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DM&DF a little concerned

(10 Posts)
topcat2014 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:32:30

My DP's, who have known about our plans for a couple of months I suppose, are (gently) raising some concerns with me about whether I really want to go ahead with adoption.

I can see where they are coming from, and it is fair enough that they are prioritising my real and existing 11y/o over some hypothetical future other child.

I don't want to not have to discuss our plans, but, on the other hand, I am still going ahead.

Love parents unconditionally, but it is fair to say I don't have much history of doing things of which they do not approve.

Was far too much of a straight laced child looking back smile

We chatted for a little while further, and then we talked about something else.

Has anyone else had similar?

This would be GC number 9, btw. (spread over the four siblings)

Rainatnight Sun 11-Feb-18 18:56:04

Yep. We don't have birth DCs, so different from that point of view, but my parents' reaction was completely underwhelming. Told me we were very 'brave' and taking on a big challenge and all that. Told DP we'd get a really difficult kid who wouldn't do well in school (cos that's obviously all that matters angry).

I just smiled and nodded. We ploughed on regardless, of course. They are now beyond besotted with our DD (who is amazing).

I guess something for you to consider is what are you looking for from your parents? Is it approval? You can still talk about your plans without their approval or blessing.

And the trouble with looking for their approval is that you might never get it...

Monkeybrains2017 Sun 11-Feb-18 20:11:13

Our experience totally echoes @Rainatnight and now all is well. As a same sex lesbian couple we were asked why we hadn’t explored sperm donation many many times!

thomassmuggit Sun 11-Feb-18 20:24:05

I think all of us with BC have well intentioned relatives concerned about how a 'cuckoo' could affect them. Lots of us have proved them wrong.

But why are your DPs concerned in particular? If I recall, your DD didn't take the news well, and it's not that long since you stopped TTC? There are concerns that are common, but can be worked through, and our experiences with reassuring grandparents may help. And then there are specific concerns your family may have, which our experiences won't help so much with, iyswim?

How is your DD feeling about it all now?

Rainatnight Sun 11-Feb-18 21:27:02

Snap, Monkey. My mum had hinted several times she wanted me to go down that route.

tictoc76 Sun 11-Feb-18 22:41:53

My parents didn’t get excited about our first adoption and I was pretty offended by it - I did later discover though it was because they thought we were getting way too invested in something that was not going to happen. They saw all the loops we had to jump through and were so worried and their way of managing that was to show nothing - no excitement! As soon as it happened though they were very excited and love all our kids as much as the other grandchildren -in fact I always felt my dad had a soft spot for our adopted children because of what they had lost before they came to us.

topcat2014 Mon 12-Feb-18 07:02:59

DD is getting more used to the idea - I bought some books aimed at BC, which she is reading.

Mind you 11 y/o's tend to great most things with a shrug - I take that as a good sign.

I think DPs will come round - I can tell they are being diplomatic, and have been careful to say nothing that cannot be unsaid.

It is, after all, a big journey for us all - and of course it is the non standard route - no regular scan pictures, magazine articles etc.

Italiangreyhound Tue 13-Feb-18 19:20:03

Our birth dd was 9 when ds (then 3, now 7) arrived.

Vague unease from relatives but they knew enough after 6 years if fertility treatment to know we were determined.

It has worked out well.

topcat2014 Wed 14-Feb-18 19:29:23

@italiangreyhound - that's great news.

Italiangreyhound Thu 15-Feb-18 12:18:25


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