Adult adopted - managing relationships with siblings

[Evergreentree]

I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who has a relationship with the siblings they didn’t grow up with. Mine is very difficult and would be really interested to here other people’s experiences.

[MrsMatty]

Yes, this just about sums it up for me too. I was a relinquished baby many decades ago. My birth mother married a few years after I was adopted and she had several children. Her husband and children knew nothing about me until I traced them about 20-odd years ago (though a few other family members knew apparently). When I traced my birth family, my birth mother had previously died, but I was made very welcome by some of my siblings. Others didn’t want to know. All went quite well for a few years but it wasn’t exactly Long Lost Families! I sensed a sort of resentment somehow but could never pin it down. Eventually contact got less and less, and now it’s reduced to Facebook contact with one sibling. I don’t know what went wrong.. there was no argument, no big fall out. But when I think back, I found it very hard to keep up the ‘energy’ within the relationship. I’m sure some of the failing is my fault, some is theirs. But it felt odd, being half-siblings but not sharing an upbringing. We were all very similar, yet so very different! In the end, I suppose it was just too much effort for all of us, and we had our own families, our own things going on that we had to deal with. I wish it could’ve been different but it is what it is. I am glad I know more about my family background though.

[darkriver198868]

My sister was adopted before I was born. We have a semi decent relationship. I grew up knowing about her .

[motortroll]

My husband is in contact with his 3 younger sisters. The eldest of them he has conversations in messenger with and she is his main motivation for getting together with them. He did a reading at her wedding too.

The youngest 2 (all adults) we all get on well with and he loves to see them but not so involved emotionally. I get on really well with his youngest sister so I'm more likely to see her on my own. I guess they're more like cousins than sisters to him. Better than his actual cousin who apparently "forgot" to invite him to their wedding 🙄

[motortroll]

Forgot to say they all grew up knowing about him. He didn't know about them.

[Evergreentree]

MrsMatty long lost families drives me mad I always think just wait till the cameras go people have a few glasses of wine and then start to say what they really think. I have (well had my brother took his own life) two full siblings, another half sibling who also took his own life and another sister who was the result of an affair when he was married to my birth mum and I have never met her. Two of my dcs have exactly the same age difference as my younger (deceased) brother and I and they are a girl and boy and sometimes when I watch them together it makes me think of what I lost and it’s so, so painful. I was adopted alone so have no adopted siblings. My sister and I over 20ish years of an off and on relationship have never had a disagreement so the relationship is very shallow it’s like when you first meet someone if you know what I mean even over all this time the depth has never come. I now find myself in a situation where it’s just all too painful and I have stopped seeing her but it’s really hard and painful. My adopted mum died last year and I think that has made everything worst somehow. Does what I am saying make sense?

[MrsMatty]

Evergreentree I'm so sorry you're having such a sad time. The loss of your mum will make everything feel more acute. It's a funny old business, having siblings we never really get to know. I do know what you mean about the shallowness of the relationship.. it's like it never really progresses. I sometimes think 'What if...?' but to be honest, I don't let it bother me now, so many years have gone by. My adoptive family were lovely, so I was really lucky in that respect. As I said before, I'm glad I know more about my birth family background but on the other hand, I find the more I know, the more questions that raises. I hope you're soon feeling better about things. Take care.