My husband hates me

[Laylalala]

My husband and I eloped and married after only 6 months of knowing each other. Everyone thought we were mad and that it would last 5 mins. We were I guess madly in love and obsessed with each other that first year as it was all so new and exciting and we also traveled the world together and ended up settling in a totally new country. However as soon as real life started (we’ve now been married 5 years) had a little boy I honestly think he hates me. I can’t do anything right and I’m constantly treading on egg shells. If it’s not that I’ve cooked him the wrong dinner it’s that I’ve dared to ask him about the most simple task like hanging up some shelves. This has pretty much resulted in me doing all the tasks rather than even ask and get barked at for ‘constantly moaning’. I work part time, do 100% housework, cooking, lunches etc etc look after our son. All I get from him is ‘I’m tired I work hard’ (which he does I can’t take that away from him) but can’t he see we both work hard and that’s part of real life not just constantly be resentful and grumpy? And yet suddenly he will perk up after I’ve done all the evening tasks like wash up and tidy up after our son, and he’ll expect sex from me.
How do I save this? Is it worth saving...I can’t even talk to family as I dont have the best relationship with them and a proud part of me doesn’t want to prove them right about our marriage.
Maybe relavent also...his own mother was a horrible woman who mentally and physically abused him most of his young life....does he just have a hatred for women?

[Olderbyaminute]

In my opinion he’s beibg emotionally abusive towards you OP! Life is too short to live it with a hypercritical asshole. He may have come from an abusive background but you can prevent your son from being raised in an abusive home by leaving your husband.

[Weenurse]

I am going with the standard ‘could he have depression’ view?
If not, explain to him that After doing 100 % of house work and child care on top of part time work you are too tired for sex. If he wants to get it on, he needs to get house stuff done!

[Shriek]

I'm really not going with the depression and after sex view.
He's abusive, and treating you like he's a woman-hater, its exactly how he's made you feel.

Please don't stand on principle when it comes to usingnany family support you can get, you are totally isolated in another country, this is also an abusive tactic, it makes it extremely difficult for you to leave him.
do keep posting so you can work things out for you

[Shriek]

I think it s more than emotional abuse, you don't tread eggshells for nothing. You tread eggshells for fear of consequences? Am I right?

[CurlyWurlyTwirly]

Red Flags everywhere OP.
Whirlwind Romance, to Walkiing on eggshells. Isolated from your family.
He is a narcissist and will destroy you.
Start making your plans to leave. Check the legality of moving back home if your DS was born overseas; especially if it is your husband’s home country.
Start making contact with friends from home; do not let on to your husband what you are doing.
Just out of interest, are you well off in your own right, as this is often a reason why narcissists marry & lock you in with a child very quickly.
Don’t mean to scare you, but this has all happened to me.
This is useful reading, see whether any off the descriptions ring true for you Surving & thriving after Emotional Abuse

[Laylalala]

No, I don’t think my husband has it in him to ever physically hurt me. I tread on eggshells for an easy life and to not argue in front of our son x

[Laylalala]

Yes actually, he takes anti depressants. I have thought for a while now that it’s a ‘you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself’ type thing.

[Bluntness100]

Is it always about him doing stuff? He simply doesn't want to do any chores so he's forced you into being scared to ask and doing them all?

Sit down and have a chat with him, tell him you're both responsible for the home and you both work hard and he needs to do his share or leave.

[NopeNi]

Wow, he's got you right where you wants you! I'm 100% with Curly. You do all the housework and childraising, and he somehow "perks up" from exhausted depression when it's his time for sex.

Whatever you do, PLEASE don't stick it out because "people will be proved right".

Why punish yourself for the rest of your one and only life, and damage your kids with an unhealthy relationship, just because a few snide comments might be made?

[Stripybeachbag]

You are dealing with a man child. He is acting like a sulky teenager. I have a DH like this. If I tip toe around him, which I did for years, he will be grumpy, rude, extremely unpleasant to be around. Every was my fault, he took no responsibility.

But I have found, that if I stand up to him. Not argumentative, but explain that the way that he is "behaving unacceptably and I do will do this and I expect him to do that".

Basically, I am a teacher and I treat him like one of my pain in the arse students. Don't get into an argument, keep emotion out of it and point out the correct way to act.

Fucking hell it is exhausting - but it works! It is ridiculous that I have to treat my husband like that, but it works! We have a child and I am prepared to do this to keep our family together. It is the choice that I have made and for the most part we are happy. Since I started this (after much consideration of leaving him), the arguments have reduced dramatically and he is much more pleasant. (Maybe some of it was my fault after all - and not him being a total arse, which he was imho!)

You can not carry on like you are. You have to make a plan for the future: money, ways of dealing with the situation, possible escape. But don't be a doormat for him to whinge and think that it is normal. Your current situation is not healthy nor sustainable. Walking on eggshells will destroy you (and your child) over time.

[PoliticalBiscuit]

Haven't you got better things to do in life than get everything accomplished and walk on tip toes around a miserable ungrateful arsehole?

I know I do

[Heatherjayne1972]

It’s not going to get better
This is it- he’s showing you who he is
is this the life you want?