Advice re. lb contact

[MeAndHimAndHer]

I posted recently about ad (5) and got some good advice so I’m back for more, on a different matter.

When ad came home to us at 14 months old, we were aware that her birth father was in prison. Short sentence for a burglary type offence. We have written to him every year through letterbox contact and had a response every year too.
Last month we were informed that he reoffended on leaving prison. A terrible, violent, sexual crime. He was given a life sentence, minimum 13 years.
We are now due to write our annual letter and dh and I cannot agree what to do.
DH does not want to write. Bf is a high risk individual. Dh thinks that ad will be angry that we shared information about her with such a person. He also worries about keeping bf in our lives/ ad’s life as he will potentially be released when ad is 18 and clearly is a dangerous man.
I think we should write. I think it is not our place to cut ad’s bf out of her life. I also think that the criminal justice system has given him his punishment, it is not our role to dole out further punishment by stopping the letters. I also worry that this would encourage ad to create some romanticised version of bf who she is more likely to want to meet/rescue/ understand.
We are at a stalemate. Letters are due this month and we need to make a decision.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

[icelollies]

That’s a tough one. He is replying (we rarely get letterbox back). I think you are right though- it might be an idea to keep the lines of communication open, but perhaps the letters short with less information? I’d write this time, but then reevaluate next year?

[MeAndHimAndHer]

Thank you ice lollies.
I think dh will need some convincing but that sounds like a good compromise to suggest.

[sassygromit]

I don't think you need to consider it is not our role to dole out further punishment by stopping the letters one way or the other, as you only need to consider it from your dc's point of view, but I think that you are absolutely right in other respects for example your dc romanticising - and from her perspective, she won't know how bad the crime was presumably and so she may find it confusing to have a complete cessation and may struggle to not know anything for years to come. I agree with icelollies about now using discretion about what you write.

[sassygromit]

Also the better you understand his situation, the better you will be able to guide your dc as she grows up.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

I've thought about this a lot over night. My gut reaction was that you should continue contact but give much less information, sticking to things that you'd tell a stranger on the street. Most criminals, including sex offenders, have families who will stick by them and this man is a link to other birth family members she might one day wish to trace.

For obvious and understandable reasons you can't go into much detail either around the circumstances that led to your LO being placed for adoption or BF's criminal history. So it's difficult to give definitive advice. On balance I think I would consider contacting post adoption support together as a couple and have them sit down and talk it through with you.


However what I would be doing if I were you is gathering together all the information you can about what's happened both for this case and the burglary. Start by simply typing his name into google and seeing what comes up. You need to have all the information to hand in case she ever wants to know more or Google's it herself and has questions.

[BogStandardMe]

He also worries about keeping bf in our lives/ ad’s life as he will potentially be released when ad is 18 and clearly is a dangerous man.

Hmmmm try not to view it as keeping him in your lives. He isn't in your lives at all, although it feels like he is. He receives a letter a year, imagine how far removed he must feel. He doesn't know his daughter at all.

Whether you write or not, your daughter will be able to access everything when she is 18 anyway. Letterbox won't keep him in or out of your lives, it will simply shut the door from your perspective.

I agree keep writing. Keep it bare minimum and impersonal.

[Italiangreyhound]

agree with sassygromit

"I don't think you need to consider it is not our role to dole out further punishment by stopping the letters one way or the other, as you only need to consider it from your dc's point of view..."

And

BogStandardMe

"...try not to view it as keeping him in your lives. He isn't in your lives at all, although it feels like he is. "

However, my general view is that if one parent doesn't want to do something then both parents should agree not to.

O might try an exercise where you both write the letter you think you can write. Even if his is a blank sheet of paper! Then see if you can find a way ahead.

Would he agree to say dd is well? School is good? Etc.

In principle I agree with you but your dh has a point.

Either way you are not responsible for his lack of relationship with his biological child.

[MeAndHimAndHer]

Thank you.
And thank you ifchocolatewerecelery for thinking about it and replying.
We talked again and although dh is still reluctant he understands why keeping lb going, for now at least, might be a good idea.
We will probably do a short basic info letter. We also write to bf’s grandmother as part of lb agreement so if she is still in touch with bf he’d get an update anyway.
We will contact adoption support team for more advice at some point.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

Someone shared this in a parenting forum and thought it might be useful for you at some point in the future.

www.prisonadvice.org.uk/Pages/Category/for-children

[OVienna]

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle on the event that it provides something your DH might want to reflect on.

I am an adult adoptees and the idea that your DD might be tempted to romanticise this guy's situation is not far fetched. There are many examples on the FB pages focused on reunion that I have been on if people hearing from the BM that the BF was violent, raised her, etc otherwise didn't time in jail but the need to meet and "see for themselves" is too much to rest for many. in some, there seems to be a determination to prove people wrong. These are from closed adoptions. I think having age appropriate information over the course of their lives would have avoided this.

I think the idea of informing yourself as much as you possibly can with the facts is an excellent one and keeping the letterbox contact what you would be happy to say to a stranger is the right plan.

[OVienna]

Sorry "Raped her" and "did time in jail"