Need genuine advice about PIL who I no longer speak to - causing real rift in marriage

[overtheseatoskye]

Hi

Sorry this is going to be long :(

DH and I have been together about 26 years, since we were teenagers. His parents liked me for about 1/2 an hour of that time - maybe not even that. They spent the rest trying to get him to leave me.

We were probably both a fault all that time ago. We had very different backgrounds. His very rural, very insular, very conservative. Me; diplomatic background, well traveled, very independent, outspoken, living away at school. I was of course immature and failed to see their perspective. However, they were the adults and should have known better - they were hostile and unkind to me.

Anyway, over the years it didn't get better. We lived each week with his mother crying down the phone, accusing me of things, father bullying DH, them treating his sibling much better (paying off their mortgage for example but telling DH they would have done the same for him if he hadn't been with me). My parents view was they are very strange people and just ignore them. Friends who knew/met them backed me up and pitied me.

I felt really cowed by it all and angry that DH just wouldn't stand up to them. It just wore me down over the years. Anyway, a few years ago we went to visit and they started making accusations again (loudly and in public) and maybe it was the strength I gained from having children but I just picked up the kids and walked away. For good - I have never spoken to them since.

DH had had enough as well and stopped communication too and I was so relieved. It felt like a huge cloud had lifted off us. In fact we had a wonderful few years with no bother from them and DH seemed genuinely happy and unconcerned. But they are getting old now and recently DH has been calling them and promising to visit. Last night, he told me that I was vindictive to not forgive them. I was astonished. It really is not a case of forgiveness, they are just out of my life.

Suddenly I am back at square one with everyone seeing me as the problem. I really don't want to see them again. I don't want my DCs to see them either. I don't want to subject myself to any more passive aggressive behaviour. I don't want to be judged anymore.

And yet; it turns out DH is hoping that we all to go visit and make up over the next few months (they live a long long way away). I cannot do this to myself. I am so upset and I told DH. He said I a, upsetting him.

DH and I are real childhood sweethearts and v close but this is genuinely causing a serious rift. We haven't spoken since last night and I have felt near to tears all day.

WWYD?

[barnowl]

Hi, saw that no-one had responded so just wanted to know your post hadn't gone unnoticed.
I don't have any experience of your situation but for what it's worth if it means so much to your husband then by going an supporting him in this would show him how much he means to you that you are willing to put your own feelings aside and go with him. I'm not saying you should cover up your feelings let him know how hard it will be for you. Maybe you could compromise by going and staying somewhere nearby so that he could spend some time with them and you just go along for one visit to show your support for him.

I really hope you get throught this.

[lottiegb]

Oof, that's a difficult situation. If they haven't backed down and accepted you as mother of their GCs (pretty unbelievable that they could not find some accommodation), they're not going to now. What a lot they're missing out on for the sake of snubbing you!

So, I think the idea of familial reconciliation is unrealistic, as however hard you try, and pretend, they aren't going to. That - odd / bad behaviour towards you - after the gap, is going to be confusing for your DCs too.

It's understandable that your DH wants his own reconciliation as they grow old though. Can you support him in doing this while making clear that, unless they reach out to you, you cannot join in (or at least not in a way that requires pretence)?

[LostInTransmogrification]

Is it worth one last go, and then if they still have a go at you then you can at least show your DH you made the effort...

[SJisontheway]

Agree with other posters. You have very good reasons for staying away, but for your dh they are his parents and getting old. You could give it one more go but make it clear to your husband that you will not be disrespected.

[TheArmadillo]

I think your dh is being unfair is suddenly deciding that you should all essentially pretend this never happened and start being friends. He is deluding himself if he thinks this is the case, both as regards to you being expected to orget anything has happened and in expecting his parents now to behave as decent human beings or at least to be tolerable.

However I do suspect I understand where he is coming from. Have you ever heard of F.O.G. (Fear, obligation, guilt)? Maybe all this break has given him is a chance to look back with rose tinted glasses and the oppotunity to play down their behaviour in his mind. Add that to maybe not fully coming to terms with his parents and how they behave and the FOG (remember this will have been impressed on him over a lifetime). Plus the fact that you're probably a reasonable human being who he will be a lot less terrified off than his parents. And he's probably also afraid that if he talks to you about it you will be able to talk him about of it and that you will be right - he can't afford to stop and think about it.

He's not right to do this and it can be incrediably hard to understand if you don't come from this kind of family. There is a book called toxic parents that may be very useful for him and also one called toxic inlaws that may be useful for you.

While I think you need to talk I also think that first you need to set some boundaries. Namely that you will not be seeing or communicating with his parents. While he has the right to decide for himself whether to see them or not, you have the right to decide not to have anything to do with people who treated you so appallingly. I don't know how old your children are but if they are too young to decide for themselves, then if you genuinely believe they will be at risk (physically or psychologically) by seeing their grandparents then you can refuse to let him take them. If there is not then it needs to be decided between the 2 of you.

He does need to talk about this - his decision will impact your family and as a result you deserve to have an explanation of his reasons. The decision as to whether he sees them or not is still purely down to him mind.

For me I find dh refusing to see my parents and more importantly refusing to let the children see them is what keeps me away from them as I know it is really the children they are interested in, not me. And it reinforces that and so reminds me how bad it would actually be.

[overtheseatoskye]

Thank you all so much for posting. DH and I are back on an even keel but only because we have reached an impasse - one in which we are both unhappy about the PILs.

I couldn't agree more with thearmadillo's comment about rose tinted specs. DH has recently told me that they weren't that bad, that he doesn't mind them favouring his sibling (he says it only bothers me), that we were at fault on the day we all fell out. One year ago he would never have said those things.

FOG is about right. He does fear them or at least fear making them angry, particularly his bullying father. DH was and has been a very good son. He has done so well for himself, he is a great father, respectful (when they don't deserve it) and a kind person and yet he gets nothing but criticism, sniping and hysterics). It hurts me to see him put up with it never mind what I have to put up with. Even my mother was moved to write to my PIL to say what a great husband and father he was.

I know a few people said we should try again, visit them and stay apart. Well, the reason we fell out in the first place was our (my) decision to stay in a cottage near their home as the visit before had been so horrendous. This is why the whole thing kicked off. The things they accused me of that day were so very wrong. But I was so fed up I just walked and didn't address any of the accusations. It makes me angry that I remain undefended.

I do want to show DH I love him but he doesn't seem to get that I am still angry and hurt and I cannot just make it water under the bridge. This is a lifetime of grief and harassment and I have decided to draw a line under it forever. I don't want the DCs drawn into their circle of toxicity either.

I have toyed with going to the area they live in, let DH visit and us stay away but I am scared that DH will pressure me into visiting or worse still they will pressure him to let them visit us.

So still v

[whoopeecushion]

This is difficult.

I can see your position and I think it's fine you don't speak to them.

Your DH's situation is sad. He (presumably) lived with them for about 18 years and they are his parents. My dad is appallingly behaved and I have been unable to cut him off - it's the guilt. Instead, I keep the peace, see him infrequently and try and keep the kids and DH away from him. I don't know if that would be a solution for your DH - to go and visit them alone, infrequently?

How old are your DCs?

[smearedinfood]

I like the action plan idea. Don't take their shit personally and don't let DH either

[Familyguyfan]

Hi, just thought I would throw my opinion in for what it is worth.

My parents suffered for many years with my father's parents, mainly but not exclusively his mother, before I was born. I was three when my parents decided they had had enough and we didn't see them for 11 blissful years. Then, suddenly they got in touch as one of my father's siblings (who my father didn't see simply due to the difficulties with his mother, not any other reason) had fallen very seriously ill, later tragically dying far too young. My dad felt it was his responsibility to support his family through this period.

My mother was distraught. Despite the death and the tragic circumstances she simply could never forgive my grandparents and couldn't fathom how my father could, especially as their appalling behaviour began again. To me, they were strangers who had barged their way into my family without apologies. For the next fifteen years, this was a festering sore in our family. Mum and I hated them and they hated us, dad dealt with then out of duty and they treated him like something they has trodden in. It was only when my grandfather died that my father felt he had done his duty and cut all links with his mother.

I do understand the awful situation that your husband finds himself in, and I know it will cause problems between the two of you, but I would maintain a strong, clear line of no contact. If you do get back in touch, there will still be trouble from them AND you'll have to see them, so best not to see them and just put up with the fallout. Tell your husband that you understand his position and he must similarly understand yours. End of discussion!

I really feel for you, but your husband will never get his Happy Ever After, which he so desperately wants, so you must do what is best for you and your children while supporting him when they grind him down, which they will. Good Luck!

[warthog]

you have to hold fast. they are toxic but your dh feels the need to try once more to give them a chance to be the parents they should be. i wouldn't stand in his way but i wouldn't go there myself. i think he needs to see that they haven't changed and they're just as bad as they always were.