Thankyou

[plymouthmaid]

I just wanted to say a massive thankyou to the many birth mothers who make the selfless decision to place their babies for adoption. We often hear about the negative experiences people who have been adopted have had but rarely any positive.
I have nothing but respect and gratitude to my birth mother for deciding that, at that point in her life, she wasn't the best person to raise me. Instead she gave me the opportunity to become a part of the most incredible, caring and loving family anyone could wish to be a member of.
I don't know what my life would have been like with her but what I do know is that I have had the most incredible childhood and am loved unconditionally by so many wonderful people thanks to her.
I would love to be able to let her know that her decision has enabled me to have an incredible life for which I will be forever grateful to her.

[researchbookworm]

It's lovely to hear that you had a great experience after your mother made such a massive decision. I hope that the majority of adopted people feel the same way about their adoptive families, although sadly these days most children come to be adopted against the wishes of their birth families. Whether a family relinquished a child, or they were removed for their own welfare, it's a massive thing to come to terms with growing up. I only hope that my AC will feel the same way about their situation when they reach adulthood.

[Offredalba]

Dear Plymouthmaid,
It is truly wonderful to hear that your adoption has brought happiness to you and your parents. I'm sure that you mean well in sending out these thanks and I'm sure that it was a result that your first mother desperately wanted for you.
However, I know tens of mothers who lost their children to adoption and I don't know a single one who would describe it as a decision or a choice. In order for there to be a choice, there has to be more than one option. It was a bit like being a dog on a choke lead. It felt as if you had a choice of direction but as soon as you started pulling in the wrong direction, the choke got tighter until it became clear that there was only one inevitable outcome, and fighting it would only prolong the suffering of your baby.
So, thank you thinking kindly of us and for recognising that birthmothers wanted the best for our children, but please dont thank me for succumbing to something that I had no control over, and was the most painful event of my life.
Wishing you all the best.

[Cleo1303]

Hi plymouthmaid,

What a lovely thread to start. Your BM would be happy to know that you have had such a lovely childhood and are doing so well. I'm very grateful to my DD's BM for relinquishing her.

Your BM may put her name on the register saying that she would like to hear from you. You could check that out if you would like to meet or contact her.

Like you, my DD is loved to bits by her family and is very happy too.

[ClassicCoast]

It is lovely that is has worked out for you but sure what OFfredalba said too.
And as an adoptee as well I am not full of thanks to my birth mother I am full of thanks that I escaped her - sometimes meetings / more knowledge gives you more to be grateful for in unexpected ways.

[goodgriefx100]

OP I think that that is lovely but I would have to say that I do not know a single person in real life who feels the same way as you. I have sadly come across many, many adoptions where grief, anger, abuse, loss, depression have been key themes. So tell us more!

[Cleo1303]

Hi goodgriefx100, I assume you must be a post-adoption counsellor if you have seen so many adoptees who are angry, grief-stricken and depressed?

Those will be the ones who are referred to you. I have met a number of adopted adults, although obviously not as many as you in your professional capacity, and they have all been happy, balanced individuals, rather like plymouthmaid

[ClassicCoast]

And next GoodGrief goes to radio addicts to reflect on the failures of audio before visiting Pets corner to demolish the reputation of hamsters.

[plymouthmaid]

I really didn't mean to upset or offend anybody. I fully recognise that for many people their experience isn't the same as mine and I know how lucky I have been. Maybe I shouldn't have used the words decision and choice.
I have obviously made my point really badly and I am truly sorry for that.

[Cleo1303]

Absolutely nothing to apologize for. Your post came from the heart and it's easy to see that.

Any BM, regardless of whether she actually wished to relinquish her baby for her own reasons or had to make such a very hard decision, would want to know that her baby had been raised by a loving family who treasured him/her and had given them a wonderful life.

[plymouthmaid]

Cleo you have just said exactly what I was trying to communicate. Thankyou.

[Cleo1303]

I'm glad. I knew what you meant. I hope my DD feels the same when she grows up. (I do treasure and love her, and so do my whole family, and I am very grateful to her BM.) x

[Newtothis2017]

Sorry to jump in on this thread but as an adult adoptee who knows all of her birth family I agree with the op. I have the most wonderful parents. My birth parents will never be mum and dad. And while my birth mother still grieves for giving me up she is happy my parents gave me such a wonderful life

[Cleo1303]

I don't think you are "jumping in on this thread" at all. I am glad you had a wonderful life too, and it confirms that adoption can work so well. Thank you.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Don't worry op - the adoption topic is a weird and divisive place atm Nothing to do with you.

And nothing offensive in either your post or the way you expressed yourself. As mother to a child I adopted I was glad to hear your thoughts

[Offredalba]

Dear Plymouth maid,

I wasn't offended at all and didn't mean to make you feel like that. We hear a lot about the good old days of adoption when mothers gave up children that they were too embarassed to keep them. It just wasn't like that.
As I said it's a great result that you have grown up happily and I'm truly pleased that it's the case for many adoptees. I just don't want to be thanked because it implies that I gave away a child as some kind of gift. I know very few mothers who did that, although it seems to be the dominant narrative about the time, and it can be quite a damaging narrative for the women themselves.
I'm sure that your mother wanted you to be happy and it was a very kind thing for you to say, but the most likely scenario is that she didn't have any say in the matter, so wouldn't expect to be thanked, or blamed for that matter.
All the best.

[ClassicCoast]

Wouldn't want to cause you a seconds bother either Plymouth, my adoption also worked well:)I find it vastly irritating when people patronise me for lacking real or blood relations. Positive stories should be shared.

Alongside that as an American birth mother that narrative of selfless birth mothers giving up babies for a better life has done ŵomen so much harm and is just too simplistic. It's the kind of thing only a bm coukd say about themselves if they wanted to rather like I can call myself lucky if I want as an adoptee but I still think calling all adopted children lucky is beyond crass.

Maybe here can be 'divisive' that adoptees,birth mothers (relinquished and legally compelled) and adopted parents have divided experiences- wouldn't be surprised at all it would be kind of weird if we didn't. It's not top trumps though - everyone's input is valid.