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Adoption

(8 Posts)
Frustration1 Wed 09-Dec-15 14:33:22

Help needed ... advice needed .... i am trying to adopt due to medical conditions and complications etc etc. We have been told that my fiances ex wife will need to be interviewed, she is vile and bitter towards us and tried to come between us a numerous occasions and made up stories etc etc, my fiance dosnt have children with his ex wife however he did help bring up his ex wifes daughter for 4 years, there are no actual ties biologically so why does she need to be involved ?? we dont need to have anything to do with her a clean break !! why should our destiny be held in the hands of a bitter ex ??

GirlsWhoWearGlasses Wed 09-Dec-15 16:01:28

Ermmn...well if you adopt your child won't have any biological ties to you, so how your DP parents/parented his former Stepdaughter seems quite relevant. Is he still a part of the child's life?

I know the whole adoption process is invasive and judgemental, but it is what it is. Some things will seem illogical and infuriating, but we don't make the rules or set the system. Doesn't mean you can't moan about it of course. grin

Honestly though, in this particular instance, I do think it's right that they speak to her. Try not to worry, SWs are used to filtering when it comes to vengeful exes.

Tamponlady Wed 09-Dec-15 16:43:20

Because they will want to know about how he is as a parent and also if he is not in contact with the little girl anymore why not as he was effectively her step father

Devora Wed 09-Dec-15 18:06:52

They do need to check out previous partners. They're not naive - they know exes will often not be disposed to give a rave review. But they need to check just in case something comes up that needs to be checked out: domestic violence etc. So I don't think your destiny is in her hands, rather I think you should try to understand why they have to check you out from every angle. Look at it the other way: if you had an ex who was abusive and bullying to you and your children, you split up, then a few years later he adopted some vulnerable children, wouldn't you be saying: "why didn't the SW talk to me?"

Remember: it's about taking all reasonable steps to ensure children's wellbeing. Every other adoptive parent has this happen, in many cases their exes will be a bit sour but they get to be adoptive parents anyway. Seriously, you need to relax about this: save your energy for what is to come!

mybloodykitchen Wed 09-Dec-15 22:30:02

'there are no actual ties biologically'

On the adoption board.

You might want to have a big long think about this whole thing op smile

Devora Wed 09-Dec-15 22:50:29

Cripes yes, I had missed the thing about the daughter he had helped raise. The social worker will want to learn more about this: your dh was a father figure to a child and then walked out of her life? This will be an issue that will have to be explored, I'm afraid.

Devora Wed 09-Dec-15 22:55:25

I'm sorry to harp on, I do understand how you (and many other people) feel about the intrusiveness of the adoption process, bringing in parts of your life and people that you have no interest in being engaged with now. But my very genuine advice to you is to develop a spirit of acceptance. This is not to say you shouldn't have any boundaries, and of course you should challenge anything that is really unprofessional and harmful. But you need to get a bit zen about this process. This is for three reasons:

1. You might as well play ball with the people who hold all the cards.
2. There may be good reasons for things that aren't obvious now - I certainly look back (7 years since the start of my home study) and think, 'aah, I get that now'
3. Once you have adopted, you will have to be flexible, you will have to accept not everything is in your control, you will have people judging you. So look on this as training!

Frustration1 Thu 10-Dec-15 12:54:04

thanks for the replies..... firstly yes he was part o his wifes daughters life for 4 years but so were other men, thats the type of women she was, she dosn't know who her real farther is every man introduced in the childs life was dad, it killed my ex to walk away but he had to his ex wife was abusive and a drunk and her daughter became that way too she lost virginity at 13 and tried to comit suicide a number of times she 18 now and always out drinking and has a child of her own, shes captured her mothers ways, my fiance wanted to help but as they kept stating hes not biologically attached "there words" so there was nothing he could do.....

Yes i wont be biologically the mother of the adoptive child but i will be a mother to it i cant give birth to my own but i know how to love and care for a child so i have thought about it ....

i have now come to terms with asking his ex wife ... bring it on .... ive never met her so i cant judge her same as she can't judge me and my fiance has nothing to worry about to my knowledge anyway only have his word but i trust him with all my heart hence why we are getting married and going down the adoption route so we can have our little family. The social worker can throw anything at us we wont give up just hurdles to climb ...

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