Tantrums are killing me!

[BangPippleGo]

DS(18mo) has hit the terrible two's early. I know it's a normal part of development but I am second guessing every instinct in how to deal with them. They are extremely frequent (pushing about 10 a day for the past week).

I'm currently just letting him get on with it whilst reminding him "I understand you're angry, I'm right here if you need a cuddle". And they are over with pretty quickly and he does always come over for a kiss and a cuddle.

But the frequency is really getting to me and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells not to set him off and I know I can't keep doing that.

Any tips on how to handle them?

[BangPippleGo]

Forgot to add he has been with us for nearly 6mo and apart from a rocky first few weeks he has settled really well. Obviously I understand trauma etc but he's generally very well attached to me.

[brightsunshineatlast]

Have you read up on what to do with an 18month old? Like, what activities they'd find stimulating at that age etc? I only ask as I think it is quite common for parents to suddenly find ourselves in a new developmental age bracket and we haven't had a chance to find out!

Other than that, best advice I could give here is TLC overdrive. Lots of attention from you, activities, talking, walking and playing, and you initiating cuddling.

And bear in mind any other factors you haven't considered yet, such as your dc being poorly (tantrums can indicate low level fever or infections) anything to do with routine, food, getting out enough (at 18mths they often love trips out) and any upheaval at home (at 18months they will pick up on any tension, things moving around, changes etc big time).

[BangPippleGo]

Thank you for the suggestions! I'm vaguely aware of some activities to be doing but I could certainly brush up on some more.

He was ill last week but has recovered, so could be lasting effects from that. His sleeping has changed a bit as well - he has always been an early napper but for a solid two hours, it is now more like an hour and a bit so trying to push his nap back a bit later in the day so he's not doing such a long stretch in the afternoon. He wants to be outside constantly and climbing everything so daily trips to the park at the moment!

I am probably already going hard-core on the affection which is obviously working because he is completely spontaneously affectionate, every time I pick him up he throws his arms around my neck and pulls me in for a cuddle. Going off on a tangent but it's just so lovely as he really wasn't a very physically affectionate boy when he came home! But I'll carry on smothering him in kisses and cuddles and kind words!

[insmithereens]

Sounds like you're doing a great job! We keep healthy snacks on tap & it seems to work - I'm not sure if it's just a distraction or if ours (AS 17 months & AD 3yrs) are hangry all the time but it works. Cucumber, cherry tomatoes, apple slices & grapes are on the go constantly & it's massively reduced the amount of tantrums we were having. Good luck!

[brightsunshineatlast]

In relation to activities, I think it was @rainatnight who recommended the book Penelope Leach's Your Baby and Child (Ages 1 - 5) on one thread and I'd second that book for activities and explanations of what is going in your child's mind at all the stages in that age range.

As for healthy snacks, it has the added benefit of getting your dc used to eating healthy food which sounds great too!!

[Rainatnight]

Ha ha, I feel very chuffed at being quoted! I actually just came on to recommend that book. (Again )

DD, now 2, also hit 'two' at around the same age and we had some tantrums, though they weren't really awful ones, to be honest.

I handle them pretty much in the way that P Leach advised - the big thing I took away is not to let either the tantrum or the possibility of a tantrum change anything. So don't avoid particularly places or stuff because you're afraid it will bring on a tantrum. And don't give into whatever it is they want. And by the same token, of course, don't punish them by, say, not going ahead with a treat (though it doesn't sound like you'd dream of doing this).

I think the idea is that doing any of these things gives them too much power, which is scary for them.

So I slightly wondered about your walking on eggshells remark and whether he might have slightly picked up on your nervousness about it?

The Aha parenting website is also really good on this stuff.

DD is loads better now and in fact became generally more cheerful and much more affectionate (to DP in particular to whom she's had less of an attachment). I did wonder a bit if she had been testing us a little and then relaxed when she could see that we were able to handle it all (which is what Aha parenting would say).

We're obviously not out of the woods yet as she's only just 2 - so I fully expect to go through another few cycles of it all over the next couple of years.

[Beamur]

I found tiredness a big trigger for tantrums.
Another tip is to signpost what is happening next, especially when you're about to do something dull! Like, in 5 minutes we're going to put our shoes on and go the shops, then when we get home we will watch tv/go to the park, etc. Kid at this age are active and inquisitive, so use this - at the shops, 'can you find the carrots for me?' Etc.
I am also not totally averse to low level bribery...my DD wasn't keen on being strapped into her car seat, but a small box of raisins every time made it go more smoothly.
The tantrums do pass. Is your DS good at speaking? Frustration at being understood is often behind the anger too. As children get more language skills they seem to improve too.

[Beamur]

My DD isn't adopted, so I'm talking very generally and I'm aware this is not the case for all kids.

[BangPippleGo]

Thanks all! Lots of really great advice and I will take it all on board he seems more chilled today and is having a later nap than usual so fingers crossed he won't be as overtired tonight.

Me and my friend have been making his Adoption Day cake ahead of celebration hearing tomorrow (eeeeek!) So he's had a great morning playing outside in the garden with his friends!

[tldr]

I don’t suppose he’s tired is he? I’ve been worrying about my 6yo recently, but my current theory is that light nights and mornings mean he’s not sleeping enough...

[Italiangreyhound]

@BangPippleGo you sound like an amazing caring mum.

You've had tons of great advice.

My main bit of advice would be for now to remain clam, model a calmness, even if you later need to go and have a cry or get upset. Getting upset or doubting your own parenting skills in front of your child will make them feel fess safe (not saying you do, just you might, I've lost it with both my kids a lot!). The kids need to know you can cope (even when you feel you cannot!).

If you have a partner, can they take some of the pressure off you, make sure they can help when they are at home. Not think you are the expert in tantrums because you deal with them all day! IYSWIM!

Distraction is a good technique, it does not work well once things are in full swing but can at the start of a 'blow-up', IMHO.

Apparently, asking a simple question, a type of yes or no, or apple juice or orange juice type question, that can focus the brain and help the child.

If they are 18 months they may still be pre-verbal but they may be able to answer a milk drink or juice drink type question and this might be enough to distract them.

[Italiangreyhound]

My ds has had a lot of tantrums but is older. He came to us at 3 and is now 7. After a couple of years his 'tantrums' or melt downs were causing problems so we went back to our local adoption authority and requested post adoption support.

We had something called Theraplay (a special kind of play therapy).

I do not think this is necessarily relevant to you at this moment but if the tantrums do continue then please do seek post adoption support.

I''d also recommend this course familylinks.org.uk/ and this book familylinks.org.uk/shop/the-parenting-puzzle-book