New birth sibling, finding it hard to process

[Cantthinkofannewname]

Regular user both of MN and the adoption board but NC and changed a few details.

We have two adopted DCs who share a birth mum and were both removed very young due to major drug exposure, sleeping rough etc., there are older siblings who are also not being raised by birth mum for similar reasons (no 1 was with birth mum for some time and has many of the expected issues, no 2 removed younger leading to our two being relatively well looked out for I feel).

Our DC2 is still very young (not yet 2) and we have heard that birth mum has a new baby that is staying with her. She has a new partner but she was with this partner during the pregnancy with our DC2 and there was DV (reported as part of the risk to DC2, though obviously there was more).

I am ashamed to say I've looked at her FB pages and yes indeed, she seems to be happily at home with the new partner and the new baby. No tales of drug taking or eviction (the main previous issues, and yes I have seen info relating to those on her FB page before, I know I shouldn't, blah blah blah).

I personally am finding this pretty hard to deal with, there is such a small age gap between our DC2 and the new baby. I am assuming that she managed to stay drug free for most of the pregnancy with the new baby, and also in housing. I feel both "why couldn't she do that for our two?" and "what happens when she can't keep this up any more/gets into an argument/gets battered by the new partner [or hits him which has also happened]?" but also feeling "could she have done this with proper support while she was expecting our DCs?".

And if I'm struggling with these feelings now, what about our two DCs when they are old enough to understand (we haven't told DC1 or obviously DC2)?

I think I'm probably just looking for some help to process this myself for the moment... But anyone that has relevant advice for the DCs when older that would be gratefully received.

[lunar1]

It doesn't sound like she would have coped with support through her other pregnancies. She has had 4 children removed at separate times. She must have clearly demonstrated poor parenting over a long period of time for that to happen.

I also very much doubt that everything is as dost as Facebook is leading you to think. She will (hopefully) be under a very close watch by social services.

I can imagine you are really conflicted, but all you can do is give the children you have the best life you can. And be honest with them in an age appropriate way when they are old enough about what has happened and why.

[Cantthinkofannewname]

I am pretty sure you are right about her not engaging - I don't think we have even half the information but it sounds a lot like that from what we've read.
I am just not sure if she's changed, given some of the details - both completely OTT things and just not understanding children e.g. like a lot of very poor parents thinking babies/toddlers are "doing it on purpose" type of thing or "X got that from his/her dad" when it's age appropriate behaviour.

Maybe the new partner and/or support will make the difference.

It's hard enough to manage this in my own feelings without knowing what to say to the DCs.

[Ratracerunner]

I am in a similar position to you here, regarding the 2 siblings, Facebook, the BM having a new baby etc.

The bottom line is that you can ask yourself a million questions that you will never know the answer to and drive yourself mad - or focus on your kids, surrounding them with love and security and show them how a real parent behaves.

You can deal with any questions that arise as they grow older, but no point second guessing what will/what could/what did happen.

Enjoy your lovely family and don't give them your head space, they're not worth it.

[Cantthinkofannewname]

Oh thanks Ratrace. It's always good to hear from someone who's BTDT.

DH much better at this than me, though he does sometimes dwell on things he seems to have managed to put this out of his head.

Of course I have not been smug and judgey about new baby's made up name at all (we changed ours on advice due to made up-ness but have been told new baby's what with us not representing a risk)

[Italiangreyhound]

Cantthinkofannewname I am so sorry you have got this to go through.

First of all, please do no feel at all guilty for looking at birth mums Facebook page! She has put that out in the public domain with poor security controls and you are perfectly at liberty to see what you can put out there.

Please take all the time you need to process this and get advice from professionals about when and how to share with your kids.

My gut feeling is sharing earlier will be better but if there is a real chance birth mum will lose this child too (as it sounds like there is a real possibility of this) so maybe wait and see what happens.

Please do not worry or think about her not being able to get it together for your two dcs. She just could not. Who knows why. Who knows how she got it together this time. And it may well change.

So just relax, hard to do, and accept this is how it has all worked out. It is not the children's fault and your most important role in all this is to make sure the children know that it is not their fault.

Best wishes.

[cantthinkofannewname]

This is a very old thread but rather than explain all the background blah blah and risk tripping up and outing myself I thought I'd find it and resurrect it. I just heard that bmum has lost the new baby through her own actions (drugs/illegal activity). Apparently the baby's dad is seeking to have independent contact with the baby (they have split up, we did wonder how long that would take) and from what we have heard of him he does sound a bit more capable (though still risky).

Very sad but in some weird way kind of relieved - I would feel really torn about our DC2 in particular if it turned out that everything went swimmingly for their baby sibling after they ended up with us. But also very mean for thinking that.

[Kr1st1na]

So sad for everyone . What a mess .

Have you considered that in about 6 months SS might approach you about adopting the baby ? Just in case you don't feel guilty enough as it is ......

[JaneDonne]

They were probably thinking 'Shit! Re BS has made it much more difficult to get placement orders.' I think that's generally what sws are thinking now. :(

[cantthinkofannewname]

I suspect that the baby's father was the change in circumstance that led them to believe that the new baby might be safe. I am not completely sure but I think he has contact with his own older children and no CP issues there. I suspect it was borderline and they've been keeping an eye on her and now things have got to crisis. Pure speculation but I have heard of cases like this before (new birth father = new set of assessments which drag on) and she's never had the father on the scene when any of her children have been born before.

We were already kind of asked but we firmly said no way so it was all dropped. I don't feel guilty at all about it but just hope that we may have some way to do contact if the baby ends up in an adoptive home (which seems pretty likely); the older one's adoptive family don't seem interested in contact.

[Kr1st1na]

I'm glad you've already thought it through and come to a decision . I know of other adoptive families who have been " put on the spot " because they were not told about a bio siblings birth , then they were suddenly asked out the blue to make a decision ( and have a baby placed ) in a very short time scale ( because there was a crisis ) . Sigh .

Hopefully the new parents with allow some contact with your kids . I've seen it work very well , just like a cousin that they see a couple of times a year , get photos of etc .

[cantthinkofannewname]

Thanks, we would really like to pursue contact (would rather not while new baby is in FC, there is now some distance involved, too confusing for our DCs etc. etc.) but long term I am crossing my fingers.

[Kewcumber]

I've also seen sibling contact (about once a year) work quite well so it might be good but as you say not ultimately down to you. I've also seen a similar situation where siblings were removed and adopted due to domestic violence and violence against the children. BM subsequently got pregnant (about 5 years later) with new partner - baby was left with her then removed. By which time BF and BM had split up and BF successfully applied for custody (and got it) I think with his mum living with them to provide day time care.

I think it's very difficult to handle when subsequent children are kept for all sorts of reasons. I know someone who's birth family have been approved to take a subsequent child - difficult not to think "why were they before" or are SS just more desperate to not have to get a placement order? Or course that family member might just be in a better position than before but it must make you wonder how to explain it to your children.

[cantthinkofannewname]

kew that is exactly what we would find so difficult to explain. How did bmum get her act together for the new baby when she couldn't for our two - especially such a short time after. Well, except, it seems she can only get her act together for a very, very limited time.

We know that bmum's family have washed their hands of her and her children (though we do have letterbox with one member of extended bfamily and get quite appropriate replies so that's pretty good). But no idea what new dad's family would be like.

[mintysmum]

I read your post cantthinkifanewname and wonder if this won't actually be AS upsetting to your children as you imagine and fear. I imagine they are happy with you and will have settled, calm, loving childhoods. That's what you need to provide and the rest will fall into place.
They might of course ask those questions later in life but if they've had happy childhoods I doubt it will cause must angst to them.
I was adopted a long time ago but as an 18yr old I found out my bm had a baby a year before me and a baby a few years after me. The first she gave up for adoption like me but she then had significant contact with that person when they were an adult, maybe because they were not given up till they were 6months old. I was given up at 6 weeks and bm didn't develop a relationship with me as an adult. She kept her other baby as she was married then so quite different. I haven't really stressed about why one had a positive relationship and one didn't, or why she was sorted by the time the third baby came along.
In fact quietly I'm very happy with the way it turned out as she had significant emotional problems and I doubt she could have provided me with the stable, calm home I had.
Think your children will recognise that when they're old enough.