Adopting a family member

[Lollypop85]

My DH and I started the process of kinship care for our niece however we have also been told about possibly adopting her and wonder if we're doing the right thing?

She is now 2 and has been with Foster Carers for over a year now, we found out today that they have applied to adopt her.

Are we doing the right thing by moving forward with our application or is it kinder to let her be adopted by her foster carers?

[jellycatspyjamas]

I don’t understand why the foster carers are moving to adopt her if the plan wax to move her to a kinship care arrangement. I think it would be worth sitting down with the child’s social worker and getting real clarity about your DN current legal status (eg on a supervision order, permanence order etc), what the plan is for her eg long term fostering, adoption by foster carers, kinship care/adoption by you. How far along is your kinship care assessment and what stage are the foster carers at, what’s your current relationship with your DN (do you see her regularly, do you spend time with her, have planned contact etc) and what’s changed that kinship care is being considered now when presumably it wasn’t a possibility when she was removed from her birth parents.

Basically, you need a lot of information and assessment before you can know what the best thing is for your DN.

[Lollypop85]

The issue was we were unaware of the paternity of the child so came forward later than we would have liked.
We are only just beginning visits for her to get to know us.
The Foster Carers have had her all that time and we were only made aware yesterday that they had started the application of adoption. Although I feel she is probably very settled were she is, I also feel we are her family by blood and have raised to wonderful children of our own so can provide the same within our family.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

My instinctive reaction is to let her stay with the FCs, but try to build up a relationship with them so you can have ongoing contact as part of the little girl's extended family.

If you had had a relationship with her up to now I might say different. But I am not convinced that uprooting her again just because you are related to (I presume) the BF is sufficient reason.

But I am sure others will take a different view, it isn't clear cut.

[notstewagain]

It is a judgement call, isn't it, knowing in which family the child will do best long term, at primary age, school age, university or work and as an adult. Really hard. I think you need to get to know the family she is with and the child and make that judgement call.

I also agree with what jellycatspyjamas has said. Did the foster carers take the child as a foster-to-adopt? You need more information there too.

[Yolande7]

I would read up on adoption, trauma and attachment. This child will have suffered major losses and they will most likely have a long lasting effect. Raising her will be different to raising your birth children and you need to be prepared for that and make an informed decision. Have a look at "Preparing for Adoption" by Julia Davis to know what you are signing up for.

However, I would tend towards taking her in. She is part of your family and will feel less rejected in the long run. She will know her roots and she will be part of a shared family history. You and her will have those moments of "you walk like Auntie Mary", " you have Granny's eyes" etc. That is incredibly valuable and help her sense of identity and self worth a lot. You know her parents and will be able to answer her questions. I think no matter how lovely the foster carers are, she will be better off with you. Being in care for a year is not a long time as it takes courts a long time to make decisions. Mine were in care for 2 years before we adopted them.

[Lollypop85]

Thank you all. My main concerns have always been uprooting her again when she's already settled. Like our SW has said she's still young and has shown she can make good attachments there's no reason she can't do that with us.
Yolanda7 thank you, my thoughts are she will have a great relationship with her grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins etc so a sense of belonging.

[clairedelalune]

In addition to the thoughts re uprooting her again, you need to consider also where the bf is in this, and also the bm. If they are not 100% out of the picture would you be able to manage them in the future? While through adoption you would be legal parents forever, as related to bp they presumably know who and where you are; are they of the type of personality where they could decide they want loads of contact suddenly/ want them back, while legally not a concern, day to day wise could be traumatic and hard going for you all and not particularly helpful for your niece longer term? I am presuming that the courts have decided that they shouldn't have any involvement, but only you know the reasons for this and what the future is likely to bring. I would think also about the impact on your other children too. I think there are advantages of both options for the child.

[notstewagain]

@clairedelalune I think there are advantages of both options for the child I think that the points you raise in your post are worthy of consideration and thought, and helpful, but not reasons why the foster option would be better, if that is what you meant? bp feeling differently in the future or causing problems are things which would need to be managed but aren't valid reasons why it would be better to bring up a child in a completely different family. Having bp around can be a positive thing in these situations. But I agree that the points you raise are good things to think ahead about and consider.

[clairedelalune]

No I didn't mean it as a reason for the foster carers, just something as part of the considerations to think about . I know two families where a similar adoption has taken place, one it has worked out beautifully (bps saw child, now adult, every now and again and has great relationship with parents and bm) the other the bps have found it very difficult to accept and have made life very difficult for all involved, coming out of the woodwork and trying to connect with various family members, including the child (for the bps no intention to be malicious but that is how it is perceived, and for the child quite distressing). If ss have said bps to have no physical contact whatsoever, it can be very difficult say for example to manage family gatherings/ celebrations / just general seeing extended family without causung rifts and awkwardness within the larger family circle; in this case those adopting have had to step back from the larger family, which almosts defeats the object of the original exercise. As I said, just a point for consideration, only the op can know how they feel they would manage. I agree that bps around can be very positive (as in the case of my friend) but it depends on so many different factors.

[babba2014]

I would try to adopt her if you can provide her a loving home. She will be around her cousins and know where she comes from. I'm not saying that's a big reason to but from what I know from adoptees. I look at my 2 year old and imagine how he would be in another home and then I think she would be better off at the Foster carers but we are thinking long term here.
For me in any decision I say a prayer to guide me to the right decision for everyone. It:s very difficult.