Autistic DS 7 fallen out with friend

[Nomintrude]

I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this. My son who is 7 has 'high functioning' autism and accordingly struggles with his social skills. He seems to be quite well liked by his peers but isn't always that interested, or else finds the complexities and compromise required too much of a bother/ too stressful. He's not a total loner but he seems to have short-term lived friendships which are lovely while they last but then he distances himself. He's usually got one main friend and that seems to be enough.

Anyway, last week he seems to have had a falling out with his best friend, who is quite a similar character to him and previously they've been very much a 'team' at school. They came out of school on Tuesday hugging each other which is quite typical. Then Thursday something happened (nothing major but I can't get him to explain or talk about it anyway) and I assumed it would sort itself out on the Friday but apparently they sat and played apart. Tried to have a gentle chat tonight about how sometimes friends can get annoyed with each other and then they make friends again but he doesn't seem to want to know. I'm just really sad for both of them as they seemed such kindred spirits and I'm worried he cycles through friends and then gives up on them the minute there's a bump in the road. Is there anything anyone can suggest? I know I can't force things but I get so worried thinking he'll end up isolating himself and miss out on even more than he currently does. Please advise!

[IceBearRocks]

I found the older they get the more the friend notices the differences and the distance begins.
We hoped high school would sort it out ...it did..he met 'his' people who are some nerdy ASD'ers with the same interests as him!

[Nomintrude]

IceBearRocks that's what I'm guessing too. It's just painful to contemplate, and I'm sad having seen them together and thought he'd made a real little friend. I feel sorry for the other boy and sad my son can't see what he's throwing away. And he won't/can't talk about it so I can't really help. He's very resistant to advice anyway.

[Nomintrude]

Am I overthinking this? I just feel like he won't ever make a real friend if this is how he deals with a falling out.

[Milomonster]

My ds has HFA and has short term friendships. I wished that he had one constant good friend. But I accept he just doesn’t get how to at the moment but as he gets older, he will. It’s hard being a mum of a child like this but their brains really aren’t wired to understand relationships in the same way others do. Getting to a point of acceptance makes it easier. I do always talk to him about to manage situatikns and that’s all I can do.

[Nomintrude]

Milomonster it's just sad though isn't it? The other stuff I can accept but this just hurts to see. He's such a lovely boy and a real character, can be very kind, but the side of him that seems to not compute that other people have actual feelings makes me worry for him.

[Elieza]

If you can speak to the pals mum perhaps she can tell you what happened?

[Nomintrude]

I texted her on Thursday night but she hasn't replied. I'm worried her son is feeling really hurt and she may be pulling back as a result, so I don't know if I'll be able to find out what happened.

[WalkThePlanky]

Following. I think my DS1 has HFA too although we're still waiting on a diagnosis. Sounds similar to yours. Friendships are a minefield. We live in a small village and watching all the other boys develop friendships where they see each other outside of school and it’s become more obvious that’s he getting left behind as am I with the school mums. It’s very hard to know what to do the best. Hoping he meets some like minded types at High School.

[Nomintrude]

@walktheplanky I really feel your pain on that one as well. There's no easy answer is there. Does your DS feel left out or is he quite happy doing his own thing?

[UpToonGirl]

DS who is 8 has autism and I find if someone does something that annoys him he just doesn't forgive or forget. I've tried but he can hold a grudge for years over the smallest things. Thankfully he seems more lenient with his closer friends in recent years.

What about if you invited the boy over to do something fun like trampolining or cinema, something your DS would be excited to but on the condition he tries to mend fences with his friend first?

[WalkThePlanky]

@nomintrude. Unfortunately he’s very social and wants to spend time with his friends, he doesn’t like being on his own. Parties are awful because either he gets completely feral or has multiple meltdowns. He is switched on enough to realise he is not ‘normal’ as he says but oblivious to subtle social signals. He is enjoying spending time with us at home more now but I would like to encourage him to have a social life outside of school.

[CalliopeSings]

I could have written this post a couple of years ago. My DS fell out with his only friend and was adamant they would never be friends again.
Three years on and things have improved. He is still highly intolerant and regularly falls out with his friend (who also has ASD) but they do seem able to resolve things themselves... albeit with lots of coaching from me and his friends Mum.
DS is now 10 and I also notice his friendships are on a fairly superficial level as that's all he can handle. He says he doesn't always know how to be a good friend. He is now friendly with his original friend from 2 years ago now though.