Mid-30s crisis or just a massive rut?

[Bright12]

Posting here because I can’t really talk to anyone about how I’m feeling. I feel like if I talk to anyone they’ll just tell me to catch a grip and be thankful for all the wonderful things in my life. And tbh maybe this is just what I need to be told.

On the surface my life seems just fine. Nice DH, mortgage, career and I have recently given birth to a beautiful girl.

But I feel sick with a sense of dread and regret. In the last couple of weeks it’s like it’s suddenly dawned on me that I’m in my mid-30s and I feel lost and like I’m wasting my life.

I am stuck in such a rut that I’ve no idea how to pull myself out of. I have put on roughly a stone every year for the last 5 and am now almost obese. I eat for comfort and some days it feels like the only pleasure I have. I feel hideous. My clothes are rags, my hair is turning grey, I see wrinkles appearing everywhere and my postpartum body is a saggy blob. I can tend to my daughter’s needs everyday but it feels like an achievement if I’ve brushed my teeth and had a shower by the time my husband comes home from work. My house is a complete tip and the clutter is so overwhelming I don’t know where to begin.

My “career” is another matter. I’m dreading going back to work. I did a career switch several years ago and I feel like this was a terrible mistake. It’s a very young and male dominated industry and I feel like I’m out of my depth. I enjoy the work (although I don’t think I’m particularly good at it) but I struggle with the personalities that tend to thrive in the industry. I left my last 2 jobs (last one while I was pregnant) as my managers turned on me and I could sense that I was going to eventually be let go. I started a new job while pregnant but am dreading going back to this industry and trying to juggle motherhood with working full time.

I’ve no option but to work full time when mat leave ends right now. I got myself into terrible debt over a few years which I finally took charge of a year ago and am starting to pay off. But I will need to work full time in a well paid job for 2 years to get it cleared.

I am a far cry from the person I used to be. I have no hobbies or interests and I don’t really travel or see friends much anymore. I actually feel like I’m becoming really stupid. An old friend keeps messaging me trying to talk about politics, current affairs, music, books etc. And I feel like I’ve just nothing to contribute to the discussion.

Like everyone my mental health has taken a hit over Covid. Leaving the house is just a stressful experience now.

I feel like eventually my husband will have enough and leave me. Because who would want to be with the person described above? I feel like I’m a terrible role model to my baby and she deserves so much better. I feel so guilty that I am the mother she’s been stuck with.

How do I give myself a shake and turn this ship around? Thank you to anyone who managed to read to the end!

[ScrapThatThen]

Honestly, I don't think you are thinking clearly. There is a strong depressive flavour to your thoughts. Please will you go and see your GP because you might have post natal depression. Biology and hormones can cause you to feel this way. Get better and then you can figure out what the right things to do are.

[Bright12]

Thanks @ScrapThatThen. I obviously do feel quite down but think it’s more of a reactionary depression to my current situation rather than postnatal related. Perhaps it is time to see a GP and see if they think medication could help me.

[ScrapThatThen]

I think you should. And seek support from your nearest and dearest, let them know how they can help you. Take care.