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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Shameless research for blog...

(27 Posts)
Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 09:48:04

So what would you tell prospective adopters?

blossom101001 Wed 19-Nov-14 13:37:41

Ohhh - that when you do have to tell someone little one is adopted...They then think it is okay to tell you how to parent...After all it is everyone's child isn't it...Definitely the case when you are parenting differently...

Oh and when you do have a child- sometimes you get it wrong and that is ok!

Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 13:41:22

I don;t think anyone ever ventured an opinion on how I should parent... I have come to the conclusion I am too scary!

Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 13:41:39

I'm not btw - I'm lovely and fluffy.

blossom101001 Wed 19-Nov-14 13:52:47

Must be just me...I thought I was scary looking...

Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 14:00:39

I'm sure it's not just you! But maybe you should practice frowning more, like this => angry

Jamfilter Wed 19-Nov-14 14:05:07

That you will have to learn how not to punch people in the face when:
- they tell you how lucky your LO is
- they tell you your LO just needs clear boundaries
- they tell you controlled crying will sort out your grieving sobbing child at night

I do ever such a good line in sweet smiles over clenched teeth, whil muttering "How interesting that you think so"

Jamfilter Wed 19-Nov-14 14:05:46

* while

trafficjam Wed 19-Nov-14 15:42:00

I would tell prospective adopters that no matter how much time and information you share with family and friends about trauma, loss and possible behaviours your child might exhibit - it will be ignored as soon as they meet the LO.
The phrase that makes me want to scream currently is: "all children do that". Yes, they might well do that but I'm not somehow attention seeking or trying to make out we are very important by cross checking those behaviours through the added filter of adoption awareness- I'm just adjusting my approach in light of my baby's experiences.
I've been astonished at how many intelligent family members seem to jump immediately to tell me that any problems my little man experiences is normal. And nothing to do with the fact that he lost everything and everyone he knew over the space of a week less than half a year ago. Because apparently moving a baby is as simple as moving a houseplant - what with the fact that they "don't remember", or now are in "a loving family". And also, because 6 months has passed, clearly he should be "over it by now"
Then those same people will tell you with a completely straight face and zero sense of irony how upset their LO is now they are transitioning to a new nursery/bed/routine...Kew, can you run training groups in giving people a scary, don't mess with me look please as I am clearly not doing it right.

Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 16:55:48

Then those same people will tell you with a completely straight face and zero sense of irony how upset their LO is now they are transitioning to a new nursery/bed/routine...

D'you know this had never actually occurred to me! But dd actually make me snigger.

all children do that and but they don't remember makes me want to commit murder.

You do eventually end up only discussing it with adopters which I find by far and away better for my blood pressure.

My DS's situation was a bit different from the norm being institutionalised but to be honest I think the idea still holds...

I say "What had your 1 year learnt by then?" You can prompt - if they don't come up with walking, crawling, talking a bit, babbling, recognising faces, rolling over etc

Then I say "My ds learnt.... that everybody leaves. Eventually everybody leaves"

I do a good line in passive aggressive me.

Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 16:56:31

And yes I do think anyone you discuss their issues with thinks you are attention seeking.

Jameme Wed 19-Nov-14 18:51:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber Wed 19-Nov-14 19:43:58

Jameme - last year was a dreadful one in school for DS, I remember well him running out of school to me saying excitedly "I didn't hit anyone at school today mum!" Well yes in my world any day when you don't hit anyone is indeed a good day.

MerryInthechelseahotel Wed 19-Nov-14 20:48:30

All the assessments and forms and checks and panels are only a means to an end. They can be all encompassing and dominate your life but it all begins when a child is placed.

"My ds learnt.... that everybody leaves. Eventually everybody leaves"
My ds can't bear goodbyes. He finds them so hard sad

Jameme Wed 19-Nov-14 22:27:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itscurtainsforyou Wed 19-Nov-14 23:36:31


I've said "all children do that" before, although I think I was saying that meltdowns etc aren't necessarily an attachment/adoption-related thing and that they shouldn't worry too much about it. It's probably come out wrong/been misconstrued though...

Sorry to anyone I've said that to.

Devora Wed 19-Nov-14 23:58:50

That's decent of you to say that, curtains smile

Of course, adoptive parents aren't always clear about what is normal behaviour, what is our own poor parenting, what is attachment disorder, what is trauma, what is lasting damage from drugs or alcohol in utero... But I guess what is galling is any kind of implication that they are doing us a favour in letting us in on this knowledge because, not being 'real' parents ourselves, we can't work it out for ourselves...

I find myself getting quite snappy, cutting them off by pointing out that I have a birth child and an adopted child and I do know what I'm talking about. Which is not to say everything is different - but a lot is.

Jameme Thu 20-Nov-14 00:16:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastingLight Thu 20-Nov-14 07:23:40

I would tell them that the grandparents may be a bit hmm about adoption but once the LO is there in the flesh they will love him/her to bits.

Kewcumber Thu 20-Nov-14 11:01:52

No-one has said "all children do that" to me in a while though partly because I've stopped talking about it to non-adopters it. But I'd have a pretty easy response now as I'd just say "I'll let his teacher know. She can cancel the Educational Psychologist and play therapist she's recommended then"

But yes I agree, its the implication that we somehow aren't able to distinguish between "normal" behaviour and something that comes from a darker place. (To be fair sometimes you can't but on the whole I reckon I can).

When I explained to DS's teacher about his (to be fair very occasional) meltdowns when he was about 6 and tried to give her some advice about how to avoid them and how to handle them, she gave me that look with a sweet smile. You know that "all children do that and I'm a teacher I can handle it" look.

When he had the only meltdown he had all year, she had to call me to deal with it! She said she'd realised what I meant when I said that it wasn't a temper tantrum and that it came from a very different place. He looks like a terrified horse.

Jameme Thu 20-Nov-14 12:30:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber Thu 20-Nov-14 12:49:02

Click on the link in my first post will take you to my current not very anonymous blog. I also did a blog about travelling to adopt DS which is at but make a coffee if you plan to read it (or skim read it!) because I ended up away for 3 months!

Buster510 Thu 20-Nov-14 12:52:39

I haven't read all of these posts, I will pop back, but Trafficjam, completely agree, basically everyone I talk to says 'oh all kids do that etc' argh

Jameme Thu 20-Nov-14 13:33:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound Thu 20-Nov-14 16:56:39

I don't think I've said all children do that ever but I've definitely compared my birth dd to adopted children when difficult behaviour is being discussed! Sorry one and all!

The more I learn about behaviour and the more I see that my son, who joined our family by adoption, does not display certain behaviours and sometimes my birth dd does, the more I understand that behaviour is language and often it is working out what they are saying and actually similar behaviour in kids can be saying different things!

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