Is this normal?

[Dover1]

Brief background

I always wanted to be/assumed I would be a mum. As a kid, I was always the one drawn to/spending time with the babies/toddlers. Always at ease with them, used to fantasise about when I was a grown up with my own.

Anyway real life then happened and severe endometriosis robbed me of my fertility. Then followed years of failed (egg donor) IVF culminating in being dumped horrendously (2 days after the last failed result) by a man that turned out to be a different person to who I thought he was.

I have basically been on my own for 6 years now and am the grand old age of 49. Have thought on and off about adoption but never quite felt ready/unsure about it (I should add, I am the world's worst worrier/nightmare about making big decisions). Just over a year ago I just suddenly thought 'just do it, it is now or never, you will love it/be very good at it etc etc.' I went through the process last year and got approved at the end of August for a girl, 3 - 5.

To be brutally honest I have still been very unsure (I think it is such a difficult decision to make on your own, add that to the fact that I have to carry on working full time etc etc). I decided that what would make the final decision for me would be being given a profile that just made me think yes. I have been given such profile this week and as soon as I saw her picture/read her profile I had just had this pull towards her, thought yes I can do this. And this really is your very last chance to be a mother.

And this is the brutal, laid bare honesty but .....I still have waves of doubt thinking 'is it defo what I want,' 'what if I do it and then just regret it (that would be my worst nightmare)' 'what if I can just never bond with her?'

My life is the complete opposite to what I thought it would be/wanted it to be. However, you can't help but get used to the life you have, as you have no choice. So whilst this single life is never what I wanted you do get used to that freedom etc. What if I regret losing that?

I would be really interested to hear if anyone else had these sort of doubts and how it turned out.

As I said, take all this in context as I genuinely am the worlds worst over thinker.

Be brutally honest. If you gut reaction is to tell me I shouldn't do it then do so

xx

[Allgrownup3]

Hi Dover1, It's totally understandable to have the feelings you have. It's the fear of the unknown, if it's not broken don't fix it etc.... No one can advise you either way as it's only a decision that you can make.

As a single parent I had the exact same fears. Do I miss my old life? Sometimes yes I do. Would I change what I have now? No I wouldn't. My life has changed so far for the better. I must say that I have been fortunate to also still be able to work. So that has helped me keep my sanity at times.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

[Dover1]

Thanks Allgrown up, I was hoping to hear from single adopters.

That is really helpful. Good to hear that you still work too.

when I was lot younger and thinking about how my life would pan out etc I used to think ooh won't it be wonderful when I get to give up work to have children etc. But now, even if I had been lucky enough to have children naturally I can genuinely say I would not want to do that. I would want to carry on working in some way. I think it is really important, both for me, and a good example to set a child.

Gosh I wish I wasn't SO bad at making life changing decisions.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, enjoy the rest of your Saturday!

x

[Ted27]

Hi I'm a single adopter, I was 47 when my son came home.

Firstly, doubts, worries, concerns - all totally normal. Its a big life change, I would be more worried if you didnt have a whole load of emotion rattling around.
I think most parents would admit that kids are flipping hard work, especially adoptive children, and that there are occasions when they look back fondly to life before kids. I love it when my son goes to scout camp because I get to play at being young, free and single for a few days. But then I miss him and can't wait for him to come home.
Of course there are things I miss, but my son has brought me so much more than what I 'lost'.
Only you know if your level of doubt is so high that you shouldn't go on, but to doubt is normal
Good luck

[Dover1]

Thanks Ted.

Your words are so reassuring

I was purposefully brutal honest in my post, if people read it and think 'run for the hill's I want them to say that.

The other day someone else said exactly what you have said to me - about being more worried about not have a load of emotions flying about

Thanks for posting. Glad to hear it worked out well for you x

[Ted27]

Yes we are in a good place right now - though its been hard work getting here. He is 14, and a very mature young man in lots of ways, in others he is still a total muppet! He still needs a lot of emotional support and hand holding. I'm very proud of him.

I agree with your thoughts on working, but it can be tough. I work part time three days a week, and have a very flexible employer. School holidays can be hard to manage. I have at times found working very hard and was signed off at one point with stress. I did toy with the idea of increasing hours this year but then the full impact of GCSEs hit and realised its too soon for us, maybe when he is 16.

[Daisiesinavase]

Oh dear, do you think stay at home parents are setting a bad example?

Fwiw, ( I am not an adopter yet) I understand why you are hesitating, but on the other hand, you have lived a child freelife for 49 years :) and it sounds like you want a child in your life now, but are worried about making the final decision. Imagine your life without a child in five years from now, ten, twenty...and with a child (less predictable !). Which do you prefer?

[Hels20]

All the posts above offer good advice. It is such a hard decision.

I think anyone with no children has a concern. I do have a DH - so my experience is different - but I do remember feeling panic when I finally got a BFP from an embryo transfer (though it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy) and wondering “do I really want this”?

I wasn’t sure then about motherhood and even when we were going for adoption - I still had major concerns. Would I prefer my life without children or with? You can’t run parallel lives.

However, I knew I was prepared to take the risk. It was easier having a partner but as long as you have a strong network then I think you will be fine.

I have continued to work - and at times that has done wonders for my sanity.

It is bloody hard at times and occasionally when I have had a particularly hard time with one of my DS’s I have momentarily wondered if I had made the right decision - but I would rather make the wrong decision doing something than not doing something.

[Dover1]

Daisee - no I don't think staying at home sets a bad example. I'm not sure why you have asked that as I didn't say/imply it in my post? If you look back I was talking about ME and what would have been right for ME. It is part of my getting my head around still having to work if I go ahead with this.

That is exactly what I do do actually - look forward. I try to imagine whether, in 5 years time, I would regret it MORE if I didn't go ahead. Thanks for your post, good advice

Hels - you sounds so much like me! Those are exactly the thoughts I have. Can I pry and ask one further question? You say in your last post that you sometimes momentarily wonder if you have made the right decision. How do you feel overall though? Do you much prefer your life now, glad you went ahead with it?

xx

[Hels20]

I am not sure I much prefer my life - they are both totally different. I always thought I would have children. If I had met the right man, I would have had children in my late 20s. I didn’t have that choice - we tried IVF for 4 years and when it didn’t happen I had resolved that actually I quite liked my life as it was - liked the freedom, liked the money, liked my sleep.

Parenting is hard - and parenting an adopted child is so much harder. I had thought DS1 was relatively unscathed by his e periences but 4 years after we adopted him, it all began to unravel - by then I had DS2. I haven’t slept for 5 years (no exaggeration) and trying to navigate schools and try and educate them about attachment issues has been very time consuming.

I love my children very much. And I think we made the right choice to adopt but I am also far more emotionally drained than I ever thought I would be.

If you had asked me 4 years ago - I would have waxed lyrical. This last year has been so tough and I have been on verge of a breakdown (but I can’t have a breakdown or lock the doors and wish it would all go away even though at times I have wanted to). Ask me again in 2 years time - and then I might have a more reasoned answer.

Do not adopt unless you have a very strong network. My best friend has been amazing - and my DH. You need one or two people that you can tell the reality of your situation - warts and all.

My children are different and that has been difficult on a superficial level - when my peers are going on about how darling Pandora did this and Hector did that - and you are just sitting there thinking - I wish my DS could get through the school day without hitting/getting excluded...it’s hard at times.

I don’t regret adopting but I had no idea how hard it would be - and all my worst fears about adoption - thethings I thought to myself -“ I will be fine provided X and Y don’t happen” or “X doesn’t have Y” - all of those have come to be. But I have survived and I realise you just get on with it.

[Dover1]

Thanks Hels - I really appreciate your honesty, that is what I wanted from people.

IT sounds like you are going through a particularly difficult time at the moment, I hope this improves for you.

I have the same worries it sounds like you have. I have always said to my social worked that I'm not in a position to deal with a 'severely' affected child but they are all affected by some form of neglect to some extent aren't they?

There are lots of things that have drawn me to this recent profile. One of them being that she has only ever spent two months with the birth mother (when she was 9 months old) so I was thinking that she hasn't had the opportunity to be exposed to much neglect and won't remember it. But I guess that doesn't mean problems won't arise at a later date?

It is such a difficult decision.

Thank you so much for your post x

[Ted27]

@Dover1 I think the thing you have to get your head around is that we are dealing with complex little characters and that there are no guarantees in adoption world.
Your view of 'severely' affected could be very different from mine. And once your in it, you do just have to get on with it and get the best support you can for your child.
Like many adopters, my life is very up and down, in 6 years we two periods of time where life was very difficult. One lasted about 6 months, the second lasted from about age 10 to 13 but in that time there was a period of therapy during which life get slowly better. Now we are just full on teenage strop.
Another thing is about your expectations of your child and being realistic. I have aspirations for my son but no expectations of how he will achieve them. So for example my son is doing really well at mainstream school, he is doing 5 GSCEs and 2 BTECs. I will be really chuffed if he gets 4 passes. The context - 6 years ago he was in special school working below national curriculum level. To be managing in a mainstream school is a great acheivement for him, 2 or 3 GCSEs are enough to get him a college place. So he will be employable, get a job, live independently. I'm not disappointed that he isnt university bound, thats not for him, but he can achieve on his own terms.
Please also remember that a lot of damage can be caused in utero, effects of drugs and alcohol etc, and there may be conditions that are nothing to do with neglect. My son was severely neglected for several years. There are most certainly some impacts of that on him, but he has autism, he would have it neglected or not.
@Daisiesinavase - I don't think its as simple as saying staying at home is a poor example and working is good.
I do think its good for my son to understand that working is normal, that how you get a nice house, holidays, treats. If I had a partner, he could get that example by one of us working, and the other staying at home but as I'm single there is no choice, its got to be me. He has cottoned on to the reality that because I only work three days, I earn less than if I worked five days. When I've said we can't afford this or that, he has kindly suggested that I work full time. He has had a paper round for a few months, so is also working out for himself that earning money gets you things you want, but you still have to make choices.
Don't forget that many of our children will come from backgrounds where worklessness, low pay, intermittent working is the norm. From what I know of my son's birth mum, she hasnt worked since she had him - not because she is incapable, but because she exists in a world of heavy drinking, drugs, petty crime, occasional prison sentences.
I don't want my son to think that a life spent living on benefits is a good thing. I don't like my job, I do it for the salary and the terms and conditions, my son knows this, but he sees me going there anyway and is old enough to realise why I do it. He's learning that in his own small way with his paper round. It doesnt matter if its howling a gale or raining, if he wants his money, he has to get out of bed and earn it. So he does.

[Hels20]

Dover - in answer to the question in your OP...yes, I think it is normal.

[Dover1]

Hi Ted thanks for your message.

Yes I understand I need to be aware of all the potential 'issues' with any child. Was just saying that this latest profile is the most positive one I have seen to date. Nut I am aware there could be lots of things that haven't even surfaced yet.

I used the phrase 'severely' affected because that is what my SW and me agreed. It sounds like a sweeping statement but we did agree quite a bit that I wasn't in a position to take on (I don't know if you were aware your son was autistic before you took him?)

I couldn't agree more with your thoughts about working, particularly when single. I wasn't in any way implying that either way (working.not working) was 'better' for everyone, just my feelings about what I would want to do

Thanks for posting x

[Ted27]

@Dover1 - yes I did know about the autism and the learning difficulty. He was 7 when he came home, nearly 8. There are other things that came to light later.

Its funny old thing adoption. The only thing I had fixed in my mind was school age because of work/child care. But I was probably thinking 5/6. I think I thought ( !) a boy with ASD was beyond me. But then I saw his profile, did some proper research about ASD and understood how much of a spectrum it is. If you spent a few hours with my son you probably wouldn't think autism, a weekend and you might start to think hmm, a week and you know it. But he is happy, engaging, talkative, has lots of interests - he is in the world and with a lot of planning and prep we have great adventures together. I don't think I could have coped with a non-verbal child, or one with medical conditions.
We all have our own limits. I know single adopters with three children and I just think wow, how do they do it, one's hard enough, but they do.

[jellycatspyjamas]

I think k your feelings are very normal, but not always talked about in pre-adoption circles. When you’ve came to parenthood later and are very used to suiting yourself, used to being independent and have quite a nice lifestyle the idea of changing all of that for the unknown is somewhat daunting. I was 46 when we adopted my two and I’d got used to the idea that it might just not happen for me. I had all the “what the hell am I doing/have I done” feelings - which are hard to talk about when you’ve wanted children since forever, but have had to adjust to possibly not ever having them.

18 months in and my two are very settled, I’ve got used to having two dependent children to factor in to all my plans and I’m much better with the practicalities. I also love, love these little people with all my heart - I had a good life before children, I still have a good life but it, and I, am quantifiably different - in a good way.

[Kewcumber]

Hi Dover1

I'm a single adopter, adpted a 1 year old from Kazakhstan when I was 41 - he's now 13. How did that happen?!

I pretty much took the approach of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "la la la la alalalalalalal, can't hear you" throughout the adoption process pretty much until the last 3 months when I was actually in Kazakhstan so I could ignore the voices in my head.

What kept me going without too much soul searching was the thought - what do I want my life to look like in 10 years? And it ALWAYS included a family.

In fact all the risk factors which were apparent at the time - he was a tiny 26 week premmie with suspected cerebral palsy - turned out to be irrelevant. He's a strapping 13 year old goal keeper above average height for his age.

What has been the case is that I WAY underestimated the effects of institutional care which have had a lasting impression on him. We are currently very lucky as he has a reasonable EHCP budget and a TA who is in maybe half his lessons who he has a lot of respect for and the school has a brilliant SEN manager.

Transition to secondary school was a car crash (and at the same time as my mother was dying with cancer) but we are pretty much through that now and we survived the year 4/5 school shennigans which were also brutal.

He sometimes says to me "DO you wish you'd got someone easier?" and I can honestly say to him "Never, not even for a nano-second have I thought that." Because it's true.

You are right that the profile you've looked at is probably lower risk than many and you can take comfort in that. We all accepted a higher degree of risk by adopting (significantly higher) but to be honest we really have NO IDEA what it's going to be like when the shit hits the fan. Any more than any of us had any idea what being a parent was actually going to be like.

I would agree with Hels that I'm not sure being a parent has made me any happier. Life is just different. I'm a different person than I was before I had DS - having him has changed me and (mostly, I think!) for the better.

I do think I would have spent the last 13 years of my life slightly dissatisfied without DS though, always trying to make the best of not actually being a parent. Parenting him is simultaneously the most rewarding and the most frustrating thing I've ever done.

I think that's turned into a bit of a ramble! Sorry.

[Kewcumber]

Oh and the lack of freedome thing is temporary - at 13 DS is already disappearing to his room to talk online to his mates rather than talk to me and is capable of being left for longer periods. And I can see that this will (obviously) accelerate in the coming years.

There have been occasions when I've chafed a bit at being stick at home with no milk after DS has gne to bed or wanting an adutl night out but it hasn't felt that big a deal for me personally.

[cookiecrumbles14]

Hello, I'm in a similar position to you - I'm currently in Stage 2, potential single adopter with a lovely life. I love my life: I love the freedom I have, the lack of responsibility, that I can do whatever I want whenever I want.

And yet - I'd love to be a parent. I've never particularly wanted birth children and have always felt I'd adopt. I think I always thought I'd adopt with a partner but the partner hasn't materialised! God knows where he is right now! But anyway...

The adoption process is tough. It presents us with the worst case scenarios and pushes us to see how we'd cope. I don't know how I'd cope. But I know I would, because that's what I'd have to do.

But do I want to? Really?

We're taking a jump into the unknown. I think where we're different to birth parents is that we're not expecting a Mini Me. We're expecting something we cannot know or visualise until we have it. We don't know, really, how our lives will change. We don't know, really, if we'll ever love our potential child. Like so many huge life decisions, this is a risk. And we're taking it by ourselves. There's no get out of jail free card if we change our mind (not really).

When I think about it I'd be devastated if I wasn't allowed to adopt. If I lost this chance at being a parent. Devastated. Yes, I have a lovely life but what is the point of a lovely life if I can't share it, if someone else can't benefit from it?

You're not alone in thinking this. In fact, reading your post made me feel better about my fears (and I hope I've helped a bit with yours).

The best advice someone has given me is to think with your heart, not with your head. That's what I'm doing. Head be damned! x