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Matching - hard :-(

(22 Posts)
Rainatnight Sat 15-Oct-16 09:11:21

Not looking for advice just really venting and feeling a bit tired and emotional about it all.

It's SO hard to not get invested in children whose profiles you're sent, isn't it? I really need to find a way to protect myself through all of this. And I find some of the BMs' stories incredibly sad, which is just adding to the turmoil.

Our SW has been speaking to us about a particular baby - we've seen a video and everything, and I've got to say I became quite invested. But more information is coming to light in a very drip-feedy kind of way and we don't know if we can meet her needs. And reading the notes of her early days in hospital is just heartbreaking.

Don't really know what I'm saying. Just venting and wondering if anyone else understands. I need to harden my heart!

flapjackfairy Sat 15-Oct-16 12:00:28

Dont harden your heart. Soft hearts definitely vital for adoption! But i know exactly how you feel. We are adopting our foster child and therefore know the birth family. It is so hard when they are people who find themselves minus their children because of their own experiences, circumstances etc. I have tortured myself over it all(even cried when placement order granted because i knew what it would do to mum) but at the end of the day childs needs are paramount and hard decisions have to be made .

As for this lo get sll the info you can and try(ha ha ) to look at it logically. Can you see yourself being mum( or dad) to this particular child ?

And vent away. A lot about adoption is heartbreaking in my opinion. Good luck

marmalade999 Sat 15-Oct-16 13:50:11

Totally agree adoption is heartbreaking. Our lo is very little and it hurts me deeply to tell her birth family story one day. I never would have thought we would have a match like we did, we are very compatible. At first when we got the basic information it took us a while to get our heads around it.......but we did and it's worked out well.

Good's hard but worth it!!!

bostonkremekrazy Sat 15-Oct-16 22:23:10

some people choose not to see picture or videos until after the decision has been made to adopt the child - some not until matching panel.
this can help it not be such a heartbreaking process especially if you are looking at several profiles.

WelshVickie1 Sat 15-Oct-16 23:20:06

Our SW has spoken to us about going to an exchange day in a few weeks and I'm not looking forward to it. She spoke to us about 2 LO's this week (although she thought it would be an unlikely match for us) and despite knowing that we are not right for them or vice versa, I'm struggling to put them out of my mind and even spent hours last night reading into their health needs & treatment options. The thought of all those profiles we'll see at the exchange is filling me with dread, definitely think I need to toughen up too. Good luck Rainatnight

JustHappy3 Sun 16-Oct-16 19:10:56

Yes. I had the same reaction - when i read dd's paperwork we realised there were two people described in it who needed tlc but unfortunately we could only help one.
It shocled me that we'd gone thru some similar experiences - but i was surrounded by people who cared and supported me. No one let me fall thru the cracks.
Also, in a small way i found it a huge relief that i did feel compassion and understanding. I had worried i'd just feel fierce anger and resentment towards the birth parents.

Italiangreyhound Sun 16-Oct-16 19:46:31

This is the hardest part of the adoption process IMHO. Not more difficult than being a parent by adoption, of course, but harder than homestudy, prep etc.

Here are my best suggestions for coping.

1 Do not be hard-hearted but be realistic, you cannot help them all

2 Do not take too much onto yourself, it was not you who put these children into care and whether you don't adopt A or B they will not return to their parents. (I felt guilt I was keeping our little one from his birth mum, but I was not, she was, by her choices and for her and birth dad their terribly difficult back story was not of my making.)

3 Making process is not forever, it is a process and it will end.

We did not see a picture of our son at first. it was SW choice and maybe helped us focus. Our son is, I think, ideal for us and us for him, he came at 3 nearly 4, has been with two and a half years and lots of people say how much he is just one of the family.

A good match really helps. Horver, in the end there are a lot of other things beside a good match and love. Eg support advice, patience (I struggle with that) and much more. I think a good match is a good starting point.

Maybe Rainatnight try and see it as more of an adventure, do not be too fearful, trust your gut and wisdom together. Work with your social worker and do not feel guilty you cannot adopt them all! Good luck.

Welshvickie why is your social worker showing you matches s/he thinks are not right for you and vice versa? What is the point?

To me it seems likely they are doing this in the hope you will 'fall for' a child just on the basis of how cute/lovely they are or how 'desperate' you feel or how much you want to help the child!

If you do have the practical/emotional resources to deal with these children but they are just too young or old for your preferred age range/not exactly the child you had imagined etc, then that seems OK (IMHO) but if it is actually all about just offering you random children it does not seem a very good way of going about it!

In your shoes I would ask them to explain why. It might be the social workers want to widden your parameters because they do not have any children within your 'parameters' but that is a total guess! flowers

WelshVickie1 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:41:14

Thanks Italiangreyhound, we're yet to be approved, going to panel in a few weeks. Our parameters are pretty wide, to be fair to our SW I think she may have been trying to use the LO's as an example of why we needed to be less "open to discuss", although I do wonder if she hoped we'd surprise her & express an interest. They are in our preferred age range & their impairment is one we'd said we were open to, but as with many things there are levels of severity and with these it's extreme.

I think because they are the first "real" children that we've talked about, as opposed to case studies, it's caught me out more than I thought. I've always expected that I'd have to reign in DH's enthusiasm with a dose of reality, will need to keep an eye on myself too though!

Italiangreyhound Sun 16-Oct-16 22:26:00

Ah that makes more sense Welshvickie but I hope you and DH will be OK through the process.

I do think seeing too many photos is confusing at times. A photo is much easier to bond with than a load of info (in an unhelpful way), IMHO.

Good luck. thanks

Rainatnight Sat 22-Oct-16 10:22:00

Thank you all SO much for the really wise advice and all your understanding. It really helps to know I'm not alone and that other people have gone through the same thing.

The point that there are two people who need TLC and I can only adopt one of them really chimes with me. And I'm going to try to get the balance right between being hard-hearted and realistic!

It continues to be a real roller coaster. And apparently there's been a bit of a kerfuffle within our LA about the way that some really important information wasn't in the CPR.

But at least it's been a learning experience about how to treat that initial information.

Thanks again, everyone.

Italiangreyhound Sat 22-Oct-16 23:14:15

Rainatnight good news you are feeling OK about this tough process.

Rainatnight Fri 16-Dec-16 07:36:53

Sorry to bring this up again. Still struggling but now the other way!

We've been linked with another baby and I feel like I should be feeling excited, but I just feel a bit...I don't know, dulled? Like I can't feel excitement. Maybe I just switched it off after the first one to protect myself.

And I still think of the first one and how perhaps we let her down. Sorry, I know that must sound silly.

Anyway. Just venting really. And wondering if anyone can relate to the feeling?

flapjackfairy Fri 16-Dec-16 07:40:33

You are in self preservation mode because you are scared to hope and have it dashed. Know that feeling so well.
Ignore emotions if you can and take it a day at a time.
It will become real in time as you move forward
. Exciting times hope all goes well x

Pebbles17 Fri 16-Dec-16 08:15:19

We were totally the same, our first profile we got crazy excited about, imagined the little person at home and playing etc. We didn't even get a visit from his social worker

The second one, we were very meh, did not get excited and chose to register our interest purely because there was no reason not to .... that little person is currently asleep in her cot having her morning nap having been with us for nearly 3 months now and we love her so much it makes me tearful smile

I found the matching process the hardest, up until this point it is all theoretical and then all of a sudden you are discussing an actual person.

Good luck xx

Mrscollydog Fri 16-Dec-16 11:06:15

When I first saw the info about my LO I actually thought she looked funny (as in weird). For ages I kept telling myself there was no reason not to proceed as opposed to wanting too. Nearly a year since her coming home she is the most beautiful creature to me, I love her fiercely and the match was spot on! Try not to be too put off by the weird emotion of matching. Good luck.

JustHappy3 Fri 16-Dec-16 12:45:26

I looked at the photos they gave us of our dd before we'd met her and felt blank inside too. I worried a lot for a bit. Luckily (?) I have a birth ds and it took me 15 months to feel bonded to him. I would have died for him to keep him safe etc but no sense of the connection that came later. So i felt able to acknowledge how i felt and go ahead knowing that connection would come

MintyLizzy9 Fri 16-Dec-16 22:58:53

Hi, I was the same. I was put forward to a number of linking meetings but the other adoptor was always picked. When I was put forward for DS I was the only adopter they were considering so it was a fairly done deal but I just shut down, by that point another disappointment would have finished me off. I got a text from my SW when I was at work asking if I could talk and I went out to the carpark to call her and she told me it was confirmed as an official link and a matching panel had been booked in pending a meeting with DS SW. I sat in the carpark and sobbed for about 30 min, it all just came out in one long snotty teary mess (that continued on and off for weeks!), it was only after that that I realised how much I had been holding back. Self preservation is the only way through matching in my opinion.

DS profile didn't jump at me, in fact I had a thread on here at the time questioning my thought process and my selfishness, looking back it was cold feet, it's bloody terrifying to know your dream may be about to come true and the fear it may not be what you hoped it would be and the self doubt you have it in you to love and care for this little person.

Use your head to digest all the info and ask the difficult questions, if there is no reason to say no then listen to your heart.

Best of luck X

Rainatnight Mon 19-Dec-16 22:49:18

Thank you all SO much, I can't tell you how much it's helped that other people have gone through the same experiences.

Mrscollydog I also thought she looked funny and DP looked at me like I'd said I wanted to club a seal! I'm so glad I'm not alone. But at the same time I felt like I wanted to look after her - the picture's obviously taken at contact and she looks quite stressed (can a baby look stressed?) and not particularly nicely dressed or cared-for looking. sad So my heart really did go out to her.

Anyway. SW rang today and we're officially matched pending panel. So just need to breathe and go with it.

Thank you all so much

Rainatnight Sat 07-Jan-17 09:31:55

Hello, I thought I'd give a little update on this. We're going to panel on Monday, but our SW arranged for us to meet the baby informally the other day and she is AMAZING. So lovely and adorable, I can't quite put into words what I felt. She sat on my lap and looked up at me with her big blue eyes...

So it just goes to show you can't tell from a picture.

Thanks so much once again, everyone.

flapjackfairy Sat 07-Jan-17 16:15:53

Oh what lovely news. Congratulations Rain !

GirlsWhoWearGlasses Sat 07-Jan-17 17:51:21

That's wonderful. Congratulations!

Rainatnight Sun 08-Jan-17 12:04:49

Thank you! grin

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