Already have a bc - husband having a wobble before our open evenings

[universe83]

Hi all :)

We have a bc who is 5 in August. Our son was a miracle as we shouldn’t be able to have kids but we did. I then had a hard pregnancy and Labour was difficult with postnatal depression kicking in due to post labour infections and tears. We were at the initial thinking adoption over stage and have two open days coming up.

However, my hubby has said he would love to give a child a stable and loving home but has been thinking and he thinks it would be unfair for the adopted child because he doesn’t think he could ever love them as much as our bc. I am upset but do thank him for his openness. This is now our journey over because I don’t want my husband to live in guilt and I wouldn’t want a ac to come to a home where we both don’t feel the same.

Such a shame but wondering if anyone else’s partner ever had a wobble and came around?

[catintheworld]

I think this is everyone's fear and only your husband can decide if he feels it is right for him. It is the same thing holding me back from taking the final plunge.

Maybe your husband needs a bit more time rather than writing it off completely and can do a bit of research. I also think does it really matter if you don't love the child the same. I don't love anyone in my life the same because they are all different people. I am sure the love would come and even if it doesn't feel as strong as for your BC, does it really matter? So long as you don't let it show.

Another angle would be perhaps, how many families do you know where you get the feeling there is a favourite child? It goes on in non adoption families. If you are aware of this, then you can go into it making an effort to treat the children the same.

[universe83]

Thank you for the input it is much appreciated. I have said all of this and my husband knows this is right but he is such a kind hearted soul it would kill him knowing he didn’t feel the same even if the child never ever knew. I am thankful he is so considerate I really am but I’m hurting a little I guess.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Go along to the open evenings anyway. You have nothing to lose.
They often bring in an adopter or 2 to talk to.
Maybe contact Adoption UK to see if they can put you I contact with other adopters in your local area so your DH can talk to Dads too.

You often see this wrt birth children too. People thinking they could never possibly love a second child as much as the first.

When we adopted, at every stage we said to ourselves, this isn't a commitment yet. You can pull out at any point right the way to matching panel.

[mmmccccccxxx]

I am a foster carer have 3 birth children and 2 long term foster children and one that left for adoption a while ago.

When I gave birth to my first I had this worry I wouldn't love him as much as my daughter when she came along I was so wrong

I then have became a foster carer had a baby and 2 long term children since and I honestly used to think quite ignorantly I wouldn't love these children as much as my birth I was so wrong I was so happy the baby was adopted but went through a grieving period of 6 months when she left and as for the 2 l
Long term children you try and come and mess with them and you will feel my force I love these children and don't feel any guilt as love them like my own x

[Italiangreyhound]

Your husband is over thinking.

Yes he sounds kind and caring but his reticence could end up 'depriving' you of another child, your child of a sibling, and a child of a loving home because of how your husband worries he might feel!

No one knows how they will feel. But how you act is the key thing. Plus to be honest when a new child arrives, by any means, it's hard not to love and care. There is no way to really measure who is cared for it loved more.

Encourage your dh to go to the open evening. He is really over thinking IMHO.

[Italiangreyhound]

There is no way to really measure who is cared for or loved more.

[topcat2014]

I am the DH, and it was principally my idea in our case. We have BD of 11.

I agree with @italiangreyhound

Adoption is the wierdest thing I have ever embarked on (we are at stage 2).

However, bear in mind:

It is quite a long process.
It takes you a long time to get your own head round things.
You don't suddenly walk out of a meeting with a child :).

Follow it along, and see where it takes you.

Whilst it is my idea, I too sometimes wonder how I will feel.

We found watching a TV programme a while back really helped. It was on the charity Coram 'adoption' parties.

There was mixed reception for this programme on MN - however, it was senstively done in my view.

I cried buckets when it announced, over the titles, that one little boy featured had found a new home with a couple shown in the programme.

Try to think of these prospective children as 'real'. which they are.

Try not to just think of them as lists of circumstances.

You have plenty of time - just take things one step at a time.

Why not go to the open evenings. Then you will 'express an interest' which will result in a social worker visiting you for a chat.

During that meeting, you may decided to formally kick off the process.

I will always love my child(ren) but that doesn't mean they are likely to never annoy me..

[bridensausage]

I don't think it is overthinking at all.

I am not sure it would be possible to over think such an issue!

I think that it is really important not to minimise either of your feelings on the subject. I think continuing to talk it through with you and possibly also with a counsellor might help and it may be that as others have said, the feelings will not prevent your dh from investigating with you, and that will clarify things over time for him?

[Italiangreyhound]

@bridensausage do you have kids, plural? If so when you had number 2, by whatever means, did it cross your mind you might not love them as much as the first? And Did it cross your partner's mind?

I think a lot of people do think about, it's normal. But how much one loves a child is very hard to quantify, or is it qualify?

There are lots of things to think about in parenting and, of course, if the OP's dh really doesn't think he can care fit another child and love them, then of course they cannot do this as a couple.

But I find the idea you might not love one as much as another to be an odd thing to be hung up upon. Because, how can one know?

I don't mean to minimise the OP's husband's position, but I think it is selfish.

One thing that persuaded me I could love a child not born of me was the fact I loved our pet hamster! Not even the same species!

Clearly no one should adopt soley beceacise they love their pet! But I also think no one should walk away, before an open day, because of fears of not loving as much as an existing child.

Because I feel sure that fear is natural to those who have birth children and I can't imagine anyone stopping at one birth child because of fears about future feelings.

Future abilities, like being able to care and provide, yes, of course, but feelings, it feels like a bit of a cop out.

OP maybe he really does feel one is enough and doesn't want more?

If you found out you were pregnant tomorrow, would he have the same fears?

Good luck.

[DashOfMagic]

Hi OP I agree as others have said go to the open evening and/or look for other ways to talk to other adopters. The information at the open evening wasn’t anything new but we found meeting the Adopter was a great experience, very positive and reassuring that their family was real and full of love, and meeting other adopters since has reinforced this over and over. From meeting others along the way I believe your DHs wobble is very common and something he may be able to be reassured about quite readily by others who have been through it. If of course afterwards he does not feel reassured and has the same concerns then you can rethink, but finding out more at this stage is worth it I think before closing the door completely.

[Italiangreyhound]

It's quantify - means to find or calculate the quantity or amount of (something).

[donquixotedelamancha]

he doesn’t think he could ever love them as much as our bc

Is he a good dad? Then he's wrong. Entirely normal thing to worry about. I think blokes (or perhaps just me) sometimes find it quite hard to examine our feelings on an issue until it actually becomes real.

Encourage him to proceed an work things through, but keep an eye out for further wobbles. There is nothing wrong with taking a pause and working through some stuff in the middle of the process. Don't get to matching if you both aren't sure.

It's quantify - means to find or calculate the quantity or amount of (something).

It can be qualify- if you are not making a numerical measurement then 'to qualify' something (meaning to measure/judge) is a perfectly cromulent (if rare) way of expressing it.

[DashOfMagic]

Oooh cromulent is a lovely word

Best wishes to you OP and good luck if you do attend the open evening

[topcat2014]

I find, as we work through the whole process, things become a little more real and a little less admin based.

At the start, it's lots of forms -
Then you move onto some reading.
Then you move onto the odd training day.

It is only now, at the start of stage 2, with a panel date planned, that I am starting to really visualise actual living children who are waiting for a placement.

I find that does help with how you feel.