Expected to be the matriarch of the family

[Callardandbowser]

It’s infuriating!

I keep in regular contact with my family members.

My sister lives in a different country and consistently, year in year out texts me to ask for various family members’ addresses, birthdays, phone numbers etc. (Despite the fact I gave her an already filled in address book for Xmas)

My dad Does the same, expects me to remind him about everyone’s birthdays and doesn’t seem capable of putting them in his diary.

Sadly my grandmother died last week. Over the past 15 years I visited her a few times a year, write to her, ring her etc, I enjoyed a really loving relationship with her and feel satisfied that I got to know her well.

My sister (who has lived abroad for 15 years) didn’t have as much to do with our grandmother. She is angry with me for not telling her that there was a funeral this week and if she’d known, she’d have come along ie it’s my fault she’s not coming because I didn’t tell her.

It’s a quick 20 minute crematorium funeral without any speeches or even a wake and I’m travelling 200 miles up the country to attend, I didn’t even imagine that my sister would be interested in coming seeing as she has no money and hadn’t visited our grandmother since she was a child.

I’m sick of everyone including other family members asking how my sister is, asking what her plans are, whether she received their birthday gifts, why she doesn’t call them etc why can’t people communicate with each other? Why do I have to be the mouth piece for everyone?

I have utterly stepped back in recent years and just NEVER engage with any of them about each of the other because I can’t bear getting caught in the middle for example my sister gets angry if she feels out of the loop but takes zero responsibility or interest in being in the loop. Does this job land on my doorstep as the oldest sister through unconscious sexism?

My dad gives me all family photos, my sister’s got stuff stored at my house.

Sorry this is long.
Thanks for reading.

[dudsville]

I'd stop engaging in that business op. When they blame you laugh and end the conversation. That's just rude.

[dudsville]

And that's not the matriarch, that's the secretary.

[WentworthPrison]

You didn't tell her about her Grandma's funeral. That's awful regardless of whether she hadn't seen her for some time. Inexcusable.

[MulticolourMophead]

@WentworthPrison

You didn't tell her about her Grandma's funeral. That's awful regardless of whether she hadn't seen her for some time. Inexcusable.

Why was it OP's job to tell her? Her own dad could have told her.

[Callardandbowser]

Why is it up to me to tell her, couldn’t she have asked when the funeral was?

[dudsville]

My brother and i both managed to attend my nan's funeral last year without discussing it between us wentworth.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

Does this job land on my doorstep as the oldest sister through unconscious sexism?

Yes. And good on you for having none of it.

[Mamette]

Normally when someone dies you ask about the funeral arrangements.

[Callardandbowser]

Thank you.
It’s the same with DH’s side of the family’s birthdays/ Xmas presents. I just leave him to do it, I’ve got enough to deal with my own side of the family so if DH forgets it gets forgotten.
I can’t stand people having invisible expectations (jobs for) of me then Being annoyed because I haven’t done what they want me to do to make their lives foot loose and fancy free!

[Fairenuff]

I would have stopped all of this years ago. If people ask for addresses etc. I'd just say 'oh I'm not sure, why don't you ask them yourself'. It seems a really simple thing to just not do it rather than continue to cause yourself all this stress.

[Atadaddicted]

Bloody hell OP
I thought it was about you being responsible for the grocery shopping

Not neglecting to tell your sister about the passing of her grandmother

you sound unpleasant

[Callardandbowser]

• Atadaddicted I didn’t neglect to tell my sister about the passing of my grandmother! 🤦‍♀️

[MulticolourMophead]

@Atadaddicted

Bloody hell OP
I thought it was about you being responsible for the grocery shopping

Not neglecting to tell your sister about the passing of her grandmother

you sound unpleasant

OP said she hadn't mentioned the funeral, nothing about not telling her sister that the grandmother had passed away.

[Atadaddicted]

The funeral.

I let neighbours know, ex colleagues etc of my father

They meant squat all to me. But I felt there was a connection there, even if tenuous (the neighbour of example) and so I told them.

Not to tell your sister.... well I suspect it was you making a POINT

[Callardandbowser]

My dad told my sister that she’d passed away.
I was really busy working all week and did try to ring my sister for general chat but she didn’t pick up.

[MrsNoah2020]

@dudsville

And that's not the matriarch, that's the secretary.

This.

I do think you should have told your DSis about the funeral. Other than that, YANBU to stop being your family's unpaid PA.

[LucyWarlowsRightHand]

I remember Callard & Bowser! Hadn’t thought of them in years until I read a story in the paper today.

But anyway. In my family I’m the sister who moved away. When people have died, I’m told but it’s up to me to ask about funeral arrangements if I want to go! I don’t just sit and wait for the information to come to me in some kind of ‘push’ system! You’ve done nothing wrong.

[WentworthPrison]

I can understand saying no to the secretary stuff but details about a relative's funeral do not fit in that category.