I really need some help right now. I adopted two half siblings with my ex husband (9 and a half and 8 and a half years ago) they are now 12 and 10.
Our marriage ended 6 years ago, because of his appalling behaviour towards them, and his refusal to change.
It hasn’t been easy, both DDs are very complex and he still is not able to be emotionally attuned to them, but I need my break to recharge every other weekend.
They haven’t been keen to go to his recently (he lives with his fiancée, they have been together for five years and they are getting married soon) and I feel very guilty when they go.
He used to have them for five nights every fortnight, then a couple of years ago he unilaterally reduced it by 40% to three nights (he lied about working away for six months as his “reason”)
A couple of months ago my oldest DD made an allegation against him. I don’t know how much truth there was in it, she has severe MH issues and struggles with separating reality and fantasy and has made false allegations before. However, I’ve also had to report stuff that’s gone on during contact to SS myself (hitting her around the head etc - which he admitted but said it was “only a tap”) but SS didn’t investigate, she still wanted to see him and contact continued.
He wasn’t allowed to see them during the weekend immediately following the allegation, but SS decided on the monday not to investigate.
He then declared (to PAS, not me 🤔) that he was “suspending contact” with the girls and has only seen them for a couple of hours on a couple of occasions since February. Apparently he’s going to review it after three months.
He seems very afraid that DD12 is going to make further allegations against him which could affect his job, he claims that the whole wider family are terrified of her making allegations against them. He is also very afraid of her having a “melt down” which she did on two consecutive nights over the Christmas holidays when she was in his care (he nearly called an ambulance as she was threatening to self harm and hurt her sister)
He has now decided that the girls can only attend his wedding for three hours, for the service and the photos. I’ve tried to explain that his fears of a meltdown or an allegation are not very realistic (she’s been to the wedding of a distant family member with me recently - where she knew much fewer people- without incident) and that if he’s trying to rebuild his relationship with the girls it’s really important that they don’t feel excluded from part of his wedding, especially the most fun part.
I’m really struggling with his rejection of them. I feel heartbroken and raging on their behalf.
Last night he took them out for tea for less than two hours and during that time his fiancée told DD12 that her top didn’t match her trousers (DD12 had pointed out her new clothes) I’m really upset by it all. Part of me doesn’t believe that they want to “rebuild the relationship” and a larger part of me feels hugely protective to my DDs.
I’m finding it really hard to function today. I’m exhausted, and so angry and upset for my DDs
ExH has messaged me saying that he wants a chat and I am too angry to talk to him (it might be because I told the CMS yesterday that he wasn’t having overnight contact)
He also wants a meeting with PAS and me, I’m not even sure why, but I can’t bear the thought of being in any meeting with him.
Im not sure why I’m posting, I think I’m just really struggling and need to vent
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22 replies
youaremyrain · 10/04/2018 19:28
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