That time

[Italiangreyhound]

How do people deal with the time before they adopted their child when the child was alive but not with them. I know that time is not lost to the child but is to the person/people adopting them it is kind of missing, months or years the adopted parent didn't get to know their child.

If you adopt a younger child then there is less of that time, is that one reason adopters often want younger children?

I guess as I was thinking of this I remember what the lady on the 'Finding Mum and Dad' documentary said; something like "We have not put some of the children's ages because we want you to rule yourself in."

I thought about the the 'missing' months or years and wondered if that put me off then I would actually miss out on the rest of the child's life because of not wanting to miss that small bit early on. Does that make sense?

Since watching that documentary I have been trying to be more open-minded about the child we will adopt.

Any advice, very welcome.

[Moomoomie]

I think whatever age child you adopt, there will always be that missing time.
We were very fortunate and two of our three where only six month old babies, but with dd3 she had 6 weeks in SCBU and two sets of foster carers in her very short life, when she could have been home with us (concurrent fostering) has only just been brought into our LA. so I often think how different her life/ attachment would be- although I have no worries where her attachment is concerned.
I suppose it depends on how good a relationship the child has with the FC too. Unfortunately th FC of our older two girls was dreadful, and dd1 had spent a year there.
As an adopter there will always be the missing time, I suppose it is how you learn to attach and get over that time that is the key.
I must admit that I feel sad for dd1 that she hasn't had all her birthdays with us etc.

[Moomoomie]

I can understand the SW not putting the child's age, so as not to rule some adopters out.
Our first SW got to know us very well and even though I had requested? That with our sibling group we would like the youngest to be under 2 years old, she knew I really wanted to experience the "baby" stage. That's why our children were the perfect match ( and then the Brucie Bonus of being able to experience the baby stage again with dd3)

[Happiestinwellybobs]

I think it depends very much on the circumstances. DD was just under 1 when she arrived but had been with the most amazing FC since just after birth. I view that time with a great deal of positivity. We got a great photo album of their holidays, trips etc. which I cherish. So in some respects it isn't all missing for us. We have a super relationship with them, send monthly emails and pictures, and meet up every few months. I see them as our extended family.

I genuinely don't regret missing out on those early months. For me personally (with hindsight especially), DD was exactly the right age for us.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks so much for all who responded.

Myfeetarecold can I ask roughly how old DD was when she came to you or could you pm me, if you like (no pressure).

As we are quite a but older and already have a birth dd I think it is quite unlikely we will end up with a very young child. It is not impossible but I wonder if this may make us less of a first choice for any young babies.

We have looked at children aged 1 to 3 and it is possible that we will adopt someone at the level of 2 or 3 or 4 years old, that is a lot longer than a few months apart (but not as much as someone adopting a child in double didgits of course).

Does anyone have experience of that they would be willing to share too, please?

[Hels20]

Our DS was 2.5 years old when he came to us and, I have to say, I hadn't really thought of the "lost" time. Your question has made me think - and actually, I am quite keen to meet BM and to retain contact with foster family so they can fill in the gaps. DS had left BM before his first birthday.

Maybe our DS is too young for me to worry about the lost time - I am just so thankful we have him because he is perfect.

It wasn't something that crossed my mind - even when we were looking at children up to 5 years old.

Maybe it's because I don't have a birth child so don't know what I am missing? Not sure.

[Buster51]

Very different situation here as DS was actually a member of DH family so we knew him as a baby, unfortunate circumstances meant he was placed in FC for a number of years which ended up resulting in DH & I adopting him.

However, prior to his adoption I would always say to DH we have missed out on so much since he was a baby (I suppose we are very lucky to have known him then, even if we then didn't for a number of years), & I would often feel very guilty that things didn't move faster / we realised the situation sooner. But having said that his FC was absolutely amazing, he is a lovely polite, kind, caring & well mannered little boy. Of course it all affected him, but she has done a wonderful job, & we couldn't thank her enough for what she has done for him. We can only hopefully give him the mummy & family he deserves for his future.

We have new memories to make & also have so many photos of his previous placement. We have things like his first swimming lesson, doing up his own shoe laces, losing his 1st tooth! etc. He is 4yo, & although we will always regret the time away from him (I must stress out of our hands) we realise 4 little years in the grand scheme of things is very small, & we have so much love to share for what we have missed/the future.

I am not sure if this helps at all, but I just thought I'd post in relation to adopting an older child.

[Buster51]

Also like Hels20 has said, DH & I are yet to have birth children, so perhaps this is also why we may look at this differently. However old I still feel there is so much focus & memories to make from the future that the 'lost time' will become less significant as a child of any age grows with you. Just my thoughts :)

[Bananaketchup]

I don't think of it like that, I think. Maybe because I wanted siblings and I wanted ages 3-6, I always knew that would be the case. And knowing I was going to adopt and not have a birth child I knew it would be the case, maybe it's different for people who come to adoption having planned to have birth children, so my input might not be very relevant, sorry.

Also for my DCs, DD has strong memories both from before she was removed aged 3 1/2 and from the contact she had with birth family while she was in FC, and as she is 5 and articulate it doesn't feel missing, because she can tell me about it. Some stuff is missing and I hate I can't fill in the blanks for her - for instance last week she asked me what her first word was, and I didn't know - but that's about me not having the info she wants, not about me having something missing myself, iyswim. So if I don't know if DCs have experienced something or whatever, I ask DD and she'll say 'oh yes, my old mummy showed me that' or 'yes we did that with FCs'. If I only had DS, who was just under 2 and non verbal when placed, I wouldn't be able to do that because he doesn't have the memories or the speech to share what he does remember. So maybe that's a point in favour of an older child? But then I've got the best of both worlds (to me anyway!) because I've got DD who is articulate and remembers everything (very much a plus and a minus in our situation!), and DS who doesn't but with whom I get to experience lots of 'firsts' because of his age. I think I've ended up saying the answer is adopt siblings ?! I think what I'm trying to say (in a very incoherent way) is that I always expected this to be part of the deal, and it's a part I'm okay with. Not sure if that is at all helpful.

[Buster51]

I agree banana ketchup, DS talks very openly most of the time about FC & he seems very comfortable in doing so, I.e, I've done this before at FCs, or FC let me do this (yes he uses it to try & get his way :p) & we almost feel part of it as he communicates so well with regards to his placement.

He does struggle piecing it altogether at times, but he opens up & asks about it every 2-3 weeks (11 weeks into placement) & we answer his questions as honestly & open as we can. We are lucky as his previous FC is so lovely so we can just get in touch with her if we feel we are missing something.

[Italiangreyhound]

all your comments are very helpful. Thank you so much. We fully expected 3, 4 or 5 at the start of the process but saw profiles of younger children, who did not feel quite right, so we are not trying again to be open to any age. Our dd is 9 but quite a bit younger in terms of ability and so we do not want a child too close in age to her.

I love the way you have all said it, bits that you have from foster carers, etc, I very much hope once we are matched we get on well with foster carers and meet the birth mum if possible to help to fill in later blanks.

I also love the way Buster says "However old I still feel there is so much focus & memories to make from the future that the 'lost time' will become less significant as a child of any age grows with you."

I love the way Bananketchup says "So if I don't know if DCs have experienced something or whatever, I ask DD and she'll say 'oh yes, my old mummy showed me that' or 'yes we did that with FCs'..... So maybe that's a point in favour of an older child?

Thanks so much, it is all so full on, we have gone from nothing happening to lots of possible oppportunities in the space of days!

[Italiangreyhound]

SORRY .... so we are now trying again to be open to any age.

[Hels20]

italian - when DH and I first met foster carers, I felt they were antagonistic (they had considered adopting DS but decided not to as not right time). As the Introductions went on, I realised how important it was to make a huge effort to get on with foster carers. And they are lovely - just different to us - but importantly, they were DS's family for a substantial portion of his young childhood.

[Buster51]

Oh I don't doubt some of what he says is probably not true. Especially when he is trying to get something out of me / getting out of doing a task, but we can normally tell as he drops himself in it, for example while out shopping 'FC let me have these', to say merely days later 'I've never had these before!' & the things he has previously done he is pretty constant in talking about them. We have a lot (a lot!) of photos & background info on him so can see what he has/hasn't done. I also speak with FC regularly which helps a lot. So I guess it does depend on a combination of things as well as cooperation / contact with previous FC - if that exists or not to get the entire picture.

I do feel a lot depends on how much emphasis is placed upon being concerned about the "missing years", whether that concern is in relation to the child themselves to 'fill in the gaps for them' & their benefit, or the parent to feel they haven't missed out, if that makes sense at all? As I feel the upcoming time is what is important to us & not the past necessarily. Obviously a lot of the past is relevant with regards to any issues a child may display but we were very lucky to be given a lot of background information as well as regular contact.

[Italiangreyhound]

Actually Buster if I am honest it is just old fashioned me-centeredness! I was thinking of me! Since the situation for little one will be the same whoever adopts them (from the point of view of amount of time) but for us it would be different with a different child. Having said that we may shorten that time in foster care if we do adopt them.

I spoke to hubby tonight who had not considered any of this!

It is just me over-thinking and panicking and generally being me!

I am both excited and scared in equal measure!

[Happiestinwellybobs]

I think Buster was absolutely right when she said about making your own memories. So we didn't change DD's first nappy, take her on her first holiday, or hear her first word, but we did take her on her first horse ride (tears), first ballet lesson (more tears), and hear her put two or more words together.

We have also carried on some of the traditions that FC started with her.

We were also lucky that FC religiously filled her red medical book out, so that when she asks when got her first tooth for example, I can tell her.

I think we probably all got to the stage where you are thinking about all sorts - especially when you're waiting for a match. It was the worst bit for me.

[TeenAndTween]

Our elder DD was almost 8 when placed. Additionally we have

[Kewcumber]

Although DS was very young when I met him (11 months) those months are pretty much totally lost to us. I have one photo of the corner of his head when he was about 4 months. Some medical notes transcribed and pretty much thats it - he can't remember obviously and it would be impossible to find out exactly who cared for him and its doubtful they would remember him out of all the children anyway.

It does bother me - who knows it it will bother him in future though it doesn;t now.

It didn't bother me at the time because he was so needy and demanding of attention that it really wasn't something you have much time to fret about. Perhaps I'm lucky that he was so delayed that his first steps, words, sitting up etc all happened after I met him!

I have freinds who have adopted 2/3 year olds and to be honest they are such babies still and so needing of you attention that I don;t think any of them have found it a significant problem. As time goes by and you bond with your child and it bothers you that you cannot give them that time back with you.

But the truth of adoption is that there is always going to be a black hole to some degree or other - learning to live with it and help your child deal with it just comes with the territory I'm afraid - there is no way around it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks all.

[AndiPandi]

DD was 22 months when she came to live with us and had been with a foster carer for 12 months before that. We were told quite a lot of info from the foster carer and social worker with regards to her background and what she did & didn't like, although the foster carer sseemed to be reluctant to tell us what she liked to eat which worried me at the time but you know what, we worked it out between us. We have a 'Memory Book' that the foster carer put together with pictures and little stories of her time there which she used to look at from time to time. As you build your own memories that time becomes more insignificant, very few people can remember very much from when they are that small. Being open about adoption certainly helps, i don't know how people managed when they tried to hide it. Good luck!

[Bananaketchup]

MyFeetAreCold weirdly DD (who is generally a bit of a chancer!) doesn't try it on in this way. Maybe because she knows I text sometimes with FC so she doesn't bother making up stuff which she knows I could check. Also she knows I am hoping to meet BM, so maybe that too. Don't know really!

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks again, I think it is just me readjusting my view again!