Wasn't really sure if this was the right place to post as I'm not an adopter but couldn't find anything else on therapeutic parenting.
I have 3 DC (birth children) they're 3, 4 and 5. Had an abusive childhood myself, just come out of an abusive marriage. My poor babies have seen it all - domestic violence, drugs and alcohol, police coming out to house. I know it's been traumatic for them, I feel awful. But I'm finally out of this hell and starting to try and make changes. I've been reading up on therapeutic parenting and want some advice on how to put it into practice. A list of do's and don'ts or something. I just need to be told what to do because I have no inner resources or knowledge or supportive family to help me. My DC show signs of ADHD/Asperger's but actually from the reading I've done it's more likely to be an attachment disorder. It's really fecking hard, knowing that I'm the one who has caused all of this by not getting them out sooner and now also having to be the one to fix it. But I will fix it. I love them so much.
If anyone out there can help me I would love your support!
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
Therapeutic parenting for dummies please
NCyetagain · 28/06/2017 23:06
Ugh, where to start? First, well done on getting out. 
The long and the short of it is you need to parent your children the way they need to be parented, rather than how other kids are parented/supernanny tells you to/you were parented. That means being (or becoming) attuned to their needs and working with that.
Working out what their actual needs are is the hard part.
So, for example, if your 5yo finds it difficult to make decisions (when getting dressed or choosing breakfast or whatever) remove the need for him to have to make them. If they have problems with transitions (from home to school or vice versa) find a way to support them with those.
It may mean finding ways to make them feel safe/secure, helping them to learn that you can be depended on/that they should depend on you (and not try to be overly independent etc).
For many DC it'll mean they're on a shorter leash than most other kids (keeping them close, keeping their world small and predictable). You'll probably want to find some ways of managing their behaviour that doesn't involve sending to rooms or time outs or anything similar.
And then it's a constant quest to figure out what's going on in their heads so you can address it without them ever knowing.
So much depends on what you're dealing with and trying to achieve. There's lots of resources out there. Try googling for attachment parenting, maybe instinctive parenting too. All the books I know arevaboutbadoption so I'm not sure how much use they'd be.
It's such a huge question, I don't know if that's any use at all. Hope so. Good luck.
Huge well done on getting out and for your strength and resolve to make things better for them. You blame yourself a lot in your post - please remember that your abuser caused all of this. You did what you could and did find the strength to leave.
There are people here who can advise you about therapeutic parenting, but I think there's a question about whether you can access any support in real life. You're - admirably - tacking something huge but you might need some specialist support in how to support your children.
There are specialist charities who do this. Do you have an IDVA? Or a MARAC? If so, they should be able to signpost or refer you and your children to support.
Well done you - very admirable that first you have taken yourself out of an abusive situation, and secondly that you are wanting to get that cycle broken for your little ones.
As the posts above have said - it's a huge question. tldr has given some great starting points but there are no easy do's and don'ts unfortunately. You need to find out what works for you and them but ultimately you need to build up trust with the children. They need to trust that they are going to be safe now.
Something to keep in mind is PACE.
P - playfulness
A - acceptance
C - curiousity
E - empathy
ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/
This could be a good place to start?
You have not caused this, and you are clearly doing what you can to move on. Hats off to you.
I have no patience or serenity at all, but I manage. It's still 'just parenting', it's just a different kind of parenting.
Someone else said it too, see if you can find some real life support. That'll make the world of difference.
So, you already know that they find transitions / changes hard (going into school, going to bed) - that's useful info, and not at all unusual. Depending on your children's ages, you can get them involved in planning how you'll make those times easier (and I would definitely get school involved to help you with that one - if the playground is too chaotic, can they go straight to class/go in 5min later/be met by a TA to help them settle?). They may be scared of being without you, at school and at bedtime, so everything you do to reassure them could help - something of yours to "keep safe" for you (low value in case of loss!)? Something that smells of you in their bed, like a worn t-shirt?
A huge part of you helping them is just done through being there - not doing anything magic or having massive treats, just being with them noticing them and finding small stuff to praise if you can "that was so helpful when you came right away, thank you for that".
You can absolutely do this, but remember self-care - you're recovering too, so go gently on yourself and don't feel you have to do it all at once, or all by yourself
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