Often slapped hard or nipped on the bum by my 'D'M

[IFiredUpTheQuattro]

Accompanied by a loud OOOH that's lovely, or OOOh that's well rounded! I was so embarrassed, hurt, upset and confused whenever she did this.

This happened so many times when I used to go visit my parents.

He is an outrageous narc with a monstrous ego, constantly telling me I'm fat, a failure, a fat failure, if only I followed his advice, if only I lost weight, followed the example of my golden brother, blah, blah! And she sadly is such an enabler that she can't see the wood for the trees. Several years ago I finally found the courage to stand up to him and tell him he is a bully, and went totally non-contact.

This is only the very tip of an extremely icey iceburg going back to my childhood. What would you have thought if your mum did that to you?

[Biblionerd]

Oh sweetheart I have no advice, but I am also the daughter of a 'D'M who has constantly belittled, embarrassed and ridiculed me, and allowed and enabled other people to destroy my confidence. I have a lifetime of examples of her utterly shitty behaviour! She tried to start it on my daughter but I think I've managed to shut that down.

Like I said, I have absolutely no advice, but thought I could come sit with you a while so you know you aren't alone xx

[IFiredUpTheQuattro]

Thank you for hearing me, and I'm so sorry your 'd'm hurt you too.

I just found it so weird as she never smacked me as a child, but did this when I became an adult. I've spent the past few years unravelling both their behaviour, but never mentioned this to anyone as it freaks me out.

[Biblionerd]

The sudden start of it as an adult is really strange. Do you think that she is maybe in a most inappropriate, clumsy drunk uncle at the wedding way, attempting to undo some of the damage by making you feel uncomfortable desirable by pointing out your assets? I mean pretty messed up if she is, but I just cannot see why she would be doing this

[IFiredUpTheQuattro]

@Biblionerd - No, she has always supported Him ('d' dad) in his treatment of me, so always said 'you're dad's always right' or when I tried to discuss things with him 'oh, don't go upsetting your dad', when in fact it was the other way round.

He would use her as his mouthpiece to add fuel to the fire of my weight, failings, uselessness I have 2 degrees and run my own business and she went along with it.
I feel that her grabbing/slapping my bum was a way of getting across my weight in a 'Oooh, lovely, look at the size of that' kind of way. Considering I'm 5ft 11 and a size 16 I'm no shrinking violet, but not massively overweight either.

It just makes me feel really queasy to be honest.

[JustGiveMeGin]

I typed out a long message and lost it, basically tell her in no uncertain terms to fuck off every time she does it.

[Notaroadrunner]

Such vile, disturbed, abusive parents. Free yourself from their abuse and go NC. They don't deserve to have a place in your life. Focus on the positive things you have achieved and let the pair of them rot in hell.

[Biblionerd]

Oh gosh so it is an attempt to draw attention what they percieve is the issue WRONGLY@!, I'm so sorry I was optimistically looking for the bright side for you. She really is a piece of work, and BTW, your stats sound pretty frickin perfect to me (5'9 size 18 but can also smash a 10k run and about to graduate my masters, but I'm chunky so never going to be good enough)

[Notaroadrunner]

@Biblionerd

Oh sweetheart I have no advice, but I am also the daughter of a 'D'M who has constantly belittled, embarrassed and ridiculed me, and allowed and enabled other people to destroy my confidence. I have a lifetime of examples of her utterly shitty behaviour! She tried to start it on my daughter but I think I've managed to shut that down.

Like I said, I have absolutely no advice, but thought I could come sit with you a while so you know you aren't alone xx

Given your mothers abuse of you, there's no way she should ever have the opportunity to try it on your dd. The one way of ensuring she cannot do the same to your dd is to cut contact, therefore not subjecting your dd to the same or similar behaviour.

[Biblionerd]

@Notaroadrunner this was a rare meeting of them, I see as little as physically possible of her and when I do I make sure it is on my own as much as possible. On this occasion it was a family gathering (unavoidable) DD was with my brother, and out of hearing range, when she started to make comments about her to me and was shut straight down. Fortunately after a lot of counselling and a little pulling up of pants, I can cope with little and not often, I'm done for a while!!

[Stompythedinosaur]

If my dm did that I wouldn't see her, it is horrible.

[PanamaPattie]

I would slap her right back. Hard.

[IFiredUpTheQuattro]

@JustGiveMeGin
@Notaroadrunner
@Stompythedinosaur
@PanamaPattie
As I said in my op, I went NC several years ago and also move over 100 miles away.
In a nutshell, he is the driver in this. He hates women, treats mum appallingly, always tried to do so with me but I would stand my ground which is why she would shout at me to not upset him, as she knew he would turn on her once I'd left.
He's said and done horrible things to both of us, so I think she enabled him in order to score 'good points' with him. I can understand it and yet not. Surely as a parent, your role is to nurture and protect.
When my son was 5 he told me he was rubbish and to 'get rid of him'. When I lost my son he told me to 'get over it' & 'Move on'.

It has taken me these past few years to slowly unravel all of this, which is why this thing with mum slapping me now keeps coming back to me, it really does make me uneasy and nauseous to be honest!

[JustGiveMeGin]

@IFiredUpTheQuattro this sounds alot more complicated than I realised, it sounds like your dad is your abuser not your DM.
Sorry if I sounded flippant x

[IFiredUpTheQuattro]

@JustGiveMeGin - no apology needed. The whole thing is so complex I shall be unravelling it for the rest of my life. I have carried feelings of guilt and nausea since childhood, worried that I couldn't 'rescue' mum from him.
But the day I realised she didn't want to be/couldn't be rescued was the day I began to be free.

[IFiredUpTheQuattro]

@Biblionerd

Oh gosh so it is an attempt to draw attention what they percieve is the issue WRONGLY@!, I'm so sorry I was optimistically looking for the bright side for you. She really is a piece of work, and BTW, your stats sound pretty frickin perfect to me (5'9 size 18 but can also smash a 10k run and about to graduate my masters, but I'm chunky so never going to be good enough)

I now know it's their issue not mine, but as I said before, just WHY? It's Really bloody freaky !

[TheSockMonster]

That’s really bloody weird.

The sensible advice is to say you don’t like it then name the behaviour each time it happens (e.g. “you just smacked my bum, please don’t”)

Although I’ll admit it’s very tempting to advise you to grab her tits and shout “HONK HONK” each time she does it...

(Please don’t do that!)

[TheSockMonster]

As to why. Control? Jealously?

Most negative emotions stem from fear if you trace them far back enough.

[ilovebagpuss]

This is very upsetting and strange behaviour. Like you suggest it seems to be a kind of what she thinks is a jokey way of pointing out your size? But it’s very inappropriate for many ways like you could imagine the drunk grubby uncle or party guest doing it but not your female relatives.
I know this comes on the back of very abusive behaviour but could this be dementia as in inappropriate uninhibited actions?
I honestly don’t think I could even be low contact with that situation could you just never go to anything again just maybe visit on your own once a year or something?
I wouldn’t even go to rare family gatherings with them just make up a sickness bug or house catastrophe just protect yourself from them.

[Supersimkin2]

Demeaning, intimidating and rude - but you know that.

So does she.

I had a boss who did it - she laughed it off purely to enable continuing it.

This works: shout - as loudly as she will be - ooh I love it I fancy you sooo much. It stops before you’ve reached the end of the sentence.

[TildaKauskumholm]

OP, please don't say you will spend the rest of your life unravelling this. Some of us just have crap parents. The fault is theirs, for whatever reason, and the best thing you can do is to draw a line under it and move on. Maybe going NC is right for you, only you can decide, but you don't owe them anything now.