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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Utterly destroyed

(40 Posts)
Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 20:17:17

Have had a terrible day with DD culminating in her throwing things and hitting DH. Have decided to make that step next week and contact SS to find out what extra support there is. Feel like I've failed and let her downconfused

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sun 20-Oct-13 12:33:06

Just wanted to come back and say thank you, Hayley for the clarification. It feels like a brave step to get professional help for our children, but it is often just what they need and having that help can make all the difference. (Even if you are not actually doing anything different yourself).

You are a great mum, you are 'good enough' (which is all any of us need to be) and you are not a failure. You can't have failed, the job's not half done yet! grin

also: You are not to blame.

Lilka Sun 20-Oct-13 22:27:31

I hope today was better than yesterday Hayleyh x

Hayleyh34 Mon 21-Oct-13 11:48:34

Thanks everyone, yes it was a bit better. Am going to take that next step today and phone the post-adoption team.

Thank you all for your support

yeghoulsandlittledevils Mon 21-Oct-13 12:45:52

That's great, well done!

Hayleyh34 Fri 25-Oct-13 16:06:15

For all those who offered support - an update. I've contact the post-adoption team every day this week and am yet to get hold of anyone. My DH left a message on one occasion but since then, whenever we phone back no-one answers.

I think progress may be slow with this one. On a positive note, the first half of the week was horrendous but the second half has been better. Not bad going considering this week had several triggers for DD, including a school trip and a change in their normal routine today as they were making pizzas for Italian week.

She seems to be taking it in her stride!

Lilka Fri 25-Oct-13 17:53:38

I'm glad to hear the last couple of days have been better, well done to DD for coping so well

Hope PAS actually get back to you/you reach them. Bloody minded persistance is often the only thing that actually achieves anything

MaryZombie Fri 25-Oct-13 21:08:08

I just want to add to the "you haven't failed" shouts.

I struggled and felt a failure for years. Now (having had lots of counselling) I realise I'm not a failure, because (20 years later) I still haven't given up. I'm still fighting for him, even when he doesn't want me to. And I still love him, despite everything.

I do think trying to take it less personally helps. Don't think of her behaviour as being to hurt you, or upset you. Try to be a bit more dispassionate about dealing with her behaviour - make practical decisions rather than emotional ones, if that makes sense.

Also, the best advice I ever got was to keep a diary, of his bad days and even more importantly his good ones. So when I really thought it was all awful, I could look at the daily diary and realise that, actually, we did have good days.

PacificDogwood Fri 25-Oct-13 21:29:37


It's nice to hear you had some better days this week.
And I hope you can access support v soon.

Hayleyh34 Tue 29-Oct-13 12:05:48

Thanks everyone for the support/advice. Still trying to get hold of PAS...!!

whoselifeisitanyway Tue 29-Oct-13 22:16:18

I am wondering what support you are looking for from social services and what you are hoping they can provide. I have been where you are and I genuinely believe the sort of specialist help my ds needs is not available in my area and probably not even in the UK. I hope you get what you and your child need.

Also Lilka, I agree with you. You can't compare adopted children with biological children. Something I was told early on in the adoption process was that you have to treat adopted children differently because they are different. I was shocked at the time but years on, I think it is true.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Wed 30-Oct-13 08:47:36

whoselike Could tou share a bit more about what you say there. What sort of specialist help and support is effective, and if not available in the UK, where is it happening where it works?

yeghoulsandlittledevils Wed 30-Oct-13 08:51:25

Hayleigh Even though things are better these last few days, you could try seeing your doctor and seeing if you can get NHS counselling for yourself. Separate to that, you could also try sseeingif you can get a counselling referral for your DD, whuch you could go to too (if she will do that).

Hayleyh34 Wed 30-Oct-13 09:00:49

Hi, thanks for the advice but I don't feel like I need counselling just because I've been doubting myself a bit.

Social services have laid out what they can provide for us and that includes family sessions with a social worker, a group that DH and I can go through and they also said that they have experts from the TAP panel that can talk to us and provide with a reference to CAHMS if we choose to go down that route.

All sounds interesting and we want to know more, just can't get them to answer the bloody phone!!

yeghoulsandlittledevils Wed 30-Oct-13 09:20:14

Well, you could go down the CHAMS route with your DD's GP. Might be quicker, that's all.

The things they are offering are all types of counselling, probably, just with a different heading, and you can use counselling any way you want. Just to clarify... You dont have to have MH issues as such to use counselling, just having stressful and pressured life events and wanting to improve ones own responses and handling of it can be what counselling is about. The title of the thread is 'utterly destroyed', after all.

Hayleyh34 Wed 30-Oct-13 11:51:21

Yes, that was how I felt at the time. I'm not sure if you have adopted or not but at times things feel overwhelming and it can be really hard to accept that you can't change what has happened to your child or the affect that it has had on them

The post-adoption team said that they are a quicker route into CAHMS then anywhere else.

I'm not against counselling, have worked for counselling organisations in the past so am aware of what it is/how it can help

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