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Moving abroad

(15 Posts)
Mele12345 Tue 14-Jan-20 22:54:42

I have 3 children DD aged 22, at university lives away most of the year, DS aged 19, working 30hrs per week, DD just 18, has an apprenticeship, shocking money, but she is sticking to it so far. I have been a single parent for 11 years. I met my husband 5 years ago, he lives and works on the EU, we got married in October last year, we are so in love and have been commuting as much as possible for 5 years, I could move abroad, this would be easier in terms of DH work yet this would mean leaving my kids all be it I could travel home on a weekly/fortnightly basis, my son is excited for me to do this, my girls less so, particularly the youngest who is finding it very difficult to share her thoughts and speak about how she feels. For me, I feel like I have been treading water in my life, certainly for the last 21/2years, we have moved to a smaller cheaper house in the uk due to me being made redundant and only securing temporary contracts since then, the house is two bedrooms, i have been sleeping on the floor for two years in the living room, along with my husband when he comes over, it is getting rediculus. I want to move forward with my life, but not at the detriment to my kids, I would be interested to hear anyone’s thoughts, am I being too considerate/or selfish, I feel like my life is pouring away and we are all having quite a poor quality of life, thanks

JoJoSM2 Tue 14-Jan-20 22:59:27

I think your husband should be the one moving over and getting a job in the UK unless he’s got kids abroad.

GreenTulips Tue 14-Jan-20 23:00:26

DD has a friend who’s mother has moved out of the family hime to live with her boyfriend. She moved locally.
The devastation she’s caused DDs friend is awful. She has had to give up her placement to get a job to help support her brother and sisters household finances. She is worried her brother will leave to live with a girlfriend and they will lose their hone.

She’s too young for this worry and stress of bills and household chores, repairs, utilities etc all because her mother wants to shack up with a boyfriend.

Don’t do this to your children.

GreenTulips Tue 14-Jan-20 23:01:19

I will add the relationship with ‘mum’ is now considerably damaged.

DNAwrangler Wed 15-Jan-20 03:35:04

Personally I wouldn't do this. Particularly since your 18 year old is obviously unhappy about it.

Dowser Wed 15-Jan-20 06:37:29

I’d have been devastated if my mum had done this to me when I was 18

I want to move forward with my life, but not at the detriment to my kids,

It would be the to the detriment of your kids.
Your dd is not happy.

You and your dh have all the rest of your lives once your children have flown the nest. I always say it’s up to children to leave their parents not parents leave their children.

You and dh need to continue to find a workable solution..abandoning your children is not it.

CustardT Wed 15-Jan-20 06:41:49

You deserve to also be happy and to be able to move forward with your life.

If I were you though I’d give it another year. At least till your youngest has finished their apprenticeship.

And I’d talk about it from now so they can come to terms with it and discuss the practical stuff.

I plan on moving once my youngest has finished school.

okiedokieme Wed 15-Jan-20 06:46:02

Go for it, they are adults and you deserve to be happy. Obviously you need to financially support them especially the apprentice dc but they can find a flat share and you pay the rent.

Mele12345 Thu 16-Jan-20 00:15:02

Thanks for your responses, some interesting points made. I should add the youngest dd does stay at her dads on a weekly basis each Friday and Saturday night, this probably won’t change for some time. They wouldn’t have to move out, the running of the home would be supported, financially and practically, very much a slow transition in terms of increasing responsibility, both would be expected to contribute an equal percentage from their wages, they would think this was to cover bills, I would actually save it for them. There is certainly no abandonment here, although psychologically it could feel that way. I am not sure that this feeling would be very much different regardless of there ages?

CustardT Thu 16-Jan-20 05:43:59

Oh in that case I think you should go.

They will be fine. They are adults.

And so are you. It does all sound fine.

HeronLanyon Thu 16-Jan-20 06:02:02

Feels a few years too early for your youngest. Why isn’t he
Moving here ?

Mele12345 Thu 16-Jan-20 23:38:49

He has a son, also a good, secure job which he is very happy in. In principle if my youngest was studying a levels there would be every chance she would be choosing to leave home herself to study by September this year. Thinking if I was to put it off much longer, my parents will become less and less independent and my children may have children if there own, and this decision will become much harder. I can also come back right! It doesn’t have to be a decision for life.

daisypond Thu 16-Jan-20 23:43:49

If either of you want to move, do it sooner rather than later before Brexit happens and you don’t have the easy right to move/live/work. Being married won’t necessarily make it easier.

Watchagotcha Fri 17-Jan-20 08:13:19

How would it work financially OP? How does it work now? Does your DH contribute anything to your / your children's lives in the UK? Or is that all down to you and the children's father? Would he contribute to basically subsidising accommodation and living costs for your children if they stay in the current house?

I think if you can sort out the financial / household impacts so that your children can continue to have their current "base" then that would go a long way to alleviate their worries.

Presumably you would give up your job in the UK... can you still afford to support your children in the UK if you don't have an income?

Would you plan to work when you move to the EU? If not, that gives you a huge amount of flexibility to come and go (though you'll still be sleeping on the floor I guess). But no money coming in.

I live in the EU and work in a school with a lot of children from expat / blended / high-income families. Once the children are 17-18 it's not unheard of for the parents to basically set them up in the family house, and to leave them to it for weeks / months at a time while they go abroad to work etc. These families usually throw money at the problem: they can afford to run two (or more) households, they can afford to subsidise their children. It would be harder on a smaller budget. As for the impact on the children? It varies. Some are fine. For others, it's too much freedom / responsibility all at once and they can go a bit off the rails.

Good luck.

Mele12345 Fri 17-Jan-20 20:57:18

Thank you all for comments - particularly thanks for the insight watchagotcha. I would definitely have to find work, which I want to do. I could manage for about 3/4 months, If I didn’t secure any work, so anything much longer would be dependant on this, financially it is all down to me, to support the lives in the uk, it always has been, with the exception of the mobile phone contracts! This won’t really change on a day to day.

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