Contact being reduced.

[OurMiracle1106]

After weeks of chasing and various issues, yet again I have received my contact. In the letter they have asked to reduce contact to one per year.

I’m in bits. I’ve done everything right and I feel like I’m being punished because birthfather doesn’t bother and it’s “hard for them to find something to write”.

I don’t know whether I can agree to the reduction but what’s my other option?

[darkriver198868]

I am so sorry OurMiracle. I didn't want to read and run.

I have a feeling there isn't much you can do.

[PoppyStellar]

I’m really sorry to hear this ourmiracle. It seems so unfair. I don’t know what you can do, probably nothing. I really feel for you, and fwiw think the adoptive parents are being quite unreasonable considering you are so committed to letterbox

[OoMatron]

Is it remotely possible that the reason they want to reduce contact is because it is such a massive effort with how crap your letterbox team are? I remember you writing many times about how much of a faff it is getting anything sorted or even getting a letter. Could this pressure have also been the other side for them? Perhaps they need to reduce it to once a year because of that?

[OurMiracle1106]

If it’s because of the local authority why is it I’m being punished? Why do I lose contact? How is that in our sons interests and what makes Them think once a year will make it easier? It won’t. Social worker may have changed multiple times by then (our LA are known to have a high staff turnover) so would be even more difficult.

I guess I can very much make I Known on file I don’t agree with the reduced contact and continue to write twice per year even if that’s then sent at the same Time?

[OoMatron]

To play devils advocate, perhaps it puts pressure on the adoptive parents for weeks at a time and this in turn impacts their child. Rather than assuming they are deliberately punishing you or not thinking of your sons best interests, perhaps it is in the best interests of their family that they just have once a year.

You could ask the reasoning behind it. You could also suggest that if it is one letter then you would home it is perhaps double the length as it covers a whole year? And yes, I think it perfectly reasonable to write twice a year. I would keep the letters and send them both together though rather than trusting your local authority to keep one safe for 6months.

I know this must be extremely hard for you and your letterbox team do seem utter shite. But I think assuming they are punishing you could be off the mark, especially if the quality of their letters (when you receive them!) have been good?

[OoMatron]

Also, and I say this very gently and with kindness, it Is extremely difficult for you for weeks at a time. It affects you very much, all the chasing and waiting and frustration. I hesitate to suggest this, because I don’t think you will like it, but could it possibly be easier for you to have once a year also? I cannot imagine what it must be like to have this burden upon you (chasing letterbox I mean, not writing to your son) twice a year.

No it isn’t fair but it seems no amount of complaining will change your local authority. It is truly dire.

[OoMatron]

Just to add

[OurMiracle1106]

It is a highly stressful time but I feel like that has been because of the local authority. I feel like things aren’t communicated that should be and that i remain unsupported in contact. There has never been any support around contact. It’s been very much write a letter and we will check it before we send it and remove anything we don’t like. No guidance provided.

It is a highly stressful time but my concern is that the issues around the local authority and contact won’t be resolved simply by reducing contact.

I’m also concerned that as the last 3 letters have been delayed due to them not providing it on time that once a year will become once every 18 months/2 years and contact will just stop whether intentional or not.

I also have to consider how our son may feel seeing there is an agreement for twice per year but knowing that after x amount of time I only wrote once a year. Why did my birth Mum only bother with one letter? Could she not be bothered to write twice a year? Also a year is a long time to wait for answers to questions too.

I suppose the bottom line is I can’t enforce contact however I also don’t have to say “ok that’s fine”. I think the full reasoning needs exploring and seeing if there’s a way forwards and If not I want it made very clear on file that I was not in agreement with reducing contact And that it was the decision of my sons parents to do so.

[OoMatron]

I also have to consider how our son may feel seeing there is an agreement for twice per year but knowing that after x amount of time I only wrote once a year. Why did my birth Mum only bother with one letter? Could she not be bothered to write twice a year? Also a year is a long time to wait for answers to questions too

Good points however I will gently suggest that there is no evidence that the adoptive parents won’t explain to him that the contact times have changed. I can’t remember how old he is but it could be he now has an opinion on such things. I’m sure that’s been suggested to you before. There is nothing to say that his parents won’t explain their decisions. We chose once a year contact. We did not want the stress of things being dredged up twice a year. It was our decision and I will happily admit that to our child when she is old enough. Our needs were once a year, which is enough for any child to know their birth parents are still thinking of them and loving them. It does not need to be twice a year for a child to know that you deeply care. I think you are putting too much emphasis on the child’s needs when really it’s your own needs.

This is absolutely understandable. You love him and want to hear about him and check he is ok. You want him to know you care about him. The system is crap and this is in no way your fault! Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of him suffering because he gets one letter instead of two. Don’t torture yourself with feeling that the adoptive parents will let him believe you suddenly stopped writing. You need to somehow make peace with the idea that they have decided this is for the best for their family. It is not what is best for you though and for that all I can send is a virtual hug

[donquixotedelamancha]

Sorry Miracle. I know this isn't what you want.

could it possibly be easier for you to have once a year
I tend to agree with this. I think once a year happening at a consistent time with a little more detail might be easier in the long run.

I also have to consider how our son may feel
As an adoptee, I can't imagine this being an issue. Most adopters don't start really looking at this stuff until much older. There will be a lot of material and fewer, but more detailed letters seems fine. I had no communication, your son is very lucky you are so involved.

Ultimately you have to trust that they are acting in his best interest. They know his needs. All adoptive parents find writing these letters hard.

If you do decide to try to persuade them to reconsider, I'd do it by letter and just be honest about how important this is to you.

Personally I'd send them a letter supporting this and reassuring them; but explain how you worry when letters are late and that you value the contact and the details they give.

[OurMiracle1106]

But my issue is then why can’t the contact agreement be amended to reflect the change in contact? I don’t see that this should be an issue? If my sons parents are wishing for it to be reduced why is it not ok for me to have some kind of document that says this is when contact will take place moving forwards?

My concern is that once it’s reduced it will just stop all together. Our son won’t get answers to his questions or know about any siblings.

I’ve considered that for myself once a year may be easier.

I’ve read studies which shows that frequent, reliable contact is beneficial. I feel that once a year IF it was reliable and on time may we’ll be more beneficial to all parties than twice per year unreliable contact but how do I know once a year will be more reliable?

[OoMatron]

Well you don’t, nobody can predict the future. You have to sometimes just try it and hope. I don’t think anybody has said you can’t put your view forward? But I think ultimately it matter the most to you. It is very likely that it will not be a sticking point for your son.

[Offredalba]

I'm so sorry Ourmiracle. This just seems very unjust after all your sacrifice and cooperation.
For what its worth, I think that you are a superlative mother and with some luck your son will know that one day. He would only need to come to mumsnet to read all your posts here.
Maybe you could save and print them to keep in a diary for him for when he is a suitable age.
Take care and stay strong.

[Italiangreyhound]

So sorry, sweetheart, this is such a shame.

I totally agree with Offredalba

"For what its worth, I think that you are a superlative mother and with some luck your son will know that one day."

Think the idea of saving and printing them to keep in a diary for him for when he is a suitable age is a great idea.

[OurMiracle1106]

I think moving forwards I can’t in good conscience just say “yes, that’s fine”

I’m going to ask for a meeting with the social worker and ask if the current issues they are experiencing can be resolved. If it is the delays or unsure what to write maybe social worker could assist? I myself know how frustrating it is.

If their decision is based on other factors that can’t be remedied then I want in clearly on file that I am not in “agreeance” it is for the best but that I am trusting my sons parents to have made the right decision and moving forwards hope that contact will now become more reliable.

I will also be asking that my concerns are clearly noted on file as well and I will be asking for the agreement to be amended to reflect this.

[donquixotedelamancha]

I will also be asking that my concerns are clearly noted on file as well and I will be asking for the agreement to be amended to reflect this.

I think that's perfectly sensible and should be easily achieved (though may take some time and reminders with how busy SW are).

If they do go ahead with annually, I would still send them a letter reassuring them and saying how much you value contact. The more comfortable they feel about contact (and they obviously don't) the better quality it will be.