Not exactly adoption - but residency of partners child as a baby now aged 4 - is she effectedby it??????

[lillaura123]

hi all im 22 and have three children , two of which are naturally mine, and dd1 who i have had joint residency of with my dh since she was 3months.. the basics of the story is that . when i met dh he told me two weeks into relationship that his ex wasnt pregnant and that she had some mental health issue that have already caused her one child to be taken from her care - he told me of his worries for his baby and i decided to stand by him when baby arrived no matter what happened - baby was born a girl and within 3 months ss decided that her mum wasnt able to look after her after taking yet another overdose while in care of the baby - she was taken into foster care and we started our court battle - by the time she was 3.5 months her foster mother then became ill and ss said they were sure that we were going to win in court for residency and to save db from being moved more than she has to could we take cre of her - so i finished my job and became a stay at home mum to db at the age of 19!! when db was six months old the court decided on a temp residency order in our favour and supervised visits st our house for her mother this was a six month order for her to visit once a week - her mum turnedup only 3 times in 6 months!!! when dd became a year old we all went bk to court and her mother had decided she wanted her bk but the courts went in our favour again as we had been her main carers and her mother had willingly not seen her for over half her life they decided that it was best for dd not to be messed about by her mother illness's. she was aloud postal contact but now dd is aged 4 and she has reciecved nothing .......... ive tried to be honest with her since she could talk told her that she had another mummy and that she was in her tummy not mine and that she wasnt very well so couldnt look after her so she lives with me and daddy - she understands it all very well and if she ever has questions im happy to answer them she has seen photos of her mums family which helps and she is aloud to se them whenever she wants.. but her dad and i have gone on to have ds and dd2 and i cant help but think that it has all effected dd1 she is very emotional, always asks if we r coming bk even if we just nip to shops - and doesnt get on with dd2 and ds - is this the effect of her past - her just her personality ?? was wondering if you guys could help me as i want to do the best for her , i love her so much and dont want anything to upset this little world that we have tried to make for her - all advice welcome and thanks all

[Anna8888]

Can Social Services or your GP not provide you with some counselling/support? You took on a lot of responsibility at a very young age and, going forward, some professional psychological advice for you, your DH and your stepdaughter would be very helpful.

[fawkeoff]

can i just say that i think its fantastic for u to be so selfless and open your heart and home to this little girl.have u tried taking her out for the day (just the 2 of u) and then maybe having a little talk with her about her anxieties?????,i dont have any experience in your situation,and this little girl is as good as ur own so just approach her how u think u would ur own

[lillaura123]

thanks anna didnt think of that im being referred for counsilling myself as ive developed a strange eating disorder after having dd2 so i can bring it up with doc next week when i see her xxxx thanks again anna

[lillaura123]

another great idea fawkeoff, and that wud prob help even eithout the talkin - there hasnt been much one on one time for any of them since dd2 arrived 3 months ago , and hubby working strange and long hours ill get him to have the babies one evening and take her to a hungry horse or something just us xxx

[Anna8888]

You do that - try to bring up everything that's going on in your life when you go for counselling. I've had NHS counselling in the past and it was excellent - and much better to have it linked to the GP, as then, if things get difficult again, you just go back to the GP and ask for some more support. Good luck

I'm a stepmother too, by the way, and the going can get tough at times .

[fawkeoff]

yeah she would probably love that........the new baby might be playing a factor in it.....jealousy is normal in children so she may love that she can have time on her own with you.

[lillaura123]

thanks to both found everyone on mumsnet very helpful and friendly b4 so glad to be back and have you guys help me with this xx

[fawkeoff]

aww no worries i think ur a fantastic woman...cant be easy at all,id there any chance of her mother turning up again??????

[duchesse]

tbh you sound as though you are coping admirably, and a loving mother to this little girl. Many children have separation anxiety at this age anyway, but it may be compounded by her early life experiences. I second what others have said about trying to get counselling in how to deal with separation anxiety if you can get it. Good look, you're doing a fine job.

[lillaura123]

thanks duchesse, fawkeoff - her mother is not allowed physical contact without either our permission or by taking it to court as they said it would cause too much confusion for dd1. but thats not to say she will try she only lives 20 miles away so it is something that plays on my mind to tell you the truth dont think she would recognise us unless dh was with us.......... i do always sit and wonder whether ill bump into her one day. i wouldnt lie to dd1 if it occured but id have to ask her mum to back off without causing a scene - whats the legal age to adopt ????

[Kewcumber]

I don;t think there is a legal age (except 18) to adopt. I would certianly try to adopt her for your own peace of mind. You sound like you are doing an excellent job so far and have done all teh things that adoption courses recommend eg being open and truthful with the child, talking about adoption when they are almost too young to understand it etc

Children don't understand adoption (or not being born in their mummy's tummy) for a while as it is too abstract a concept for them. I suspect she may just be beginning to realise (having presumably seen you pregnant with your otehr 2 DC's) what it means and may be getting concerned with the permanency aspect of it.

You might want to consider starting a life bvook for her and getting her to help - its a good way of getting chilren to talk about whats happened in their life. Googling life book will give you plenty of references (add adoption in if you can't find any). You need to stress to her that she will be with you now forever.

Also get in contact with your local adoption team, tell tehm you are going to adopt her as a step-parent and would like to be on their list for support groups etc. Different councils vary about how much support they give but mine is very good. They may even be able to allocate you a "buddy".

Good luck.

[lillaura123]

oh defenatly want to adopt her as soon as her mum didnt turn up for the visits i decided that - before that i was just mummy laura but when she stopped coming over dh decided that i was to be called mummy

its been something playing on my mind but didnt think the courts would agree as her mum still has parental rights as well as myself and dh but we have parental responsibilty which she doesnt but seeing as its been three years and no attempt of postal contact think they might decide in my favour altho im sure her mum will go against it - but there is never a right time to do it - just scared that if i do it will trigger her mum off to wanting to see her again as she has gone on to have two more babies and is living a stable life now - my concern is that they will not go for me adopting but start visiting rights up for her mum again and dont want to mess dd about too much - its all confusing - thanks for advice on life book we did think about that before but didnt think she was old enough she would understand more now xx