When parents are no support.

[NumberblockNo1]

Sorry muddled OP

I had a really difficult childhood and am now, at 40, realising that I keep putting myself in line of fire trying to share news of the kids with my parents or expecting any help or empathy when things are tough.

I'm just wondering how other people with no support handle the desire to share news of their kids (Ive actively drawn back from faceboook but I know thats how some people do it!). It's the little things that you just want to tell family, like when you're proud they can insert completely normal thing that theyve just mastered. Or the big things like passing 11+. Or the tricky things like being in hospital or mastering an adjustment for a disability.

I dont know if this makes sense - but when you have that desire to just tell family, and cant, what do you do. It looks boastful/needy to friends with lids the same age. Its more the little things of life that you ought to just be able to chat about.

I used to tell my nan all the little things but she died a few years ago.

When we were in hospital recently or had child's SN assesment I told them and really it hirts so much more to tell family amd get colder responses than telling a random person would ( ot that thats great!)

Hope this makes sense...

Im kind of working out how to navigate the urge to tell parents who really dont have empahy/judge me etc and I keep expecting a normal response.

[Nextphonewontbesamsung]

What about your inlaws? If your own parents really aren't interested in you then surely it would be healthier for you to withdraw?

[NumberblockNo1]

Not on the scene, and yes I am wondering about withdrawing completely, or being even more careful what I share with them.

Im wondering what to do with that feeling/need to share when theres noone to share it with. Where I live most people have close family around them, and sharing with peers seems boastful or attention seeking or soemthing. Obviously we do tall about the kids but I dont ring them put the blue and say "X made the team!" Or "Y had an asthma attack."

[CVAdvice]

Sometimes I post it on Facebook but with setting so only I can see it
I'm then not annoyed no one comments as I know only I can see it, but it feels recorded somehow.

[Nextphonewontbesamsung]

I think you need to accept that no one is as interested in your children as you are! It wouldn't have occurred to me to phone any of my family just to share little bits of news like that ... I may have mentioned it in our regular phonecalls, but not rushed to impart the news. I wonder where your strong feeling of needing to have your dc milestones acknowledged is coming from?

[CVAdvice]

I wonder where your strong feeling of needing to have your dc milestones acknowledged is coming from?

She said her child has SN.

[NumberblockNo1]

CVadvice I am wondering if we need a special book or soemthing so I can feel shared.

Nextphone - where I live its completely normal to tell parents when you have a hospital admission/kids pass 11+/ big news. Which mine aren't at all responsibe too. But also as most people have family who live nearby (literally 10mins driving distance) there's just the banter of everyday life too.

[NumberblockNo1]

Responsive, not responsible.

[BonnyE]

You could keep an album / scrapbook

[NumberblockNo1]

And yes I mean mentioning in regular phonecalls!!! I think perhaps if you can do that and have a chat its just normal. A bit like how you arent aware of something til its gone and then you miss it. I miss being able to chat in regular phonecalls, that's what Id have done with my nan.

It might be me trying to draw out the issue thats making it sound weird

[NumberblockNo1]

If you no longer have family you can chat to but still want to chat about things?

[Windygate]

Write a journal. Record the highs and lows of you and your DC's journey through life. The journal won't judge you and will hold your memories safely.

[Winesalot]

I totally understand that need for sharing even with just one person. Have you got a very close friend? We do it with DC’s godmother. I don’t go near FB and I don’t tell my family either.

[NumberblockNo1]

Thanks wines. I think I can see why some overshare so much on facebook but I dont want to start sharing with all and sundry! I can see it fulfils that function for a lot of people though.

My best friend doesnt have kids and it sometimes feels tricky. And I know random peolle arent really interested in the ins and outs of life. Hmm.

I need to navigate the not sharibg with parents too. I sort of decide to tell them nothing, then think Ill just tell them xyz, and then am shocked or hurt at their reaction. I need to emotionally detach, but that is hard!

[solittletime]

From the responses on here it doesn't seem many people can relate op!
I don't think anything can really replace what you are missing.
I'm lucky to have very close friends I've known for a long time, a few who take their god-parent duty more seriously.
But they also have very close knit families so I try to be careful not to be too needy!
I'm lucky to also have some good friends in similar situations with no close family and we make up for gaps as much as possible within busy everyday lives. They are the ones I call on a Sunday afternoon to talk through some small issue with my dc, ad I would have called my mum if I could.

[NumberblockNo1]

Thanks solittletime 🥰.

[Pancakeflipper]

Join a group of patents whose children have similar SEN to yours. I've found it supportive for the highs and lows.

[RosemarysBush]

I know what you mean. I’m a very quiet, introverted person anyway but I still miss having a natter with close friends like we used to, it doesn’t happen much anymore. They live far away and one said they miss how you chat about everything when you see each other every couple of days, silly little things; but when you only meet up a few times a year you only talk about big things like holidays, job, I don’t know... you don’t get to share the little joys.
When the children were young, my mum would just moan about her life (and mine) not really listen to me and I was sad for the kind of mum I didn’t have. I like the journal idea.

[Thecrown3]

My situation is similar but not..
My parents are so wrapped up in themselves, their troubles( which are not really troubles) I spent 25 mins on phone the other day listening to my father moaning , he didn’t even ask how I or my family were doing.His attitude in old age now is that I’ve done my bit for you kids , bringing you up , you all owe me now.
Share away on fb, anyone who doesn’t like it can block you.
Reach out to some SN groups locally or also on fb or mn and chat to each other as support.
In the grand scheme of things though even the nicest of friends is not going to want to hear all of the trivial stuff all of the time.
Be proud within yourself is something you could work on, don’t worry what other people think, look at what you have achieved.
I see it as similar situation as when I was LP, I had no one to share the little achievements with each day/month but now my ds is getting older I realise he is the proof in the pudding so to speak, he is evidence of all I have fought for, gone through etc he’s turning out lovely

[Winesalot]

It is disheartening to not have parents that want to share. Do you have a partner to share it with? And if you need support (even just a sounding board) for SEN, then is there a support group you can join. Even on fb. Although face to face is better many times.

It does sound like you need to adjust your expectations of your parents sadly. Family dynamics are often tricky to navigate so you are not alone.

[SeaEagleFeather]

I feel like this too number. My MIL is interested, luckily for me, but I'd give a lot for my father to be interested. It hurts.

No real solution, just that you're not alone.

[aintnothinbutagstring]

I feel you OP, my parents are very much wrapped up in themselves and their own problems. They behave like old people even though they're quite young for grandparents, 58 and 63. I have friends and work colleagues with similar aged DC who I can share things with and they with me.

[NumberblockNo1]

Thanks, it helps that others feel it. It doubly hurts that when I'm struggling they think I'm the one to blame.

Im dont have conventional colleagues. I think I need to refocus on how we function.