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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Explaining last name

15 replies

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 21/01/2017 21:16

Ok. Our DC have been with us for around 2 weeks. They both start school PT next week.
Our SW pointed out that we need to explain about last names, as at school they will be known as X & Y CrazyCat and this may cause confusion.
I'm not very good at words and stuff. Any ideas for ways to explain or activities to aid understanding?
They are both 4 but operate at around 2 and 3 (on a good day).

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smilingsarahb · 21/01/2017 21:25

Are they aware of their current surname. .I only ask as I work in admin at a school and do all the first aid and lot of the 4 year olds aren't familiar with their surnames as they hardly get used, so if yours are operating at 2 and 3 you might not need explain you were this and now you are this iyswim. Perhaps draw a nice picture of all of you in the new family unit and then name each person in it or make play do models of everyone and say we are the crazy cats this is mummy crazy cat, y crazy cat and so on.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 21/01/2017 21:34

Not sure how aware of current surname they are tbh! I know FC used to call them by full name when they were naughty...

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Hels20 · 21/01/2017 22:09

I agree with Smiling. And why does the school have to use their last name, unless their first names are very common and there is more than one of them in the class. I don't think my DS (who is in Yr 1) knows any child's surname apart from 2 of the children. Maybe ask school whether referring to them by their full name can be avoided for first term or so - or even longer.

Good luck. School is daunting.

Kr1stina · 21/01/2017 22:43

Can't you postpone them starting school until the summer and give them a chance to settle into their new family without adding school on top ?

I realise you are not asking about school start dates but thought I'd just mention it.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 22/01/2017 08:38

Kr1stina - Much as I would love to keep them off, DH is back at work next week and I need my sanity. They both need lots of 121 attention, so DS is going to school only in the morning, and DD is at nursery only in the afternoon. The rest of the school day they will have me to themselves on their own.
I think Hels has a point too, I can ask about not saying last name too much.

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sweetchilli77 · 22/01/2017 10:33

Please don't think I'm being a judgie person and I'm really coming from good place when i say this but i really feel they need more time at home to adjust, not just to the name but with everything.

They are only 2 weeks post placement is what i believe from your post? Even the most straight forward of children i would say need more time at home. I just wonder if the pressure from a new school plus new home environment will add more to your much needed sanity?

tldr · 22/01/2017 14:05

We (with similar ages) made a big song and dance about how you all get a new name to show you're part of a family. We didn't mention that they'd no longer be Old Name. And luckily I took DHs name when we married. Not sure what we might have done otherwise.

Our eldest started preschool about 8 weeks after placement, so that our youngest could have 121 time in morning (and eldest got it in afternoon whilst youngest napped). I don't know how we'd have coped otherwise. That said, make sure school is as gentle as possible and understands just exactly how traumatised your DC will be. And three weeks in really does seem early. Could you possibly delay til half term at least?

bostonkremekrazy · 22/01/2017 16:05

At school our were simply known as first name (legally they cannot be your name and our school wouldnt budge so stuck to first name only....) kids didnt notice at all.
I have to join with the voices saying its too early....please reconsider! I know you need sanity, but in terms of attachment and trauma it may set them back and you may find behaviourally you are worse off anyways. Even waiting till feb half term would help.
At the mo they need your undivided attention....i'm sorry thats hard to hear but they really do.

conserveisposhforjam · 22/01/2017 18:01

I agree with pps - way too early. Sorry. They will still be hugely traumatised by the move. Even if you stuck them in front of the TV for longish periods to retain your sanity it would be better than another move, another setting to get used to, more people to meet - they need time to heal.

How else might you stay sane? What's your support network like?

Alljamissweet · 22/01/2017 19:16

The surname shouldn't be an issue at all.
I too would say keep them with you for as long as you can, I think you will reap the benefits in the long run. Its bloody hard work (get a cleaner) expect to get absolutely nothing done but it will worthwhile in the end.
Good luck.

Kr1stina · 24/01/2017 12:40

Crazy - what are your thoughts about what people have advised you? .

I'd urge you reconsider sending them to school . If I were you I'd be keeping them at home for the next year and sending them in January 2018. Or maybe part time In September at a push.

I know it's tough to go from no children to two , but you really need to put the time and work in now to build attachment.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 24/01/2017 13:00

Kr1stina - what these particular kids need is 121 attention, which I can't give them if they're both at home with me as their needs are so different. We are only on their second day of school, which they are loving, and the quality of time spent with them individually has been great so far. They are both part time so one of them is with me for the morning, then swapped over for the afternoon.
I would love to be able to afford to keep them off for longer, and for my DH to be off too, but real life gets in the way of these things.

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Kr1stina · 24/01/2017 16:03

Well of course you must do what you think is best.

But most families are only able to afford for one parent to stay off work, so the other has to do it single handed during working hours. Except for all the single adopters who have to do it alone 24/7. So with respect, it's more about your choice and less about money.

I hope it works out well for your family.

londonisburning · 24/01/2017 17:01

I'm surprised SS agreed to this, actually. Why did you take the sibling group of two if you can't cope with a sibling group of two? Are there special considerations here? Were they hard to place?

I'm just surprised you got matched with a sibling group of two if this was your plan. What have SWs said?

I suppose early school is better than disruption, or not getting adopted at all, but it is less than ideal, and I'm surprised that SS agreed to it.

Maximummonkey · 24/01/2017 17:03

I agree that two weeks into placement is far, far to early for school. Yes, you need your sanity, but you must have been aware what adopting two siblings, of similar age was going to be like.
We adopted three at once, and kept them off school for a couple of terms, I had to fight everybody to do so, but, it was the best decision for us all. We know have four sons, all older, but with very good attatchment because I put the time in, in the beginning.

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