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Anyone been through step parent adoption?

(27 Posts)
Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 22:03:04

I'm hoping this board may be more supportive. I posted on another one and was told that my husband will never be my daughter's dad sad

He's brought her up since she was 1 and she's now nearly 9. Her bio dad left me when I was pregnant and died so had nothing to do with my daughter ever.

We have 3 biological children together and we want to make sure or eldest daughter has the same legal ties to her dad as her sisters.
You'd never ever know she's isn't biologically my husbands and we never even think about it smile

We have passed stage 1 and we are now waiting for the visit from the social worker for the next stage

Anyone else been through it?


Chocolatebreadcrumbs Sat 16-May-15 22:32:03

No, but he's already her dad. Being a dad is more than producing sperm.

However, I would allow her to acknowledge her genetics, and make sure she grows not feeling ashamed of half of her DNA. Does she have any contact with paternal family at all? What will happen to that once she's adopted? Her dad making it all legal is probably the best thing for you all, but I'm sure you know you can't pretend she is biologically his.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 22:36:49

I KNOW that, and I'm unsure why people keep saying that? We have done everything correctly. She is not ashamed, she knows her birth story. She has no contact with the paternal birth family as they have been very difficult and cruel to both me and her. My daughter has made the choice that she doesn't want any contact. Anyway, I really didn't want to go into all this. I was hoping people could trust me on all this.

I am just wondering who else has gone through step parent adoption?

I never realised people would be so bitchy to me

Chocolatebreadcrumbs Sat 16-May-15 22:40:36

I wasn't being bitchy. You didn't put much info in your OP. I thought I was being nice.

As a prospective adopter, it's something I'm thinking about in terms of my own family.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 22:45:20

Ok sorry, I read it wrong and am feeling a bit defensive because of a horrible poster on another board.

We really have thought about all this. We've done a memory book but my daughter really just isn't interested. Maybe she'll be intrigued one day. But they are such nasty people and I hope she has the sense to stay away from them x

Chocolatebreadcrumbs Sat 16-May-15 22:49:39

I was concerned by your saying "You'd never ever know she's isn't biologically my husbands and we never even think about it"- she'll always know. That doesn't in any way change her attachment to her dad, but ignoring it is never an option. I'm not being bitchy, and I'm sure they explained this to you at stage 1 training.

And, equally, I'm sure you never let your opinions of her paternal family (cruel and nasty) be known to her. I'd worry that if she knew you felt that way, she'd feel that half of her was bound to be cruel and nasty.

None of this takes away the rightness of her dad adopting her, and I wish you well.

Spamminit Sat 16-May-15 22:55:51

No advice as I haven't been through it but I am in a slightly similiar situation. My eldest is 9 and my husband is going to adopt him.

His birth father is still alive but hasn't been in touch for nearly 8 years. Son knows of his birth family but doesn't want to contact them or see them. His birth father gave us permission to change his surname to our family name but doesn't want to know him.

I have looked extensively into it. (I am a social worker, though not in an adoption team.) And it is a very child orientated court process, your SW will give you lots of information. Your daughter will be appointed a CAFCASS worker,who will represent her views in court etc. The social worker will speak to your daughter to ensure she understands all of the process and obtain her view.

I am sure you have absolutely nothing to worry about and it will all go fine. smile

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-May-15 22:57:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greatt84 Sun 17-May-15 07:45:44

Chocolatebreadcdumbs - yes of course she will always know that. What I mean is that there is no difference in any relationships in our family. Unfortunately for my daughter, I haven't had to say much about these cruel and spiteful people, she has worked this out for herself - when we've had police turning up at our door as they've made false claims about me (I've apparently hit other cars and driven off, left the children at home on their own)...they've also called the NSPCC about 5X and made false allegations. Every single one of these calls to police/NSPCC are marked as malicious and every single one of them have been made by the paternal grandmother for no reason other than to cause us untold misery. I am a teacher and this has been absolutely mortifying and upsetting. She was given a 'harassment order' and we moved house without her having our new address which brought us lots of peace.
I do hope you understand a bit more now and understand the type of people they are. The comments she has made to my daughter have been nothing but cruel and for no reason other than to sabotage her secure base. We spoke about all these troubles extensively to the social worker in stage 1 of the process and she was nothing but supportive of the reasons we have no contact and the reasons my daughter wants no contact. No matter how nice it would be to portray them as cosy, lovely people, that is not possible - infact, if they were, then my daughter would still be in touch with them! There is no 'shame' involved anywhere for my daughter.

Thank you spam and MPR. spam, I really hope it goes smoothly for you too smile It sounds like your ex won't contest it


bberry Sun 17-May-15 09:25:23

I saw the other thread OP ....

Try not to be upset by ignorant comments... A father/mother is much more than genetics, it's the person that is there fir you when you are ill/happy/sad/scared and who holds your hand physically and emotionally throughout your childhood and beyond...

I can't comment on the process but didn't want to read and run

Stroan Sun 17-May-15 09:55:47

I can't comment on the process, as I was adopted by my Dad 16 years ago and I'm sure it's changed. However, I wanted to reassure you that the previous poster who said that your husband would never be your daughters Dad is completely wrong.

My Dad has been there since I was 3, whilst my biological father lost interest when I was 6. I have younger siblings and we are treated exactly the same - not just by my Dad but by all of his family. If anything, as the oldest, I probably got more of my Dad's time and attention. We're incredibly close. If I ever had any moments where I questioned our situation, I just had to remember that my Dad chose to love me unconditionally. That's a very strong type of love.

My parents attempted the adoption process when I was younger but my biological father blocked it (the only interest he had was in creating unhappiness). It eventually happened when I was 15- lots of people queried why we were bothering but it was really important to my parents that we were all equal if anything happened to them. And it was important to me.

If I recall correctly, my Mum had to adopt me too and the social workers interviewed me, my siblings and other extended family members. I don't remember much else about the process. The only thing that is a bit irritating is that I now have an adoption certificate instead of a birth certificate, which always raises questions.

Of course it's important that your daughter knows that she can ask questions about her biological family and that she could contact them in future if she wanted to. I never did, they don't exist to me, but I could if I wanted to.

Good luck, you are both doing a wonderful thing!

Greatt84 Sun 17-May-15 10:15:00

Bberry, thank you so much xx

Stroan - I cannot begin to tell you how much your reply means to me. The love between you and your dad is exactly how it is between my husband and our eldest smile. The option is always there for her to talk, but no interest has ever been shown in it so far! She is so loyal to her dad and even jokes to her sisters that she is daddy's favourite as they chose each other grinwink.
I am so happy for you and your dad. How wonderful to hear smile

Kewcumber Sun 17-May-15 12:05:23

Step parent adoption has changed - the birth parent no longer has to aslo adopt the child.

You don't need to reassure people on this board that your DH feels the same way about all his children - we mostly have adopted children and many have birth and adopted children so it's really the norm here.

I can absolutely see why you would want to regularise the situation - if anything happened to you your DH would not have automatic responsibility for your DD and the last thing you would want would be a battle between him him and the ex IL's. Not of course that you're planning to die before your time!

Normally courts are very reluctant to sever the legal bonds between birth parent and child and prefer to go down the route of PR for the step parent. However in your case with the death of the birth father and the problems GP's have caused I suspect your case will be different. ASlo at 9 she owuld be asked what she wants too.

Good luck.

Kewcumber Sun 17-May-15 12:07:25

And to be fair at 9, my (adopted) DS and I rarely talk about his adoption. It is there but is certainly not prominent so I don't think 8/9 years later birth father/step father issue not being a very live issue is hardly unusual.

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 17-May-15 14:42:26

My male biological parent left the picture when I was two. Although he's not an unpleasant person, he's not and never will be my father. My DF is the man I lived with from the age of four who actually fulfilled the role of father and even stayed in the picture after his divorce from DM.

Anyone who said your DH could never be her father is just bitter for their own reasons, don't worry about it.

Greatt84 Sun 17-May-15 17:19:45

Thank you so much both of you xx

Kewcumber, that's what I mean - it's really a non-issue and not a live issue

TheFallenMadonna Sun 17-May-15 18:05:59

My dad adopted me, and I view it as one of the most positive things in my life.

HermioneWeasley Sun 17-May-15 18:09:30

Yes, I had to adopt our DS (lesbian couple so no bio dad in the picture). It was a very positive and unintrusive experience. The session at the magistrates court where we were made official was brilliant.

Good luck OP, and don't listen to anyone on here who frankly knows fuck all about your family!

MyPreciousRing Sun 17-May-15 19:08:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greatt84 Sun 17-May-15 19:25:17

More positivity!! Thank you xxx

It was on 'legal' advice MPR

JustkeepswimmingNemo Sun 17-May-15 19:51:25

Your doing what's best for your daughter, don't let anyone let you think other wise!

My niece hasn't seen her bio father since she was a few weeks old and her dad has raised her as his own since she was 1 yr. she calls him dad and is her dad in every way! Even now she is 21 she is still a daddy's girl!

It takes more than a drop of sperm to make someone a dad!

Lilka Sun 17-May-15 20:18:33

Like Kew and her son, my 10 year old son and I don't talk about his adoption very often at all. I think that's fairly typical in this age group, especially with boys.

Wish you all the best of luck with the process smile I can't see from what you've said that you'll have any major issues with the process given your circumstances. We don't get many step parent adopters on here unfortunately. I had a look back for you but there were barely any other threads about this in the last couple of years. I do remember though that when this has come up, some people (couples with a step child) said they felt uncomfortable with the process because of the way legal certificates are issued at the end. Did your Social Worker explain that when the adoption goes through, your DD will no longer have a valid long birth certificate, but get an adoption certificate with you also listed as her adoptive mother? That's the only issue I can think of which caused problems for some prospective step parent adopters here.

TheUnwillingNarcheska Tue 19-May-15 22:22:46

Great I have no advice but I am glad you came onto this board for information.

The thread you posted in legal kicked off because of assumptions made by another poster about your character. I was shocked and horrified to read it and that someone could jump to conclusions about your personal circumstances based on a few lines from you about the adoption was terrible.

To then be informed about what actually happened and still not back down or apologise to you was cruel. Horrific does not cover it.

I really hope the rest of it all goes smoothly for you flowers

SoonToBeSix Tue 19-May-15 22:24:58

Yes my dh adopted my two eldest dd's two years ago , do you have specific questions op?

EatShitDerek Tue 19-May-15 22:32:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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