Adopting siblings

[EnergyCreatesReality]

Hi all,

We are in the 1st stage of adopting and trying to decide whether to go for a sibling group or not and looking for anyone's experiences that they may be willing to share to help us.

On the plus we think it may be good to have 2 children (that would be our max) as they can then play with each other and when they get older they would have someone who has been through all the same experiences with them to share things with.

On the downside I'm worried about how hard it will be parenting more than one child who has been traumatised and whether we would be better focusing all of our attention onto 1 child rather than splitting it between 2.

Any insight would be much appreciated, thanks

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

We adopted 2, they were aged nearly 8 and 2.5.

Pros

• We completed our family in one go
  
• Girls are related and had a bond
  
• One set of contact and life story
  
• They look like each other and have someone related to them
  

Cons

• The first 3 months was very very hard, going from zero to two
  
• Harder to bond with older DD as younger needed so much attention, she maybe got less 1-1 than ideal.

[Sillyshell]

Hi we adopted siblings, DD was 2.6 and came to us first and then DS who was almost 2 came 3 months later

They are full siblings but were not placed in the same foster homes and had very little contact with each other

The first few months were hell to be honest, Dd did not take to him at all, we had just starting settling down and then DS came home and it took her months to settle again

They definitely have a bond and it would be sad if they hadn't been placed together but I would definitely do things differently if we had our time over

They will play together now and it's getting better as time goes on but they do fight a lot and are in constant competition with each other

[Toddlerx2]

We adopted siblings and I am pleased I did. However it wasn't easy and we often joke that one would be a breeze! They came home at 1 and 2 and had never lived with each other. The beginning was challenging as I imagine it is for everyone, it's just double the trouble!

Pros:
They have each other and a shared history.
They look like each other (interracial adoption)
They will always have someone to discuss fears about their journey with
We completed our family in one hit
We have kept at least one part of their birth family together
They love each other

Cons
It's really hard work going from zero to two over night
There is no escape
You constantly worry that you are not balancing your time
They bicker on occasion and like to 'dob' each other in (as soon as I walk through the front door!)
I worry that the other siblings (who are not wards of the state) will potentially have had a very different life to my children and the challenges that may bring in adulthood for my children (although this isn't just a sibling issue I suppose)

I wouldn't change our decision for the world. There are days I want to scream but I am so pleased that they are together and will always have each other, even as we traverse the challenges that are likely to come, they will always have each other.

[EnergyCreatesReality]

Thanks all, I think as long as we feel we can cope when we (fingers crossed) get to the matching stage we're going to be open to siblings

[JohnPA]

We adopted two brothers in 2018 - 2 and 3 years old. The settling process was relatively straightforward - we think this is in part due to them being placed together, which made it easier for them. We kept them in the same room the first few months. As a result, we had a really positive experience adopting with very few issues so far. We think the fact that they are together has made them more resilient. Although having two children is obviously more work, it has some advantages and we think it’s more fun. One of these advantages is that they will not focus solely on you as a parent and demand your attention 24/7, they will also focus and interact with each other which will give you some time to breath throughout the day and focus on some tasks. For you as a parent (if you are a couple) it will also be nice to be able to focus on one child while your partner focuses on the other and vice-versa as you won’t get “fed up” as much. One thing to note is that some kids this age don’t really tend to play together. In our case we had to show and teach our kids how to play with each other. However, there’s also a lot of bickering! :) Other thing to note is that it is easy to underestimate how much more expensive raising two kids actually is. There are also a lot more logistics involved particularly taking them and picking them up from nursery/school.

[Allington]

When looking at matches, do ask questions about the decision to keep siblings together. What assessments have been done on their relationship?

Trauma bonds an be a real issue. While my DDs love each other very much, there have been times when their level of competition with each other - over EVERY BL**DY THING! - was very destructive, and kept them trapped in a dysfunctional relationship. Their brains were wired to a worldview where there would never be enough, of food, love, attention etc etc. So they constantly scanned every situation for signs that the other was getting more.

It was definitely best, long-term, for younger DD when older DD returned to care, horrendous as it was at the time. Not so sure about older DD (but she was so out of control there was little choice).

Four/five years on, their bond is now very positive. I'm not sure if it would have been if they had not had that time apart.

And they still look sideways at each others plate when we sit down to eat to see if the other has more... I have learnt to never dish up all of the food for the first helping, which takes the edge off as there is the potential to have more.