So this has raised the old blood pressure this morning

[fatberg]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/10/my-sister-is-a-harsh-and-controlling-mother-with-one-of-her-adopted-children?CMP=fb_gu

I haven’t commented because I’m not out on FB about adoption (it was in my fb feed) but I don’t think there’s a single word that acknowledges our children are different.

[fatberg]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/10/my-sister-is-a-harsh-and-controlling-mother-with-one-of-her-adopted-children?CMP=fb_gu

[Battleax]

but I don’t think there’s a single word that acknowledges our children are different

Have you read the response and not just the letter?

[fatberg]

I have read the response. And more foolishly the comments...

There’s one line acknowledging ‘attachment’. Nothing that says what this looks like or how it manifests. Spends more words wondering about IVF...

[Battleax]

You read BTL on the Guardian!? Are you quite mad? Readers input is uniformly bonkers over there. Ignore it

[mamoosh]

I thought the letter and response were ok, bearing in mind neither party know that much about adoption. Never read the comments! I heard one of the Guardian columnists refer to commenters as Keyboard Bandits.

[fatberg]

I dunno, maybe I just want a bigger ‘superhero’ badge for recognising my extraordinary parenting every day. 😉

[brightsunshineatlast]

Here is your chance to put the response to rights, then, what would you have written about attachment?

[fatberg]

I would have written that our children often need firm boundaries, can’t handle excitement, choices or new things, need to control absolutely everything and may have emotional ages well below their chronological age.

And that we often have to parent them therapeutically, which means we can’t rely on traditional parenting techniques or advice.

We often do all this whilst dealing with frequent meltdowns, tantrums and violence or walking on eggshells to avoid those things.

We are often judged for this by teachers, classmates’ parents, extended family and others who know us who think our parenting is the cause of our children’s behaviour, not a response to their needs.

We often do all this without much of a support network because our children can’t handle play dates, we can’t maintain adult friendships because we can’t use babysitters and because we’ve chosen, to protect our children’s privacy, not to share their background/status. I’d add the professionals who are supposed to help us often know less than we do and say things like ‘children are resilient’ or ‘but he won’t remember’.

And then I’d add that unless you know what you’re talking about you should limit your interference to asking me if everything’s alright/handing me wine/giving me a hug.

And that’s on a good day. God only knows what I’d write on a shit one.

[brightsunshineatlast]

But that is to do with your life and I am guessing this wasn't written about you?! How would that help the sister who thinks that her sister is being too controlling and borderline cruel?

[brightsunshineatlast]

I just read your post again and may have missed your point, you were saying that the sister misunderstood the situation?

[fatberg]

I’m thinking that the letter-writer probably has no clue about the reality of the situation.

And I was disappointed that it wasn’t even suggested as a possibility in the response.

Thirty seconds googling should turn up ample material to at least put it out there as a possibility.

[brightsunshineatlast]

The letter is redacted so it is difficult to know, but from what has been described the child is extremely unhappy and not getting their needs met so the advice to intervene in stages sounds sensible.

Your post on attachment took me by surprise as it sounds like a different situation from the letter. But it is stressful when we wonder how others see our parenting, when we know we are dealing with a difficult situation.

[fatberg]

You’re right, the letter’s redacted, so we don’t know. But I’m certain that trauma which predates the adoption is a more likely contributory factor to the unhappiness than losses relating to IVF, for example...

[CertainHalfDesertedStreets]

Here's your badge fatberg

I'm not reading the article because my fitbit says my blood pressure is fairly good at and the self appointed experts at the Grauniad seldom help with that.

Was it annalisa?

[fatberg]

Yes. ‘Problem solved’ my arse. 😀

[crispandcheesesandwichplease]

Totally agree with you fatberg. That letter could've been written by any number of my family when my AD was younger. Not a clue did people have about her trauma, needs, inability to cope with a lot of stimulation. Her need for very firm boundaries with no wiggle room, her lack of impulse control.

People can be hugely judgemental. And that kind of attitude can be crushing when you are doing battle each and every day.