need advice on how to explain 'step parent' adoption to ds pleeease???

[frazzledfairy]

we have started the process of dp adopting ds1, ds's birth father has given his consent and all is going well however dp and i need to explain the process to ds, he is 6 and was 4 when we met dp so understands he wasn't around when he was a baby etc. he calls dp daddy and loves him to bits bless him! ds has never met his birth father, our solicitor has contacted him and he has agreed to co-operate and also voluntarily provided his address should ds ever want to get in contact.

sooooo.... help please in explaining the meaning of adoption to ds, how to explain his birth father did a runner(!) and do we tell ds that his birth father is (presumably) willing to make contact?

thanks in advance

[auntymandy]

If he knows DP isnt his 'proper' daddy thats a good place to start. and just tell him Dp wants to become his proper daddy.
I dont think you need to go into too much detail to start with. He will probably bombard you with questions in time. Be prepared and answer as honestly and openly as you can.

[KristinaM]

I would explain that there are different parts to being a parent. The biological part ( providing the sperm or egg or growing the baby) , the parenting bit ( caring for the child every day and teh legal part. In soem familes the same dad does all three. In others, its different people.

You need to explain the role of a biological father - kind of depends how much your DS knows about sex and what kind of relationship you had with his bio father.Exaplain how we inherit things from our bio parenst

Your DS already know how his dad is his dad - he cares for him, provides for him etc etc. but because you werent married / together when your Ds was born, you have to go to court to change the paperwork so his dad is legally recognised as his father

no offence to auntymandy, but I woudl NEVER NEVER use teh phrase "proper" or "real daddy". his dad has been his dad for 4 years and is NOT unproper or unreal.

a piece of paper will make no difference to their relaionship or how much he loves him. Its just a legal safeguard in teh event of soemthing bad happening (like bereavement) , which you dont want to worry a 6yo with.

[frumpygrumpy]

How about something like.......

..... your dp is his daddy but that to make a baby takes 2 eggs (one from a man, one from a lady) and that the 2 eggs that made your ds came from mummy and the man you thought was going to be his daddy.

That man ended up not being his daddy because he wasn't ready to be a daddy. Now you need the bit of paper that shows everyone DP really is the daddy.

[frumpygrumpy]

There is a lovely Janet and Alan Alhberg book called "Bye Bye Baby". It is maybe a little young for your ds but its great for showing the happy side of children finding a parent. I don't think it was written for the purpose of adoption but it is in the right vein.

[Lizzer]

Really feel for you frazzledfairy, its something that has been talked about with my dp, soon to be husnband, he's the only dad dd has known, yet now at 7 she's become obsessed with her 'real' dad, who has voluntarily had nothing to do with her since she was 6 months old (ie did a runner!). She does see his family however.

Dp really wants to adopt her, especially once we're married...Its such a tough one isn't it, I've told dd that when we get married then she will be dp's daughter (which she really likes the idea of) but then when i talk about adoption she thinks she'll never meet her biodad and that makes her sad. She had a pic of him and kept showing my dp and saying 'that's my real dad' - he was very patient but it hurt him so much. I know it sounds awful but I've put the picture away for now (she hasn't realised.) ARGH! Sorry for hijacking your thread fraz, but its making me so upset...I think the older they get the more confusing it is for them and how do you explain that someone 'wasn't ready' to have them or whatever the reason for the runner was? It all adds up to rejection and they'll work it out for themselves. I get sick to the back teeth of explaining how her biodad 'loves her deep down'. You want to say 'he doesn't care about anyone but himself!'

I think its brilliant that your ds's dad has given consent (we still need to sort that on out) Can I ask, did you need to get in touch at all with your ex or did your solicitor do it all?

[prufrock]

I was/m an adopted stepchild, though in my case my bio mum died. I was never actualy told that my stepmum had adopted me and when I found out (as a teenager whilst searchingfor birth certificate) I was eally upset,especialy at the fact that my Dad had "disowned" me so that he and stepmum could adopt me jointly (not sure if that still has to happen nowadays). But after I'd been in a foul mood for a few weeks I eventually admitted why to my parents and they reassured me that it wasn't because Dad didn't want me! They explained it to me as it not realy changing anything, but something that had to be done so that everyone else recognised what we already had. And that it meant that my mum and dad both loved me as much as each other, and that it meant that if anything happened to my Dad, my Mum would still be allowed to be my real mum.

[prufrock]

And wrt contact, just make sure your ds knows that you have his bio fathers details so that if he ever has any questions he is able to ask them. you have to tread a very fine line between not constantly bringing the subject up and thereefore possibly undermining dp's role, and being opne enough that when he does have questions (which he inevitably will) he is comfortable with asking them and doesn't feel (as I did) that it would be disloyal to his real dad to want to know about his bio dad

[frazzledfairy]

Hi prufrock, have just found out today that yes that does still have to happen, am gutted tbh cos i thought ds would get a 'normal' birth cert with mine and dh's names on. i don't like the idea of there being no paper evidence that i am ds1's birth mumu, in fact it has made question the whole thing, am going to start another thread i think and see if anyone has done this.

Lizzer, i contacted ds1's birth father (by post) but am sure your solicitor would do it for you

[KristinaM]

you can still keep his original birth certif but his name would be the original one