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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Angry

(14 Posts)
arielmanto Tue 22-Nov-16 11:07:59

As some of you might remember, we have a lovely little girl, 11mo, who was placed with us via FtA at 6mo. BP have history of learning difficulties and drug/alcohol misuse. BM has history of cocaine, heroin, alcohol misuse- however, we were told that BM had "only" taken legal highs during pregnancy. With our bullshit detecting hats on we were pretty sure this wasn't the case, and sure enough, far down the line, we've seen in a midwife's report that BM admitted to using a whole slew of stuff. We have been badgering the local hospital for an assessment of her since she moved in with us (which should have been done by the LA, but obviously they have other priorities). Eventually we got said assessment, and afterwards the team of OT, physio, GP & Paediatrician spoke to me in soft voices about how she was "showing a bit of delay" before sending us away.
DP has just showed me a letter that has arrived today which is a write up of the assessment. It's not so soft-voicy, it's quite blunt, and will probably end up being a powerful tool to help our LO. But to see the words "Global Developmental Delay" and the list of things that have likely led to it (both pre and peri natal) has just made me so angry at BM for the first time. I've tried to feel detached and kindly toward her but now I just feel so so sad and angry. LO was born in such distress the implication is that on top of possible FASD/NAS she also may have some brain damage from lack of oxygen. BM was high at birth.
Our LO is learnign so much, coming on steadily and surely, but she is miles behind lots of others. Now I'm scared for her future. Think I just need a hand hold. The ironic thing is that this very evening I am giving being "The Adopter" in an information evening for the LA. Must get this sour taste out of my mouth before then or I might just cry and that probably isn't the desired effect. BAH.

tldr Tue 22-Nov-16 12:01:36

Oh Ariel flowers

Youve just made me cry too. I'm so so sorry. I recognise a lot of what you're saying; anger, fear, possibly some grief too? And attempting to be understanding and kind. I have no practical advice, but bucketfuls of sympathy.

fasparent Tue 22-Nov-16 13:54:01

Sad situation afraid start of your fight, Start sooner the better.
Adoption support fund from LA for children suspected of FAS FASD for long term support and assessment can apply.
Register with Community paediatrician.
Contact LA's Schools statutory disability team, can place child on pathway plan, will monitor development with pathway plan, find a suitable nursery placement at possible age two will have full access of support with disability outreach team, will make a final assessment coming up to school age with educational psychologist as too if an Educational Health care plan is required, will help find a school best placed for your child.
These are procedure's too follow.
Will have too lots of reading on FAS FASD.
Our two now Adults have both full FAS FASD have been through the journey , Both live independent work full time, so all is not doom and gloom as it can be made out too be.
Need any advice or resources pm me .
Regards.

fasparent Tue 22-Nov-16 14:22:39

Have little one age 2.5 with Multiple Global Delays, not talking, or walking,
has just started nursery with SENCO and lots of support is on the same plan which is Statutory so should not be a problem just takes time, continues too make excellent progress , is full of fun and love has a smile for every one.

bambino2014 Tue 22-Nov-16 15:47:11

Sorry to see the situation you are now in. It's very difficult when social services say things are unknown in the future, and they smack you in the face sooner than you think.
You will adjust it sounds like you're on the ball. I don't know how social workers can say bm took xyz.....they never know.

arielmanto Tue 22-Nov-16 16:04:46

Thank you - I've calmed down a bit now, having come home to DP a bit weepy to find her all strong and supportive and making a plan to access help. fasparent thank you so much, I didn't know any of that so I will start researching now. We have been referred to our local Paediatrician so just waiting for an appointment date. We'll be those pushy annoying parents, for sure. Having just been reading back through all the medical stuff we have I'm incredulous again that the SWs can have sat there looking at this and still been able to look us in the eye and say "no other drugs, no alcohol.."
The main area, from my research so far, that she is behind in is speech and language. She has no "lip" sounds at all, just growls, raspberries and grunts. No babbling or mama/dada type sounds. Any idea when one can access SALT? I guess she might need to be a little older - but then the snail's pace these things take to get processed she'll probably be well over a year old before we get anywhere.

Prettybaffled Tue 22-Nov-16 20:36:04

Ariel, I'm sending you some flowers

My experience with salt isn't with an adc, but with an older bc. I do know that in many areas you can now self refer to salt drop in even at your l o 's age and they can give you some helpful things to focus on. Iirc with this age group that often suggest you make exaggerated mouth movements and encouraging eye contact when you are speaking e.g. Play games saying p p p. See if she will copy, that kind of thing.

Has she had a recent hearing test as that is usually suggested for speech delay? If not you will probably want to press for it.

conserveisposhforjam Tue 22-Nov-16 20:45:59

Oh ariel flowers

In our area SALT starts with a group (run by HVs not SALTs) which focuses on social interaction as the basis for delays - so teaching parents how to turn off the TV and say 'po-TAY-to'. This is why we have never accessed it. I think it is one of these NHS pathways things but it's very unhelpful for those of us who know our issues are not social.

Is it possible for you to find out about the pathways from your paed if you have one and insist on being referred up immediately if they are run like this?

MintyLizzy9 Tue 22-Nov-16 21:57:51

flowers get angry, I found it gave me the energy to push/get stroppy with SS. It's bloody heartbreaking to hear things that SS clearly have kept back or ignored.

My DS has some delay, the main being speech and I've found that the SALT varies by LA. His placing LA only started to work directly with children from age 3, you get added to the waiting list when they turn 3, however my LA starts at 2. Honestly I've not found it to be great for him so far, his attention is very low and he showed very little interest, he was 2 3/4's when he had the sessions but obviously still young for his age and would just throw his chair at the therapist when he'd had enough five minutes into it

Our health visitor referred us in and it took a few months for the initial assessment to happen.

Honestly I got lucky with my HV, she was VERY understanding and experienced and got DS in front of lots of people for assessments and follow ups and was like a dog with a bone chasing people up! One of the services she referred to was a portage team, not sure if it's regional but they come out to your home and work one on one with children with significant delays, DS wasn't considered to be delayed enough following their assessment of him for ongoing support but what they did sounded very supportive so it may be worth asking about that.

Xxx

Noseyposey1 Wed 23-Nov-16 15:54:23

Sorry to hear about the serious lack of information you received, how awful. It's good to get support and access help early, seeing a paeditrician every 6 months will be very beneficial to keeping an eye on lo's development and health. Lo is only 11 months old and they really do vary so much in their development. My 2 AS have developmental delay but both very different and reached milestones at different stages and better at some things than others. Don't underestimate the affect that the trauma lo has been through and how that can affect their development as well. It takes alot of energy to reach all these milestones and they can't do that when going through other stresses as well. My advice would be to enjoy little one and try not to worry to much. 5 months home is not long and you will see such a differnece now that lo is in a loving and nurturing enviroment. :O)

arielmanto Wed 23-Nov-16 16:55:26

Thanks all smile your support means a lot, and what a source of advice! we went to routine physio today and I was pushing to see what she could refer us to (our HV has been off sick for the last 2 appointments so I'm trying other routes). She immediately asked if we had heard of Portage - thanks to minty I had! And we are being put on the list for a visit from them. Baby steps.. AO application in on Monday!

Blossomdeary Wed 23-Nov-16 17:04:27

I know this situation from my family. Make noise; make lots of noise. Children with FAS need lots of support both when they are little and when they are adults.

Do not let the services get away with doing nothing which is what they will do given half a chance. Seriously - my young relative had no help whatsoever - CAMHS suggested poor parenting by the adoptive parents who were working their tripe out in a situation that was outside their experience. Get all the help you can from FAS charities - they are out there.

I wish you lots of good luck with this challenge. How I wish that adoption agencies (especially SSD) would be honest about the problems that adoptive parents might face with children like this and that they gave proper support.

catsnickedallmypens Wed 23-Nov-16 19:29:03

Hi ariel, I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and I hope you take all of the good advice given here.

With regard to your feelings towards to birth mother - I have felt so many strong negative feelings towards our DC's birth parents over the years. I try hard to give our DC a balanced view of BPs. I know for a fact that both BPs had terrible childhood experiences but I've struggled with where their responsibilities start and end.

No doubt I'll feel like this for many years and as our DC gets older the risk of contact being made will heighten.

However I watched a PAC video a few months ago that really helped me. It was about experiences of birth parents and adopters feelings about BPs. One of the the points made in the video was that BPs are the adults our adopted children would've turned into had they not been removed. That is that the BP's had very similar experiences to our children but weren't as fortunate as our children.

I think the video was on the June 2016 newsletter which you should be able to access via the PAC website.

fasparent Thu 24-Nov-16 01:34:38

Well done continue the fight for support "Early interventions are the key"
Window of opportunity for such children is 0 too 7 years.
Our young one now 2.5yrs had 6 professional's visiting the house , this is now being phased into them attending sessions at the nursery, and is doing brilliant, and nursery staff receive training on the way.
Is funded by NHS so LA has little involvement. Hopefully will require less support by the time of final assessment and school age, will defiantly lesson or prevent secondary issues. final outcome at this stage can not be predicted by anyone.

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