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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

why meet birth mum?

21 replies

prumarth · 02/05/2014 17:57

Firstly, I just want to say, I hope this thread doesn't distress any of the birth mums here. You have my utmost respect. My question is specific to my circumstances but I really need some advice.

My potential LO's birth mum has been in great distress by the plan for adoption and as a result hasn't engaged much on sharing information. She has made many attempts to stop it or find an alternative - she loves her child and this seems to be consuming her. To begin with, I found it hard to find empathy for her but more recent conversations with a social worker who knows her better helped me find the human face amongst all the paperwork.

She has recently shown a change of heart that is quite fast - she is now accepting but wants to meet us. I don't know what to do.

My heart says, I can give her some peace and reassurance. Her distress is palpable and I can't imagine her grief.
My head says we are opening up a security risk - we live within a medium size area and would share some amenities. I recently bumped into a lady from our prep course for example even though she lives much further away.
So, she needs her burden alleviated and I'm scared she will get a visual lock on me and be able to utilise it either accidentally or through design. But what is right for our little one? I will absolutely do what's in the best interest - if us meeting gives a significant benefit versus the risk.

Can I ask your advice - is it in the child's best interest? Yes, I can fill gaps in knowledge if she shares (currently she hasn't engaged at all) but will those pieces of information be enough to risk her finding us? Is this something that will offer value to our child when older?

OP posts:

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GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 02/05/2014 19:19

I can only give my opinion rather than our DD's, as she's still so young.

I am so glad we met her birth parents, in part because it helped us really understand that there's no way they could have parented our DD.

Also because meeting people face to face makes it so much easier to see them and talk about them as real people.

Finally, because how would we justify to our DD that we had the opportunity and didn't meet them? Would she think we thought they weren't worthy of that?

For them, it definitely did help them. I hope it offered some kind of peace.

I worried about security too, but it will probably all be a blur for her. I doubt she will remember your face, with all the emotions swirling around. We took photos of us all together for our DD, but we refused to provide a copy for the birth parents as that felt a security risk too far.

I hope we did the right thing. It's just all the best judgement at the time isn't it?

redfishbluefish · 02/05/2014 20:26

We were really nervous about meeting BM, but actually she was even more stressed. Plus, DH and I had each other and she was alone, which probably made it even more difficult for her.

I totally agree with Glasses on all points made. We also have a photo from the meeting, for DS's LSB only. Remarkably, the meeting went really well and you can see it on all three of our faces in the photo. It wasn't easy for any of us, but we were all pleased with how it went. I also agree with Glasses that it is likely to be a blur, probably for everyone, but especially the BP I suspect because of the enormity of it all - no doubt one of the BP's on this forum could comment better on this than me.

OurMiracle1106 · 02/05/2014 20:28

I personally fought all the way to final hearing to get my son home but at final hearing I accepted that whatever the decision it would be in my sons best interests. I then asked if I could meet the people who would be my sons parents. I wanted them to see me as a person. What information they have on me doesnt explain what was going on behind the scenes. It doesnt tell them I was raped or that I tried to leave my marriage. Or that abuse was all I had ever known so accepted it as normal.

It doesn't say that I wanted to get help but was scared of breaking down and ending up in a hospital because of everything I had been through.

I wanted them to see that I was just a young mum that had dealt with so many different things and had been doing her best to cope as well as possible

I wanted to know that he would be well looked after. Also when your child asks did my birth mum love me you can honestly say yes she did, and if asked how do you know you can say because we met her.

Imo it also makes the contact letters more personal and easier to write

prumarth · 02/05/2014 20:41

Thank you miracle, I know some of these conversations can't be easy for you and I appreciate your insight very much.
Redfish and girl, thanks too - can I ask, did you have any concerns about bumping into her in future years or is that unlikely for you?

OP posts:

OurMiracle1106 · 02/05/2014 21:01

I think also if I did bump into our sons parents now there wouldn't be any issues at all. I'm sure if my son recognised me and run towards me they would rather know who I was and then it could be addressed.I won't lie I would cuddle him and kiss him and then send him back to mummy and daddy and go home abd cry and phone my therapist

RabbitRabbit78 · 02/05/2014 21:23

We are glad we did it. She got to see who we were and put her mind at rest about where her birth child was going, and we got to ask about where he come from (rather than just the more clinical information on the CPR). It means our LO can see that we met her (we have photos) and so see a link between us. On a darker note - with no offence meant to the birth parents on here who I have great respect for - it also means that when he gets back in contact with birth family they can't say that he was "stolen" or that they didn't know what was happening. I hope that a birth family wouldn't do this, but unfortunately you never know - especially where there might be MH issues involved.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 02/05/2014 22:09

I've met my dc's birth parents many times as I was foster carer first for a few years. I'm lucky they both recognise me as dc's mum now and even call me mum when speaking to me with dc. We have contact with birth parents a couple of times a year and so far so good, although they know if ever it doesn't go well for dc then contact won't happen.

oopsadaisyme · 02/05/2014 22:33

ourMiracle How much did your post break my heart - You posted so eloquently about your loss, and reasons why, and your admiration for the people now bringing up your son -

I send my total love to you x

MerryInthechelseahotel · 02/05/2014 22:38

I agree oopsadaisyme for miracle

redfishbluefish · 03/05/2014 01:17

Thank you, Miracle, for your heartfelt post.

Prumarth, it is highly unlikely we would bump into BM, so unlike for yourself, that wasn't really a major consideration for us and means I suppose a different decision-making process.

Of course, every situation is different, and only you can know what makes sense, but maybe try to imagine how you would explain your decision -whatever it might be- to LO in the future? When you try the different scenarios, yes, we met her/no we didn't and this is why we did/didn't, perhaps one or the other will feel more 'right'. You might be right or wrong with the benefit of hindsight, but hopefully you will be able to explain your reasoning.

redfishbluefish · 03/05/2014 01:25

Although there is no right or wrong decision-you will obviously put a lot of thought into it and make the best decision you can with the information you have at present.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 03/05/2014 06:32

It's not totally unlikely that we would bump into them. We were speaking about visiting somewhere just yesterday and decided to travel in the other direction to visit somewhere similar because we were concerned about the risk of bumping into birth parents.

I figure that this will reduce over time as the more our DD grows, the less likely they would recognise her. She already looks like a different child to the one we brought home, despite our best efforts at continuity.

I don't know your circumstances, but we've always thought our DD, who had regular contact, would be far more recognisable than either of us, who they only met once.

redfishbluefish · 03/05/2014 13:06

I think that's right, and what we thought in our case, too.

excitedmamma · 03/05/2014 14:16

I have met birth parents, a number of times. In your situation I would postpone any decision until lo was placed, AO granted and you were settled as a family.... not a no, a maybe.

OurMiracle1106 · 03/05/2014 14:54

I waited until my lo had been placed several months before meeting them and even before requesting to meet them as I wanted to know that it wasn't going to break down

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 03/05/2014 16:17

We met BM during introductions, and we are really glad we did.

It gave us a better understanding of her, which has helped when writing contact letters. There is a photo of us with her in the girls LSBs.

We accept there is a slight risk we may bump into her (never have though) and we have thought what we might do/say in that situation either with our girls with us, or when we are alone.

OurMiracle1106 · 03/05/2014 17:08

Can I also add aswell it doesn't say in social services records so and so has their birth mums eyes/ears etc where as if you meet them they could have.

Our miracle actually has my eyes normally but when excited the most deepest piercing blue eyes I have ever known. Those of a dear friend of mine who passed many Years ago. My mum told me those were my dads eyes

PenguinBear · 16/05/2014 07:19

Could you agree to meet at a location that is nowhere near you? Maybe the best county etc.

OurMiracle1106 · 16/05/2014 13:32

We met at the local authority that had started care proceedings I had no idea then and no idea now where they live. It could be anywhere. And honestly I have no desire to know, as I feel it would only make things harder for me and for them , there is nothing to be gained from me knowing there address so I don't need it

Hels20 · 18/05/2014 07:17

I am pleased I met the BM but was very disappointed that it seemed to be a one way street with information. The BM wanted to know all about DS (it had been about 8 months since she had last seen him) but when I asked her questions like "What did you like doing as a little girl?" "How did you meet the BF?" " etc, she gave me one word answers.

It made me sad that she couldn't share some of this. Before I met her, I had thought, I wouldn't mind agreeing to meet BM every 12 to 18 months to give a face to face update. But afterwards, I thought "no way" - she wasn't going to give any information to me.

But I am still pleased that we met up.

OurMiracle1106 · 18/05/2014 07:55

hels I would love to meet up with my sons parents every 12-18months. I was very open with information. They asked obviously what happened to my leg etc. I told them I was concerned our son would also develop epilepsy that I was 18 when I first started having seizures etc. I don't know how much information about my fits etc they had been given so I tried to share with them as much as possible.

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