New thread, the old one filled up. And I've been AWOL for about a week, mostly sobbing my heart out. And visiting the fucking STD clinic with my 9 week old baby....
So yes, I was oh so strong through this year, but partly it is because there was a little bit of me hoping that twunt actually loved me, and was just being a cock due to the stress of everything. And I slept with him in July before my little Acrobat arrived, after he swore blind that there was no chance he'd caught anything by sleeping with anyone else. And I have been seeing him a bit since Caspian was born, and sleeping with him like a stupid loved up idiot teenager.
And since Monday I have been in HELL. No exaggeration. Because he decided to tell me "because he wants to make things work, and can't keep the secret any longer", that in June he had unprotected sex with some Latvian girl in the toilets of a nightclub.
So I had to go to the STD clinic because he may have caught something and if he did and gave it to me, then I may have infected my gorgeous little boy. And I went to the clinic with my baby (how fucked up is that? Not something to catalogue amongst baby's firsts) but they couldn't test me because it has to be 10 days since unprotected sex. So we have to go back. And God Help Him if he has given me anything, and he has promised to go and get tested too because Hepatitis can stay hidden for 3 months.
I feel sick and it is my fault for being so ruled by my ill-functioning heart, and so fucking selfish. And he still wants to make things work and I HAVE to end it all now and I have spent the week howling, literally to the point of nearly calling the Samaritans. My appetite has disappeared again, and when my homestart volunteer came in the week I was sobbing on the floor.
Why can't I let him go? How do I find the strength to go?
I don't want to ever have to not be with my baby boy, work excepting. If we split up, I have to accept that I will have to give up my even more precious time with my little angel. I KNOW this is a shit reason for staying with someone. But he is so little and so precious and I want him with me.
I wish someone was here to hold me. Please please please don't tell me I am a stupid idiot because I know that, I have been punishing myself all week, and will be for a very long time. He turned so "nice" again, and I wanted to believe in the old him, the old us. It hurts so much.