Building self esteem

[Buster510]

Evening all,

DS has been with us almost a year now. Wow! He has came so far.

Within group situations, I.e. Football, dancing, drawing, anything involving a group where by he is required to follow the same set of "instructions" as every other child he physically gets so anxious about. He feels he won't be good enough and can't do it, and when he feels he isn't the best he will not take part. He has to feel as though he is the "winner"

He plays absolutely beautifully with all children of all ages, beaming with confidence when there's "no structure" involved, out riding his bike, running, playing imaginary games, both as part of a group and individually.

But as mentioned he shuts down almost when it's a structured team like environment.

I believe he has real low self esteem, he is getting so much better at not needing constant reassurance all of the time, but he goes through times of needing it quite a lot.

DH and I liaised with the school about this and they've been encorouging him to take part in group activities, he clearly hates this, clings to the teachers etc.

Should we stop altogether with trying him in these environments? Is there anything we can physically do (aside from time and reassurance) to help him build up his self esteem?

He is so so much more settled now, the difference in almost a year is unbelievable, I am so proud of him.

Emotional for all but so well worth it :)

Any tips or advice is very much appreciated

[carolinementzer]

Hi there, not sure if you're into this - but I've had great results with homeopathy and bach flower essences with my DD and behavioural issues. There's a lovely company called Indigo essences that do ones specifically for kids - I think they do a confidence essence and a No Fear one. We had good results with the Sleep easy spray when DD had nightmares. Anyway, just thought I'd mention it as it sounds like you're doing everything you can otherwise. Best wishes

[Italiangreyhound]

Buster You are obviously doing things very well - he is responding so well generally.

I think in school it will be hard to avoid all these things but I personally would not force him to do any extra curricular things like this.

I think I would play it by ear, see how he does with some activities like Beavers, maybe, if you want him to do some stuff outside of school and allow him not to do any other stuff he hates. Where these things are part of school and would be very hard to get out of I would request a meeting with his teacher or SENCO (Inclusion manager) or Head (or all three) and get their wisdom on what he could maybe do. Most importantly, I would talk to him about what he finds hard and what would/might help.

It might help to do some sort of activity with him, together, and build his abilities/confidence. So if you know it will be football in school, go and play football the day before, just practising shots or whatever. This means school will need to communicate with you about what will be coming up and you can help him to feel more confident about it maybe!

Personal experience here is (regarding structured events) my dd (10), who is not adopted. I know it is different to compare a child who joined the family by adoption with one who did not but I must talk from experience (I feel). My adopted ds, who is 4, is pretty confident so this may or may not be an issue for him.

For your son this may or may not be about adoption and obviously you need to work out what will be good for him.

Anyway, my dd also finds it very hard to do some structured events. I did push my dd to go to ballet for almost a year (at her request initially) and when it became very obvious she hated it I continued to take her because I sort of hoped she would get over it. She did not with ballet or Taekwan-do but she did with Rainbows and Brownies, we persevered with Rainbow and she went on to Brownies and enjoys it.

I do hope I have not missed the point. My dd seems to have coped with stuff in school but outside of it she feels she should not have to do extra curricular stuff and I now agree, so when after school club stuff comes home I just let it all go.

Good luck Buster.

[Mama1980]

Hi buster, as I think you know my eldest dd came to me at 8 following a abusive background.
She exhibited this 'behaviour' and basically went into shutdown mode at any form of structured activity. I had to go to the school on numerous occasions just to calm her down.
I don't know how similar the situations are but for her it was a combination of lack of personal space and the counsellor explained that it was also the presence of unseen but present rules, she was unsure of them and so terrified of the consequences of rule breaking accidentally and hence couldn't cope. The route I took was to remove her from all team classes both within school and extra curricular. She simply couldn't deal with them.
Eventually she started dance classes, always with me present to start with and with a very sympathetic teacher and small groups. Slowly her confidence grew and now she dances, does team swimming, gymnastics and even plays netball.
Sorry have to go will finish posting later!

[Italiangreyhound]

Buster I was wrong when i said "I think in school it will be hard to avoid all these things..." as Mama1980 has shown these things can be avoided if necessary.

As a young child it will be much easier for him to miss stuff and as he grows in confidence you might be able to reintroduce stuff. I would go down this route rather than trying to take things out one by one. It's a bit like food allergy, when you have problems with a food you do not reduce it gradually, you cut it out totally and then reintroduce it gradually to see if you can cope with it. This may be the best approach.

Sorry if my post did not take your concerns seriously enough and also I really hope I do not confuse the issue by mentioning my non-adopted dd, I know the issues are different for non-adopted and adopted children and I am often too quick to mention my dd because sometimes she just fits so much into the things people describe but I know the degree is usually a lot less and I really do not want to muddy the waters.

[Buster510]

Thank you all so much for your replies, I have to say it is really breaking my heart seeing him struggle with this. I am totally lost with what to do for the best.

He goes to breakfast club a couple of mornings a week, in the club theres a play room, and a sports room. This morning he was left by himself in the play room as all of the other children went into the hall. Mums aren't meant to go in, but I said come on Mummy will come with you so you don't need to play on your own. Immediately I could see that this was causing him great anxiety. He held my hand and we walked through, he sat near me I said why don't you just watch to see what it's all about. In the end the coach held his hand and he played while he did that.

But I can see it just completely overwhelm him. I just couldn't leave him playing on his own though, I really didn't know what to do for the best.

I called the school once I got to work and they said he is fine and happy, he didn't play long just came out and went into the play room.

I sometimes feel the school perhaps doesn't offer him the full hand holding support he probably needs in these situations. As he is so confident on the surface, doing the 'things he wants to do' I often thing anxiety that arises in these situations often gets overlooked. Your points about not knowing the rules etc Mamma ring home to me. But I do feel it is more of a case of him feeling he just can't do THE BEST at it, so just won't do it at all.

I'm sat in working getting myself all worked up about it, worrying I'm making it worse trying to encourage him, then worrying about him playing on his own! :(

[Methren]

Buster I'm not an adopter, but I do have a child who struggles with rule-based games and gets discouraged by not being "the best".

You may have already thought of this, but do you think there would be any mileage in you modelling the process of learning and practising a structured activity? So the two of you pick something new to learn how to do, like a new game or a craft activity where you have to follow instructions, and then learn it together. He gets to see how you figure out what the rules or instructions are, you pretend to find the instructions hard to understand and make a few deliberate mistakes and then make a big thing about laughing and turning mistakes into a joke so that he sees it's not the end of the world to mess up.

I also wondered about the idea of thinking through ways your DS could be involved in a structured group activity without the pressure of having to do exactly what the other children are doing, So, say, if it's drawing he could hand out pencils and paper or colour in a picture rather than draw one from scratch, dance he could clap or tap his foot in time to the music. That way he is more under control of his own participation, and he can join in more any time he feels ready iyswim.

[Buster510]

Morning all! Happy Wednesday.

So a few of you may remember a few months back I posted about DS, and his 'fear' of sports etc. He loves his breakfast club, but while the other children go through to the sports hall he plays with the toys.

We tried to encourage him to join in, but he wasn't keen so we just left it. This morning I said DS why don't you give it a try today?? He said I don't want to. I said 'oh dear I thought you said you would when M and T were there' (his friends). 'Not today Mummy'.

"mummy one time when I played, Andy (the coach) held my hand. I said 'oh well that's what he's there for sweetheart', he said "what to help the children (in amazement!), I said 'yes that's his job he's a coach, he helps the kids and makes sure they know the rules'. I said "how about you ask him today if he's able to help you and tell you what you need to do?"

He said "ok yes". Not thinking anything of it, or even thinking he actually would, I was signing him into the club - turned around and he was holding another little boys hand toddling on through!!!! Not even a second glance at me or even a goodbye cuddle. I was absolutely amazed and gobsmacked.

This is a breakthrough for DS on so so many levels for so many different reasons. It doesn't sound much but I am very very proud of our little man this morning. I am not sure what 'did it' or if it was anything I said, or if he just felt ready and secure to give it a try, but amazed nonetheless :)

Opening up about a lot of things recently, it's a new milestone