Birth mum had another baby

[Twinky27]

We're having a rough time at the moment - birth mum has had another baby and we put ourselves forward. SS have decided to place with a cousin, supported by birth gran within the birth family and we're devastated. Not for us, but for our three kids. It feels wrong on so many levels. We can't tell them they have a sibling because of where its been placed. And when we do tell them, they're going to wonder why the cousin didn't step forward for them.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

[thomassmuggit]

Sorry you're having a rough time.

Was this cousin too young to take on 3 children? Maybe losing your three hurt the family so much, they got things together enough for this baby? Framing it that the family were so sad to lose them, but they couldn't care for them, but that they worked really really hard, and could only do this now, and over time, so the cousin could keep this baby?

Why can't you tell them they have a sibling? Or maybe not a sibling, but that BM has had another baby, and that baby is being looked after by x, who couldn't look after you, but is now older/got their act together/couldn't bear to lose another?

They are going to wonder why cousin and gran didn't do the same for them, but you can't change that cousin and gran didn't, and it's not their fault cousin and gran didn't, but they didn't. And they may feel hurt, and angry, and sad, or ambivalent, about that, but they should be allowed to feel that, and deal with it, in the supportive loving setting you provide. I don't think you can keep either the news of the baby, or where the baby lives, from them, I think it's best not to keep secrets, and feel what needs to be felt.

Hard on you, though, so look after yourself.

[bostonkremekrazy]

Twinky so sorry you are hurting.
We have been in a similar position - we have adopted siblings, but there are others who are placed with birth family.
Several years on we manage to have letterbox contact with the siblings. We share letters and photos. We do this for the children so there are no 'surprises' when they all turn 18 and can access their ss files etc.
I try to answer questions honestly, acknowledge the pain of 'why didnt they keep me' etc....but really build on the positive of having relationships between siblings.
I am also on the other side of this as I care for a family baby under an SGO. I think maybe his siblings adopters wonder why he was not given a placement order and placed with them...but he has remained in his family and is able to have contact with his mum & dad if he remains with us. I think the judge was right to decide this for him.

Could you ask SS for support in talking to your children and updating their lifestory work? They may surprise you in how they handle the news....but in my experience how you present it to them will be really important.
Look after yourself, being sad at this news is really normal right now 💐

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We recently heard that birth mum has had a baby and is currently keeping it, (ongoing assessment to determine future).
Very hard to think that just 2 years ago DD was taken because she could not provide stability but she has potentially pulled it together for this baby so soon after.
I am going with the stance that it hurt so much to lose DD that got her act together. That's what I will be saying to DD although I do worry about how it will effect her.

[Italiangreyhound]

Very tough for all the kids and parents. Totally agree that age appropriate honesty is best.

[OurMiracle1106]

Hi OP I am a birth Mum. Is it possible that your children’s birth Mum has made a lot of changes but still has issues to resolve so child has been placed with cousin until birth Mum is able to look after them?

I feel I would now be able to be a good parent (not perfect but none are) but I would like do a parenting course.

Also it is always preferred that a child stays within the birth family where possible. Also it may be that the fathers family has stepped forwards rather than the mothers- so if it’s a different dad it provides different options

I don’t know if this helps at all. I do feel for you. Have you considered letterbox?

As a birth parent I am very split on having another child. Part of me worries about how to explain to my birth son how/why mummy couldn’t look after him but could a subsequent child but the other side is that if I don’t he may feel sad and guilty that because I couldn’t look after him 5/10 years before I never had another child.

It’s a minefield of emotions. Ask social services for counselling if needed not just for your children but for you too

[Lizzie48]

I do get what you're going through, @Twinky27 it's very hard. My 2 DDs are birth siblings, and they have an older half sister and younger full birth DB. We asked about adopting the younger DB, but it was decided that we shouldn't because our DD1 was having attachment issues, which is still the case now. And actually my DH was never fully on board anyway, it turns out.

Anyway, he's been adopted by a family not far from us. Initially they were happy for direct contact, but then backed off, only wanting annual contact. Then when we asked if we could arrange it they said they didn't want contact at all, only letterbox. It was devastating.

We are hoping to have direct contact with the older half sister, her adoptive mum has agreed, but I'm not getting my hopes up this time.

In your case, it's hard as contact can't happen directly. And yes, it will be hard to explain to your DCs. I second the suggestion to ask for help from SS with updating the life story book.