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Should I/shouldn't I...

(9 Posts)
CalamityKate Tue 12-Jul-11 09:08:59

I think I may have found my birth mother via Facebook.

Should I send a message?

Could be totally wrong, but certain things fit.

I've never had a yearning or anything like that... more a mild curiosity. If it turned out to be her and she didn't want contact (I don't even know if I would, yet) I'd be fine with that. My adoptive parents were wonderful and I had a lovely childhood. I have no "issues" to work through and don't feel as if being given up for adoption was a rejection or anything like that.

I don't want to cause any trouble or upset, but at the same time she might welcome knowing I am fine. I would.

Yay or nay?

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys Tue 12-Jul-11 09:14:54

Gosh. How have you found her? Is there some kind of connection between you in a 6 degrees of separation type of way?

CalamityKate Tue 12-Jul-11 09:29:27

I knew her name from my adoptive Mum, and I found out (via "Missing that I have a half sister (someone saw my message on there and did a bit of research for me), and the half sister's got a fairly uncommon name, so I found someone of that name on FB and she has someone on her friends list who has the right christian name as my BM and is the right age. And they're from the right area.

As I said, it might just be coincidental and it might not even be her.

CalamityKate Tue 12-Jul-11 09:30:48

The thing is, the circumstances of my adoption are such that her family might not even know about me, and as I said, I have no wish to upset anyone or drag any clattering skeletons out of cupboards.

walesblackbird Tue 12-Jul-11 12:47:30

If you were my adoptive child (and no matter how old you would still be my child!) then I would want to know first before you did anything about making contact. I talk to all of my three children about their birth mothers and when they're old enough and they want to find them then I hope they would do it with my support. But also with professional support in place beforehand.

One of my children's sibs contacted their bm via a website and it wasn't a good reunion. The sib would have been better off having counselling first to support her through it.

tbh I think that's probably the best way forward for you.

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys Tue 12-Jul-11 13:12:10

So blackbird you are saying OP should talk to her AM first and seek counselling before making contact with her possible BM to help her deal with any possible outcome? Don't mean to be dense, I am just making sure I have read your post right! That does sound wise. Will counselling help suggest the best way to actually make contact should the OP decide to do so?

walesblackbird Tue 12-Jul-11 13:36:05

Yes, if OP goes through an intermediary, often someone from Post Adoption Social Work, they will talk through with her possible outcomes, what she would want from contact and would make initial contact with bm to ensure that it's what she wants as well.

In order that contact/reunion is handled in the best way for all those involved (and it won't be just bm and child) then OP will need counselling and support prior to contact being made.

As she says, it's possible that bm's family know nothing about her and then imagine the fall out for everyone involved.

I'm speaking as an adoptive mum and, as yet, my children aren't old enough to trace but I would hope that when/if the time comes they will feel able to talk it through with me first and we do it in the right way for all parties involved.

Does that help?

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys Tue 12-Jul-11 15:39:08

Great advice I am sure it will help smile

CalamityKate Tue 12-Jul-11 16:29:36

Thank you both smile

As it is, I'm curious about BM/possible siblings - but ultimately, I think I'm simply not interested enough to do anything about it, and risk upsetting the apple cart.

I'll leave it for now, I think.

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