There are very few babies in adoption system unless have SN. Sadly many babies now aborted.

[Breakfastofmilk]

I think you're also making a lot of assumptions about international adoption. Yes, I'm sure some international adoptees are happy with no contact with or knowledge of their birth family but others expend a lot of time and energy to find their birth family and make contact because that connection is important to them. Even if their lives with their adoptive family are otherwise happy and settled.

You're thinking about what you think would be most comfortable for you as a parent but have you considered how your hypothetical future child would feel to be told that his or her mother not only gave him or her up but never wanted even any kind of update to know if they were still alive and well and how rejected they would feel about that?

The reality of adoption is that your child wasn't born from a test tube. They will have a birth family somewhere and for some children you would cause immense distress by trying to pretend that isn't true.

[PatriciaHolm]

Essentially what you seem to want is something akin to the US-style voluntary, relinquish from birth, closed adoption, which is often a private arrangement, here in the UK. Which doesn't happen here; we have a very different approach to adoption.

The great majority of adoptees in the UK have experienced abuse/trauma, and most will have spent time in foster care; a 2013 ruling means that children are only placed for adoption if there is no other alternative, such as placing a child with birth relatives, which is usually a process that takes time to resolve. The average age of a child at adoption is 3. Only 8% of adoptees in 2018 were under 1.

The vision you have of a newborn being removed at birth and given to an adoptive parent immediately (or indeed particularly soon), and with no contact with parents, just doesn't happen here I'm afraid (or in any realistic numbers for you to be able to request).

[minniemoocher]

Adoption is very different in the U.K. from the USA. Very few babies are given up for adoption willingly, incredibly rare so most are older following social services interventions (to try to keep the family together), those that are newborn tend to have mothers who addicted to drugs or some other serious situation that they have been identified ahead of the birth they are not fit to be parents. Private adoption is almost unheard of (very common in the USA).

It's incredibly bureaucratic too, friends who have done both U.K. are international adoption found the international one easier (just more expensive). Single people can adopt but to be frank, very unlikely to get a baby as they tend to go to foster parents who have asked to adopt in my experience. I don't think any are closed

[NickD87]

I think you're definitely dealing in ideals here.

We're starting on our journey and you need to be prepared for adoption being a very different kind of parenting.

If you went into your preliminary meetings with this attitude, I'm pretty certain you wouldn't be approved to enter the process.

If you wanted a newborn, you'd be looking at the 'foster to adopt' process - which comes with it's own challenges.

And whatever route, even if it is unsafe for the child to have physical contact with birth family, you will still need to keep in touch with letters.

Ultimately, you would need to not look at this from a selfish angle. A family - no matter what the circumstance - will have lost a child. They deserve to know how their child is doing under those difficult circumstances.

I understand you're only thinking about it right now and have a lot to learn - but I have to say the attitude is sort of worrying and selfish.